Sunday, September 30, 2012

Letter Forty-Two

We the authors of the blog would like to apologize for not posting in a while. Hopefully we will be more regular in the future; thank you for your patience.


My dear Smok,
It has come to my attention that you have executed your first attack upon the rogue dragons. I am very displeased.
I hear, firstly, that you hired several dragons of the benevolent kind to carry out your onslaught. You dolt! You dolt! You dolt! Are you insane? It seems that Terminal Blagardizash runs in the family! What in the name of Belligast were you thinking? Even though your face was hidden from the rogues and you never appeared in the attack, the remaining rogues will hunt down those that they saw, and Pellicor the Mastermind will concoct many tortures for them, and they will tell him everything! Everything! Your name will be revealed! Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!
Now only the Infernox sisters (who are dangerous enough in themselves), Pellicor, and Burgrath the Backstabber live. Good job on killing Ardung and Minox with your plan, but you still have four fearsome opponents to deal with and now they almost certainly know your name! You fool! You fool! You fool!
The other four have relocated, you birdbrain, because your attack scared them off. Now my friend Kreedack the Tracker will have to track them down all over again because of your bungling stupidity! You have been a fool with your foolish folly, you fool!
I expect an apology forthwith in your next reply.
-Your serpentine (and very displeased) uncle,

Monday, September 24, 2012

Letter Forty-One

My dearest Nephew,
I hear that you have begun your campaign against the Rogues as I believe they are known. Your first attack was most brilliantly executed and I applaud your ingenuity. While somewhat disappointed that you did not use my exact plan, I can still appreciate the genius of your overall strategy.
         From what I hear from friends in the area, you dug deep trenches around the Rogues’ cavern hideout and disguised them with a layer of bracken, dead leaves and fallen branches. Then you had your dragon cohorts hide in these trenches and burst up from them in an explosion of flames to startle the marauders. The avalanche technique from the cave mouth was also a marvelous idea.
         I hear that these troublesome dragons are still fighting hard and refusing to leave the province the ruler and peoples of which they are still antagonizing but do not lose heart! You have already accomplished a brave beginning to your campaign and taken these vagabonds by surprise. What with the advantages of superior numbers and strategy, the battle should soon be over and end in your favor.
P.S. Try not to lose this battle, I hear that the Rogues have a bad habit of holding grudges against those who attack and harm them; just a little extra information.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Several Reliable Tips on Identifying and Controlling a Vampire or Werewolf Victim

  Tips on identifying a young child bitten by a Lycanthrope (Werewolf):
1: If he/she has a diabolical craving for certain crunchy dog treats
2: If he/she is growing a premature beard…All over his/her body. Alternative: If he/she takes mysterious bathroom breaks on every full moon that last for hours.
3: If he/she needs a good scratch on the chin before you can give him/her his/her milk bottle.
4: If he/she visits www.howtobakeahumaninabigol’, all the time.
5: If he/she is found buried in Baking pachyderms: A beginners guide.
Tips on controlling your average werewolf victim:
1: Lock him/her in a padded room every full moon. Suggestion: Ignore calls for bathroom breaks, despite the inevitable consequences.
2: Go to your window, open it, and scream until you sprain both lungs. Hey it worked for Jack Bubdy! Except…He had a brain tumor, and a bullet wound. In his cranium. Persistent chap wasn’t he…
3: Find the werewolf responsible. And threaten that you’ll shove its head in a particularly grimy commode until he comes up with the non-existent cure.
4: Abandon the house, burn it to the ground, then put it out. Then light it again, the smash it with a crane, then empty a crate of quiche on it.
A few choice advisory tactics on how to identify a young vampire victim:
1: If he/she resembles a man liken unto a can of Mayonnaise, white as a ghost, sickly as an American!
2: If his/her room is piled with books with titles such as The Bloodsucking manual: A failsafe guide to draining victims and The Nocturnes Guide to household Hors D’oevres.  
3: A sure sign is him/her cremating some particularly pungent shish kebabs.
4: If you catch him/her singing a song known simply as Pop goes the jugular vein.
How to peg those who’ve been bitten by a Vampire:
1: Bake him in a garlic soufflé. Unusual, but effective.
2: Make him watch Dracula, over, and over, and over. How this helps I am yet to understand.
3: Take him camping, make him set up the tent, which has a mysteriously abundant source of homing stakes.
4: We apologize. But the man who was supposed to write this tip was eaten.

We hope you have enjoyed this masterfully written piece of pure art. And we hope you will use these tips to identify your neighborhood monsters. Except that one about dumping quiche on ruins. The source of that particular one is in the midst of complete cranial meltdown.

