Weekend Disaster Post

 The Crazdan Smuggling Fiasco:

Recent smuggling affairs in several countries have left the Crazdan government in a very bad position.

 Several border guards in countries, including those of Arvia, Zerrd, and even Azertionamibreckia, have spotted goblin caravans moving illegally across borders. Several of these parties were apprehended and seen to be shipping medical supplies, armor, weapons, rubber duckies, and commerce of all sorts on the black market.

 Further investigation forces international authorities to conclude that these goblins were funded directly by the Crazdan government. Rumor has it that the goblin nation of Crazda plans to make a grand assault upon the world, starting what some people have the audacity to call a “world war.”

 As of now, Crazdan officials are, as they have through all the ages, admitting nothing, blaming fellow colleagues, and making counteraccusations on a grand scale.

 The smuggling has yet to be stopped, and as local law enforcement is already spread thin trying to quell the flow of goblins passing between lands, several countries have volunteered men to help with the border guard of the lands surrounding Crazda. This scandal has become a matter of world importance as the threat level rapidly rises, and many speculate that a war is bound to erupt.

 Once Crazda declares war, a chain of allies will be set off, causing all countries to be dragged into a giant bout of dangerous warfare due to agreements with other countries. Crazda has three other countries pledged to help them in time of need, and these in turn have several other countries allied with them.

 If Crazda declares war, similar actions among other nations will cause a gigantic international crisis.

 Concerned citizens of several countries have already prepared for the worst, and it seems that the dried food industry has had a sudden surge of demand as people scramble for supplies to “wait out the end of the world” in underground bunkers and other such fortresses. 

If this supposed world war actually does come into existence the whole social state of the world will collapse.

Written by Deezaz Teer Sdeerikes

Letter Twenty

Smok,

From sources I shan’t reveal I have come upon the information that you have cut short your rampage, at a glance this is very unwise, no doubt you have been accepting the veiled undoing of your uncle Scaligar’s letters. You are being foolish, nephew, uncharacteristically foolish.

Or perhaps you have chickened out at the prospect of battling other dragons; this is completely unreasonable and idiotic seeing that Pentiriex is the only combatable dragon in that soft province, all the others are either stunted or constantly wasted. Bubolox the Bum is notoriously so, and Friggat the Basted has been sober not one since day since his cousin sent him that ale house on wheels.     

This in an insult to my mentoring; you should have continued to beat down upon the Aolia towns, and then fly to my provinces and terrorize those. I am greatly disappointed Smok, and you have even changed your name back to Smok, a most unflattering name of no great descent.

I will be writing to your uncles both, to express my wrath as well as I can in this mundane use of parchment, and maybe my overbearing greatness may turn their puny minds in my stead. You shall see Smok, rage and flat out terrification is the best remedy for anything and everything.

Hoping your parents are dead,

You’re Incredible, fearful, ferocious, terrible, fear inducing, omnipotent, clear minded, outspoken, infamous, wel speld, overbearing, clairvoyant, humble and modest uncle

Gargazath

Letter Nineteen

My dear Smok,

It has come to my attention that you have stopped your rampage and returned to your lair at last. I am pleased. That rampage was particularly excessive; too much bloodshed on the whole, and too little terrification and rumorification. I fear that your reputation has not increased as much as it could have, considering that all there is left of your work is whole towns burnt to a crisp, and no possible survivors to spread tales of your terror.

I would advise you to wait a bit before terrorizing Aolia; the citizens of that province will need some time to rebuild. Instead, fly south to Banroc and make a good show at a small town there, leaving about half the population to spread the rumors. Use the three principles I discussed in one of my earlier letters, and don’t forget to add impressive flourish to everything you do!

Now, as for brave knights and such that may come to challenge you, not unlike the archer you reported you saw on your rampage, just keep a clear head. Fire-breathing should not be excessive towards a lone challenger; one burst of flame to establish your authority, and then swoop in and crush your attacker as quickly as possible. I have known many dragons who have been foolish enough to use fire alone in order to vanquish their attackers; this is not the correct method. The attacker will probably use a large fireproofed shield to block the flames, and will slowly advance and kill, while you, on the other hand, will not be able to see him due to all the fire. He will be able to sneak up on you and slay you quite easily, while escaping with, at worst, a lot of heat blisters.

