Sunday, December 28, 2014

Sunday Fiasco: Hippogriff Herd Blitzkrieg's Helpless Town

Terror (which is a vital ingredient in a good fiasco) struck the town of WeeluvTarur in the county of YezouiDo early yesterday morning when a massive contingent of Hippogriffs flew over the market square and without warning began to bombard the citizens with their own...natural projectiles.
The town's guard was no match for the smelly carpet bombing, and fled inside, while several were struck and have been marked down DIA (Defiled In Action).
After several passes over the square, each one with another bowl full of spite, the armada of intestinally malevolent Hippogriffs split into close flying groups and spread throughout the town, pinpointing fleeing towns and...depositing destruction upon them.
Eventually, the town's executives gave in to the invaders and held up a white bib in surrender.
Soon after the Hippogriff conquerors had taken hold of the town, a battalion of military pixies entered the town with intent to oust the invaders and hopefully wash up.
Taken by surprise in the town square as they refilled their weaponized stomachs, the Hippogriffs only barely managed to rebuff the pixie forces, who all wore body armor and gas masks to counteract their weapons.
Forcing the pixie's forces out of the town and into the surrounding fields, the Hippogriff herd took to the air, but fortuneately for the liberators their bowels ere not yet full with deadly missiles, and the superior maneuverability of the pixie forces soon told.
After the Hippogriffs were arrested and hoof-cuffed, they were transported to holding cells in the Rocky Pocky Mountains, the only jail facility with restrooms strong enough to cope with the new inmates.
Several of the Fiasco's best reporters interviewed some of the survivors in WeeluvTarur, who mostly gagged about the smell, but also gave several insights into the reasons for the Hippogriffs aerial invasion.
The most popular was that "They w's j'st crazy(cough, cough)!", along with the possibility that "They'm wanted owr food, like (cough, gag)!"
We are unsure for the moment to the exact motive of the destructive invasion, but we are quite sure that it was a smashing good fiasco.

Written by Eddie von Porto'Pot and Edited by Butthurst Stinkenzout

Friday, December 5, 2014

Water Under the Bridge Letter 5

I gather from your reply to my first letter that your parents disapprove of my missive born education for your advancement in social inadequacy.
          Well, Lout, I think your parents’ distrust of my qualifications is a sham for something deeper. My relationship with Mingo and Droodida has always been unhealthily friendly.
          As trollmutts Mingo and I and our brother Dingo were inseparable for a short time due to a glue gun malfunction. But after that Dingo was a good brother, giving out wedgies and dropping mud on us as often as possible, he was a true troll.
          But I’m sad to say Lout, that your father was unusual bad as a child. He was never a bully at school, and even when the Skool children begged him to shove their heads down toilets; he only gave them severe wet willies.
          And he was always nice to me! I couldn’t understand it. As the youngest, I was the stereotypical punching back, for stench’s sake! Everyone else was good! They kicked, slapped and hung me over deep wells! But he only ever set fire to my bed, by mistake too!
          Sorry Lout, I’m always a bit traumatized when I remember. But you must realize why Mingo does not want me as a contact, it reminds him of his child where he failed to be a true delinquent!
          I will be the first to say that he improved later in life, far exceeding the exploits of Dingo who unfortunately got eaten in Australia due to a misunderstanding, but his childhood is still stained by that slight good nature.
          So I have decided to begin contacting you in secret, my nephew, so not to upset your parents any further.
          Now my messenger pigeon shall only fly at night, in a lack leotard, and shall pretend to be shot down by arrows to confuse any surveillance just as it is reaching your swamp, and then spiral down limply through your window, landing in a perfect cartwheel that will send my letter spinning from its leg into your outstretched mitt.
          That procedure should be sufficient to debunk any suspicions that might have aroused by a normal pigeon.
          My quill is running low, and my castle’s getting nearer to a town with a good ink factory. Do you want anything Lout? Send a quick pigeon and I might be able to steal something appropriate.
          But I must go now,
          Your affectionate and only uncle,
          Bingo Gobspit
          P.S. I’ll get to my unfortunate involvement with your mother next time.
          Pee-Pee. S. Do you like Spearmint Gum? I’ve just raided a merchant ship found a sunken treasure ship, and it’s got a massive store of the stuff. I’ve enclosed some, just in case. Forgive the sogginess.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

K9 Experiments Go Horribly Wrong...

(Cue Suspenseful Backing Track)
Over the last hundred years, dog breeders, corrupt organizations like PetSmart, and sadistic money seeking tycoons have merged the DNA of many a mutt so to create amorphous creatures that will perfectly satisfy the populace.
But they went to far lately (cue Jaws theme), and created a batch of dog breeds so terrible and twisted that they were hidden away in a secret government facility. This list is the only remaining log of those unholy creations.
So, yeah, enjoy.

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up easy for transporting

Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up alot

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, not a popular dog with CIA agents

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end