-Your serpentine uncle,

Scaligar

Letter Eighteen

My Dearest Nephew,

I hear that you are still on the rampage. Ilranai the Arcane informs me that it is going quite well, at least for you. Five other dragons’ treasures plundered in as many weeks and two towns pillaged to boot, you have been busy. Nevertheless, this is not an accomplishment. The senseless destruction and thieving must stop immediately! I implore you to act more like your mother and exercise more kindness to the world at large. I understand that you have gotten the idea for this rampage from your irresponsible uncles, but I implore you to make the choice to walk away from this life of carnage and start anew.

          Farewell until the next time.

          Your hopeful uncle,

          Semithino

Letter Seventeen

Smok,
From what I have heard lately you have already accumulated quite the reputation; excellent! You are advancing quickly, and we must work hard towards making you a great, so for now I will give you several pointers on a few of the more important accomplishments you must undertake to become like me.

Firstly, I have lately researched the notable dragons in your area of Aolia. There are few who can get up to your current standard. But Pentiriex the Bold could create a problem; he is a large, northern dragon, who has killed many dragons, though mostly Yovi veterans. You would be best prone to drop a boulder on him, and while he’s stunned, swoop down with all talons forward and (here follows a increasingly vulgar sentence that the author thought would scar the minds of humans under the age of 20, puny nitwits). That done, you will have very little competition; no other notable powerful dragons live there, leaving you relatively free rain.

On to your rampage, from sources unnamed I have found out detailed facts of your exploits. I was deeply impressed by that fire that burned three towns in one forest fire, and it killed how many? 200? 250? Extraordinary!

But letting that little girl live? Bad form. That might pose a problem. Lets see, the best solution would be to bomb her house with sheep to clear your record, but on the other claw, you might want to stick with fire, and burn her entire town, yes, that will work. 

I hope Semithino is no longer sending you vegetable and fruit lists to sample, that would ruin you, healthy food is the worst for growing evils. You must begin that diet I requested, fresh meat! And remember to chew on the bones for gum strength.

That will be enough I think for the present, but I must weigh the fact that you must take all my advice, and ignore your idiotic uncles' requests.

Your, oh skip it, humble uncle

Gargazath         

Explosion Prone Manticore Mass Escape:

48 hours ago there was a large scale escape from Kenny’s Institute for the Permanently Bespiked in which thirty brawny Manticores literally kicked down the door and proceeded to muscle their respective bulks into every open store and terrorize every moving being in the surrounding village of entwore including a severe case where a Shiatsu sprang up a chimney and an old lady was chased shrieking into a cauldron of treacle.

To make matters worse (MUCH worse) prior to their rampage the Manticores broke into the institute’s kitchen and raided the fridge and larder. Quite unfortunately for the townsfolk, the beasts found a still hot vat of chili along with several hundred pounds of sausage.

For most of the night the now gassy monsters terrified the surrounding towns and villages and filled the streets with hideous clouds of vapor that would take ten years off a man’s life if inhaled.

Fortunately this drastic situation was the next day stopped when a contingent of elves sporting protective masks from the Faery Corps subdued the deadly-in-unseen-ways Manticores and sent them packing with an armed escort back to the now renovating Institute.

So, a happy ending, of sorts:

The Faery Corps had to send in a squad of brownies with a giant vacuum to destroy the dissipated but still dangerous clouds of vaporous stench. Also the rueful military distributed gas masks to the victimized towns to defend them from the un-sucked clouds. Their budget will be feeling that for many a cycle, I can guaranty that.

Sleep well,

The Post 

Letter Sixteen

My dear Smok,

It has come to my attention that your uncle Semithino has been telling you lies about me. Now, his caricature of Gargazath is wholly accurate, but most of the things he said of me, he only said out of spite, conceit, and, dare I say it, even envy. He is jealous of the dragon I became, when I was in the prime of my youth, smart, brave, strong, and bold.

Let me tell you a little something of my past. When I was in my glory days, I was known far and wide as a terribly smart, incredibly dashing dragon of high repute. My name was glorious, and I was famed.

But then, the joining of the two families came. And Semithino, that devious serpent, caused all sorts of trouble.

He was a little devilish trickster, and he couldn’t keep his nose out of other people’s business for three and one sixteenth seconds. Rorfang, your father, should never have married that Eastern brat Ilithia! Semithino her brother was the worst, most badly behaved dragon in the world.

I went on the third rampage of my entire life, the greatest, the best! And you know what Semithino did? He came after me and bit off a piece of my ear, trying to stop my rampage. I was really mad at him then. I howled in pain and warded him off, the scrawny little runt. Then Semithino withdrew and has never fought another dragon since, the little dastardly coward.

The point is, Semithino has been telling lies to you, feeding them to you in bite-size pieces. He says he’s all righteous, but then he acts all haughty and prideful like there’s no tomorrow! I guarantee you he has some scheme going, some evil plan to use you as his slave! You know what will be next? Hypnosis! He’ll mind-control you, Smok! I tell you he will! He will use you as his right hand, taking over the world.

You see, that is why we are all so keen that you follow our commands; it is because you are a very promising young dragon. Gargazath and Semithino just want to use you to corrupt you to their wills, yet I promise you free life and fame.

Semithino’s disciplines are hard and rigid, with no time for fun or creativity, or even jellification, which is the best kind of recreation. Gargazath, on the other hand, is trying to turn you into a mindless idiot. Do NOT listen to their counsel, for they will lead you astray.

Now, concerning your ongoing rampage. I believe you have spread your name far enough, that is, if you have left survivors. I bet Gargazath told you to torch everyone, didn’t he? Now your name will never be known as one of the greats!

Please go back to your home in Aolia, and lay low for a while. Hopefully then no avenging knights will challenge you. Please pay attention to my advice.

-Your serpentine uncle,

Scaligar

100 Cupboards Book Review

I think its time to change the Iron Wyvern slightly by packing in the occasional book review on recently read and enjoyed books that we have read. The first of many will be 100 Cupboards, a book that I enjoyed profusely and see fit to publish a review on its pros and cons.

The overall set up of the book is great, Henry’s parent’s kidnapping, his finding of the mysterious cupboards, and my personal favorite, the Raggant that started it all introduced at the end and revealing all of the questions that popped up throughout the book.

It was a pretty good book on most accounts, but it didn’t explain few things, like his parents for instance; Why would he completely forget about his parents especially in the numerous crisis’s that sprang up in the book, N.D. Wilson kind of messed up there, at least in my view he did, which only goes to show that all authors make several mistakes in their career, even my all time favorite and idolized author Brian Jacques made a few slip ups in the start of the Redwall series (For instance, he mentions humans vaguely in his first book, along with getting the scale wrong on a few occasions like the horse drawn cart bigger than the trees).

Anyway, on to the characters of the 100 Cupboards:

The main character Henry is well put together with his occasional doubts and fears about his new hometown, baseball and such, the kind of thoughts that would certainly invade a modern minor’s mind (forgive the continued M words), so, Henry is well put together, so are the three Willis girls, one Tomboy, one by-the-book and so forth. (don’t want to reveal to much about the story).

I think my favorite character beside the Raggant of course is Zeke Johnson, mostly because I think he’s what Americans should be like, polite, protective, friendly and etc.. And he plays baseball, which is a sport I enjoy but don’t play often.

I think that is all for now, and I think that’s a passible review on 100 Cupboards.

Hope you enjoy it,

J.T.Z Baner 

Letter Fifteen

My Dearest Nephew,

I hear that you have made up your mind as to what occupation you are to follow and are planning to go out on a rampage. I must express my disappointment in your choice of occupation and urge you to reconsider. A life of pillaging and dragon treasure repossessing is not for you. However, as you seem set in this idea, I see it as my duty to give you some advice as to how the best way to go about this is. Though I have never gone out on a rampage in my life, I do know the best forms of defensive fighting.

            First, never attack or attempt to repossess the treasure of a dragon too much larger than yourself. It would be folly to do such a thing as you have no experience with fighting and are not a dragon of great size yourself. Therefore, it would be wisest to take on dragons of your size or smaller if you were to have a chance of besting them in battle. If you do choose to attack a dragon of greater size, or if one seeks you out and challenges you, find a place where you have the advantage in the fight. This may sound like cheating, but it is your only chance of survival in such a foolhardy fight.

            I have no doubt that both of your other uncles are advising you on such bloodthirsty topics as the killing of warriors, burning of towns and crops and the repossessing of large parts of another dragon’s hoard. Although you made the choice to become such a dragon, the blame cannot be entirely laid at your feet. Some of it must go to your other uncles, Scaligar and Gargazath. Those two have been acting with irresponsible lack of thought for others from the time of their youth.

            I remember meeting them when the two sides of the family came together. I never really liked them. Scaligar was always crafty and scheming, never content with what he has. Although he may have been filling your head with delusions of his grandeur, he was in fact, never a great dragon, either of the Western or Eastern type and although he may have made a name for himself at one point, he lacked the ability to keep himself in the history books and has faded from the memories of the people he once terrorized, and rightly so!

            Gargazath on the other claw has all of Scaligar’s bad qualities with none of his wit or intelligence. He sees only the carnage that can be wreaked and the blood that might be shed. His idiocy is known far and wide and his arrogance also. He has had a history of any sort although he boasts of a long life in which he has become one of the greatest western dragons ever known and feared throughout the land by man and beast.

            As you can see, your uncles have no experience in the real maters of life and as such I am shocked that you have taken their advice and gone rampaging off to terrorize the humans of the land.

            Your disappointed uncle,

            Semithino

Letter Fourteen

Smok,

At last you have come to your senses! A rampage, the best way to make your name known and feared throughout the land! But I advise you not to stop at Aolia, it is a tropical place, and it would take far too long for the story of your infamous attacks on their crops to reach the ears of other provinces.

You would do best by traveling from the burning Aolia and come to my provinces; Borgard is a rich place, with many duke’s castles and farms to terrorize; Sandemar is a sheep land, which would be best fit for snacks and the occasional sheep-bombing of towns (it never fails to send the humans screeching from their houses).

The best strategy would be to burn a few of the larger towns, killing everyone but making sure there is a nice tall smoke trail, so to bring horrified farmers to the scene.

Eat them all! Then kill them! Then hoard them! Perhaps not in that particular order...

But now onto the most crucial part of your rampage, your title and name: Smok, if I may be so blunt, is a feeble and weak name (I have no idea why your deluded parents gave you that horrid name). But I have thought on this, and have come up with a few well-chosen titles.

Gerdrex the Dastardly, a strong name, liable to strike fear into the minds and hearts of the filthy humans, especially in Borgard

Sygorax the Scoundrel, a rogue like name, liable to quickly fly through travelers from town to town until your name is feared in every land; except perhaps Yovi, those fops are nothing but drunkards and mindless idiots.  

With this in mind, you shall go far, though not as far as your esteemed uncle (me, of course) has.

Your Incredible, fearful, ferocious, terrible, fear inducing, omnipotent, clear minded, outspoken, infamous, wel speld, humble, most modest uncle

Gargazath 

Letter Thirteen

My dear Smok,

It has come to my attention that you are planning a rampage. I understand that the humans in Aolia are woefully underprepared for dragons. There are a few sizeable towns and a smattering of villages, as I looked up in the records. It is an easy place to terrorize and a place where you may make a small name for yourself.

The trick to spreading rumors of your ferocity is to kill as few humans as possible; this may baffle you, but it is good advice. Humans, especially shocked and terrified humans, are prone to great exaggeration, especially those of the female type who are easily terrified. And of course the men are very gullible and will believe that the women who tell them of ‘that huge monstrous serpent, swooping down upon burning fields, unharmed by even the strongest sword’ to the extent that they will think it necessary to move to another, safer province immediately. Of course, helped along by several alcoholic beverages, the men will exaggerate the exaggeration; that is to say, they will spread your name so far that you will be an immediate success. You have your name; the nephew of Scaligar himself! And of course you will have your extreme reputation, as rumored among those survivors you leave in Aolia.

Now, on that note, rampages are often long and tiresome things; feel free to bail out at any time. I understand that Gargazath would be in favor of a prolonged, stupid rampage, but no; something a bit shorter is much better, and always make sure to leave survivors! And the best rampage is one in which you kill another (hopefully bigger too) dragon in plain sight. The humans will think you so fierce that they will quail at your very name, which of course you will make known to them by burning the letters into their crops.

-Your serpentine uncle,

Scaligar

Just in case any of you followers of our blog out there want to know more about us, our initials are J.W.B.T.N.G.Z.L.P.G. for national security reasons, we cannot tell you our names, or where we live. No, we cannot tell you that we live in Oklahoma city or that one of us has red hair so don't even bother asking.
    Some of our favorite books are as follows:
    1. Airman by Eoin Colfer 
    2. Behemoth by Scott Westerfeld
    3. The Golem's Eye by Jonathan Stroud
    4. The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman
    5. The Ring of Solomon by Jonathan Stroud
    6. Bran Hambric and the Fairfield Curse by Kaleb Nation
    7. Warriors: The Darkest Hour by Erin Hunter
    8. Inkheart by Cornelia Funke
    9. Leviathan by Scott Westerfeld
    10. The Rogue Crew by Brian Jacques
    11. The Eternity Code by Eoin Colfer
    12. Skulduggery Pleasant by Derek Landy
And there you have it, a list of some of our favorite stories along with their authors.
    The three of us are working on numerous stories both short and long as well as a trilogy together but have yet to become published authors.
    We cannot tell you our ages as it might endanger the state's security but we can tell you that one of us is thirteen just turned fourteen,another twelve lately turned thirteen and another eleven awaiting his twelfth birthday.


-J.T.Z. Baner

Letter Twelve

My Dearest Nephew,

My esteemed colleague Elithu the wise has informed me that you have taken up residence in Aolia, a most excellent move on your part. Now you must work diligently at building up the trust and goodwill of the villagers close by. They must come to know you as a source of wisdom and benevolence instead of as a plague of fire and fume. Such a job will be difficult for one such as you who have the unmistakable looks of a Western dragon. Creatures with bat-like wings, the ability to breathe fire and spade-tipped tails have a disparaging reputation as vile creatures that constantly steal, hoard and kill. As such you must work extra-hard to put yourself in the god graces of the townsfolk close by. You might consider finding out what great problems the village is dealing with at the moment (there are always one or more of them) and assist the people in dealing with it. It will not do to have them believe that they should expect this from you, but make sure that they see you a source of help rather than woe.

             Now, about your lair. If you have taken a cave on the cliffs, I applaud your good taste. Such places are best for the benevolent dragons as I have said before (for full reasons, look over my previous letter) the entrance ought to be something dramatic so you should think of some way to make anyone entering the cave a bit fearful and respectful, perhaps a curtain of green vines or lichen leading to a shadowy interior. Sleeping arrangements should be easy to arrange in Aolia where as I remember there is an abundance of soft plant life that makes an excellent nest. Any treasures you are brought by heroes should be displayed with a seemingly casual air, scattered about the floor in beams of sunlight or arranged in crevices on the walls. A bit of drama is usually in order as well so you might want to find some incense to burn in small amounts to give your lair a shaded, aromatic air.

            As I said before, do not give your assistance to any villager who wails to you from the top of the cliff but wait for the ones who attempt to climb down the cliffs to speak to you. If they get rather close and then fall, it is fine to catch them so that they will trust you and you will have someone to talk to as life on the cliffs, as peaceful as it is, can get rather boring.

            I sincerely hope that my advice will help you in your new life and that you will flourish as a wise, benevolent dragon.

            Your humble servant, mentor, and uncle,

         Semithino   

            

Exclusive Fantasy Interview

Interviewer: J.T.Z Baner

Interviewee: Sean McDougall the Leprechaun

J.T.Z Baner: what is your name, my friend?

Sean: Ye Fool! Have ye no seen the sign?! There it be! Me own name. And I’ll waste nary a breath trying tae explain it tae a buffoon such as yourself!

J.T.Z Baner: Well…erm…Thank you for that display, and I can certainly check off question four about any anger management issues…HEY! Don’t throw that! It’s fragile!

Sean: CENSORED CENSORED and CENSORED...

J.T.Z Baner: Let’s see, now that that cabinet is back in place…What is your favorite pastime?

Sean: Oi dearly love tae dig man holes at the end of ma rainbows then put a pot o’ gold beside it, ye wouldnae believe the joy it brings to ma ‘eart.

J.T.Z Baner: Hmm…Violent but effective. Now, next question; in human years how old are you?

Sean: oh, perhaps 50, but in dog years ah am 350, and they treat me like some sort ‘o prophet.

J.T.Z Baner: And, where do you work?

Sean: At the Crock ‘0 Gold bank. We do good business, or at least we did until some blasted buffoon blabbed on the vanishing mint, we barricade the doors every weekend.

J.T.Z Baner: And, if I may be so brazen to ask, what happened to the man who blabbed on you?

Sean: Oh, dinnae worry your fine head about that, and even if you did, ye’de no want to write it down on paper, ye ken?

J.T.Z Baner: Oh…heheh…I ken, and I think I’ll bring this enlightening interview to an end Mr. McDougall, farewell!

Sean: Oh, why not, what happened to the blabbing fool was this…HEY HEY! Don’t turn off the recorder ye buffoon! AAAAAH!!

Letter Eleven

SMOK!

I have heard by way of Sanatath the Immense that you have moved out of your home and plan to move to a coastal region, where the best food is hanging from trees! Explain yourself Smok!

I have begun to realize that you have started going by the mentoring of that weedy bum Semethino, and your slimy uncle Scaligar, who does not deserve the rank of dung scraper. I am most displeased Smok, I thought you were rather intellectual, like me, but I can see that I was wrong if you have begun to take advice from the egotist Semithino and your uncle Scaligar the deranged!

I have also heard hat you have moved out of your home without even leaving a scratch on your parents, you foolish weakling! You should have burned them to crisps and taken their cave, you are 131 already, a dragon in the making; I killed my parents when I was only 112! I am ashamed to call you my nephew; now my reputation will be greatly marred by my colleagues realizing that I have a weak-minded idiot for my only nephew. If I had not lately taken a fall and fractured my left wing, I would fly over there and give you a piece of my mind, several, very sharp pieces in fact.

But you may still have hope, renounce your two uncles, who have led you astray, and flush their infectious garbage from your mind and fly back to your cave where you can kill your parents and take over their provinces. I will not have a pomegranate sucking fool for a nephew, I will not! I would even go as far as to say I’d rather have Barbung the Insolent as a nephew.

If you wish to become a feared dragon like me, with the humans defecating in their grubby pants, you must come back to the path of reason and wrath.

Your severely disappointed uncle,

Gargazath     

Weekend Disaster Post

Gremlin Turf War Update:

Further smatterings of skirmishes & ambushes show that the warring gremlin colonies are at it again. The Harr-Dwares and the Wyrebanes had been thought to have cut off their feud, due to the massive casualties on both sides even without machine assistance, but the two tribes are definitely taking this to the last in. Popular pub gossip says that the Harr-Dwares have a better chance of winning because of their bulky bodies and devious tacticians, but the Sunday Fiasco Tribune disagrees; it seems in their minds that the Wyrebanes still have clawing room due to their fierce indifference to the mere thought of defeat and the last week’s outbreak of well-planned ambushes, the most famous one being the Clashing-Bins which left Arkno Svetinhighmer--one of the top officers in the Harr-Dwares--with a trash bin lid mashed over his head, and three mismatched slippers stuffed in his pie hole.

As you can see, the upper hand is yet to be taken, but bets are being placed worldwide. Strangely, most bet that the Harr-Dware high powers will drop a giant sack of flour on top of the Wyrebanes. The other popular bets are that the Wyrebanes will tunnel into the enemy camp and burn their briefs; also there are rumors of the Harr-Dwares building a giant corncob machine. These are unlikely, but possible. I mean, they are Gremlins.

Letter Ten

My dear Smok,

It has come to my attention that you have moved to the coastal region of Aolia. Good move.

The humans there are completely unsuspecting, as they are used to sniveling, scheming fiends like your uncle Semithino, who put on a grand show of goodness and nobility. Terrorize these people, and they will spread your name far and wide in awe of your jellificating powers. Yes, a very wise move on your part. But, would you try to keep favor with your uncle Semithino; I may find it useful to have someone on the inside of his schemes. A double agent is everybody’s friend.

Now, concerning that blasted repossession business. I do hope you don’t take up your uncle’s idea of a good profession. Repossession is the job for wimpy dragons such as Slimtail the Thickheaded and Swamptongue the Fool. I urge you to go upon the true dragon’s path. For it is a lonely and hard path, fraught with dangers and oftentimes death, but at the same time it is noble, good, and befitting of a young talented dragon such as, well, one of your older brothers.

I hope that you know the proper methods of terrification. They are these:

1.    Induce fear. Fear is the best thing to spread your fame. A dragon who knows how to use fear to his advantage need not actually live up to his name. He can use his terrifying presence to scare the very soiled underpants off the humans. They will be shaking, quivering in their boots. A very successful dragon friend of mine, from my younger days of course, was Skarrtath; he will be remembered as one of the minor greats, not quite like Belligast, but close. But did you know, that in his entire career, he only killed ninety-six humans?

2.    Yes, Smok, you must make an excessive use of fire. Fire is the greatest attribute of a dragon (at least according to a human.) If a dragon never breathes fire at anyone, then people will start to pluck up courage, wondering if maybe he cannot breathe fire, and eventually some knight or some such warrior will sneak up on you and kill you with the advantage of surprise.

3.    Thirdly, the use of bodily appearance to render the look of experience and skill. If a dragon has many scars all along his body, humans are more likely to fear him and spread his name; for they will suppose that he has been through many trying battles and sieges and whatever else they might think he has been through. This will add to the terror of your very name. Someday, Smok, if you follow these instructions, you will be known by some name such as “The Gorger”, or “The Terrible”.

So, Smok, now that you have been given a few pointers, why don’t you go slaughter some people in a small town, to make known your immense power?

-Your serpentine uncle,

Scaligar

Letter Nine

My Dearest Nephew,

It has come under my notice that your uncle Gargazath has been advising you to enter the repossession business. I would advise against such an act as it can be a rather strenuous and overly dangerous occupation. When repossessing the treasures hoarded by another dragon, one must also battle them and kill them before they can take any of said dragon’s said treasures so as not to risk the dragon coming after you for revenge. As such you must see that this occupation is only for the foolhardy who often die within months of beginning their campaign. The treasures collected by another dragon are not worth your life.

            I would say the best occupation for one such as you would be either the local wise-dragon or the knight assisting business. The local wise-dragon is well paid in food, treasures and the goodwill of the local humans which is always good to have on your side.

            On the other hand, a young dragon such as yourself might find your calling as the roaming knight’s companion. Knights and warrior of all kinds are often in need of the wisdom and power of a benevolent dragon. I happen to know as a fact that it is a well paying business having taken it up for a short time in my youth before settling down. The knight in question will insist upon repaying you in some way for your services even if the quest is not successful. As some of these knights are on a quest set by their king, they are almost always able to amply reward a dragon for his efforts. If they are rich men with many connections, do not refuse their offers of reward. But, if they are poor knights with hardly two coins to rub together, it is wise to simply say something like “the fact that justice has been served is all the payment I require.” The reason for this is that accepting the reward of a poor knight will leave him penniless and much less likely to come for your assistance on future quest. Also such rewards are often simply things of purely sentimental value and of non whatsoever to the dragon in question:

Poor knight: Here, take this, it was my little child’s first catch-cloth, it means a lot to me.

Dragon: Ah, thank you I will um, treasure it forever.

            See what I mean? Never take the reward of a poor knight as it will be of no use to you and often better off as a pile if ashes or weighted down with rocks and cast from the cliffs. Also, when dealing with a poor knight, it is often wise to give them a treasure from your collection, not necessarily too large or costly, but enough to raise them out of their poverty. Such an act will make you known as a kindly dragon far and wide, give you the goodwill of the knight and give you a certain satisfied feeling.

            I think I have given enough information on the subject of occupation to give you a fine view of the jobs available to you as a growing dragon, I shall therefore say farewell until I write again.

Your humble servant, mentor and uncle,

Semithino

Letter Eight

Smok,

It has come again to my attention that your over stuffed uncle Scaligar has sent you a long letter which in every word insults me, tells lies of my hoard, and sneers at my hoard. But you can tell him that I could not care less what he thinks about me, for I do not pay attention to his pathetic attempt at desecrating me, for he is a no-good, fat-bellied, to smart-for-his-own-good imbecilic moron.

But I must defend something, I DO have a diamond throne, it just got cracked and I had to put it in storage! And I do have a collection of golden knight’s helmets, I just put them in an enchanted chamber, then I realized that I did not know anything about...

But on to your mentoring; I have found that repossessing is a masterful way of swelling your hoard, though I have made mine great by killing kings and taking there treasure as tribute, but for a lowly dragon like yourself, repossessing is a good way to begin your hoard, and after a few years of my mentoring, you might come up to my standard of terror-inducing evil overlord of three provinces.

I trust that you have killed your parents already in a most horrific and brutal fashion. I will be checking up on you in the next few days, but for now, my wrath remains quiet.

Your ferocious, incredible, fearful, terrible, need I mention omnipotent and modest uncle,

Gargazath         

Letter Seven

My dear Smok,

It has come to my attention that you have been receiving advice from your other two uncles. Now, let me tell you something about your uncles.

Gargazath is a dolt; he has never accomplished anything in his life, yet he boasts of a private collection of golden knights’ helmets and a throne in the Borgard province made completely from diamond. He is fibbing, of course; Gargazath is a fool with two brains: one is missing, and the other has gone out looking for it.

Now, concerning your uncle Semithino, he is not right in the head; a soft-hearted fop, he raves over peace and delicacy, whereas a true dragon’s goals are terrification, jellification, hoardification, squashification, and eatification, as well as his or her ambition in rising to the supreme throne of all dragons (which you are not yet ready for). If all goes well, you should be remembered like Belligast the Bold, who took over seven provinces within three days, often sitting on the town halls and breathing a scalding layer of flame into the rest of the town. Those were the days when no dragon would ever question the principles of jellification, but yet you find Semithino, doing just that!

I implore you to ignore their counsel, especially that of Gargazath the Oaf. They are both fools, and should be avoided at all costs. If the need ever arose, I would gladly have jellificated both of them, but they are not a threat to me in my current esteemed position, and it would be beneath me.

Now, concerning your ailment. It seems that you have contracted cottontooth even though I warned you profusely of it. Did Gargazath tell you to eat cow and sheep all day? Yes, he has been through many sickness, one of which cannot be cured: idiocy. Gargazath is a dull-brained numbskull with a soft head; that is to say, his brain was jellificated without his body receiving harm.

But be wary of that snake Semithino; though he pretends to be wise and good, he actually plots behind everyone’s back. One time, if I had not stumbled over his plans to take over the whole world, we would all be eating trees by now. So be glad that he has not wiled you away into his deluded visions of peace with humanity.

-Your serpentine uncle,

Scaligar