Written by Madame futsbrokken

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Letter Forty

Lately I have come upon the information ynformatunn that you plan on getting rid of six rogue draconic dragenik dragons who have invaded Frostuay Province and Byrenion fortress furtrezz.
I agree with this decision dezizhun whole-heartedly, though I may have to tweak the overall plan some. Especially the part where warre I heard that you wish to HELP the villagers vylajurs out of danger, and not squash and dice and burn them after you slaughter the dragon dracgun outlaws!
This is hardly the way to tew grow your reputation repewtazzeoun my pea-brained nephew nevuew. The best way would be to stomp several towns to charred splinters spiunturzz, kill a few dragons (preferably emaciated ones to preserve bodily limbs and functions) then settle down with worshippers wurszippers groveling at your claws.
Now, back to the subject subbgekt of the endangered province provenzce, I have a few fabulous tips on the ways to incapacitate the band of dragons, and invaluable invalubll information on their cave defenses.
First on the cave defenses; the first and foremost formoztt defense is a number of scale piercing spikes halfway through the waterfall guarding the cave that will impale any dragon that does not know the safe path through the danger zone zsonne.
The second obstacle ubstakle appears in the form of several wide slits that exude great amounts of boiling magma magemaa once the unwitting dragon trips over the bull hide trip wire. Instant boilification!
The last and most dangerous obstacle is a small tunnel with numerous ruptures in the walls which explode with fire when the dragon protecting the lair snorts an inferno into a long horn connected to the holes, instant crispy critter, even a dragon.
Now that were finished with that lets continue konntynew with my mentoring on how to assassinate the rogues in the most bloodthirsty, deforming, smashing, disgusting, and completely inappropriate ynuprpreett and dragonish way.
Option 1: A sure way of destroying the dragons would be this option, where you would be entitled to “accidentally” cause an avalanche of boulders which incidentally ynkiduntallee are wrapped in oiled and flaming rags (might be a tad hard to explain to the Duke) over the outlaws waterfall, thus trapping them in, and the noxious fumes would kill them eventually, gruesome of course, I mean I have to live up to my name and all.
Option 2: This is the one I recommend rekkumand most, to barge into the cave and blow fire and slash your claws until all is gone, then for a lasting impression perhaps purappz relieve yourself on the floor.
Option 3: There isn’t one.
Well, I hope you have learned many things from my enlightening enleitening and heavenly parchments nephew, for they are the most poetic potik missives that have ever left this forsaken asylum in which I unjustly remain!
Farewell my misled idiot nephew,
Your STILL DEFINITELY NOT INSANE, awesome, powerful, all powerful, power draining, Incredible, fearful, ferocious, terrible, fear inducing, brain warping, flittering, fluttering, buzzing, omnipotent, clear minded, outspoken, infamous, wel speld, overbearing, great, clairvoyant, humble and modest uncle
P.S. Oh, I forgot to mention, I had a ripping fun tea party with Blizzdiblundicus the other day, and we were having a great time when the guard appeared and tore it apart shouting garbled sentences about talking to walls and not to be leaving for three hundred years, preposterous prypuzturuzz of course!

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Letter Thirty-Nine

We the authors of the blog apologize for the misposts. We hope it never happens again. That said, please enjoy Letter Thirty-Nine.


My dear Smok,
It has come to my attention that you have accepted the king’s job. Good.
Please do not follow Semithino.
I have a source, Kreedack the Tracker, who says the rogue dragons you are attempting to track are hiding in a nicely disguised cave in the side of Mount Merridan. A very nice piece of real estate, it is hidden behind the Frostuay Falls. But be careful, from Kreedack’s description, it is well armed.
Please do not follow Semithino.
There is a team of six dragons altogether; one of them, fairly large, is the brawn of the group; from Kreedack’s description I believe that he is Ardung the Mangler. He shall be the toughest match of all in strength, but his brain powers are seriously lacking.
Please do not follow Semithino.
There are two twin black dragons, who appeared to Kreedack to be the very infamous Infernox sisters. Be wary of those two; though they are slightly smaller than you, they are nimble, swift, and cunning, and they never leave each other’s side, making them very difficult opponents.
Please do not follow Semithino.
The fourth appears to be a skulker; that is, a small weakling dragon with almost no fight in him but who is a master of camouflage and disguise; he scouts out good spots to hit. If you can spot him, then he shall be an easy target. His name is Minox the Diminutive.
Please do not follow Semithino.
The fifth is about your size, and he seems to be about equal to you in every respect. In fact, I regret to inform you, Smok, that it is Burgrath; yes, indeed, your old partner who left you with a long jagged scar to remember him by.
Please do not follow Semithino.
In my experience as a dragon I have found revenge to be a great motivator, but always remember: it is a dish best served cold. When you kill Burgrath, you must make him suffer and regret his betrayal, begging for mercy before you finally give him mercy by finishing him off forever.
Please do not follow Semithino.
The sixth is a mastermind dragon, of about the size of the Infernox sisters. Be wary of him; he never leaves the lair, but instead tends to the numerous booby traps inside. That’s right, booby traps. So you can’t go rushing into their lair while they’re asleep and slit their throats. This dragon is named Pellicor the Mastermind.
Please do not follow Semithino.
I would advise you to get Ardung the Mangler alone, then drop several large boulders on him from above, killing him and making it look like an accident. If you can get him with Minox, even better; since Minox is small, he will not add to the threat level if he and Ardung see you.
Please do not follow Semithino.
That is all my advice for now; once you have killed Ardung or if there is an emergency, please write back and I will tell you what to do next.
-Your serpentine uncle,

P.S. Please do not follow Semithino.
P.P.S. Please do not follow Semithino.
P.P.P.S. PLEASE do not follow Semithino.
P.P.P.P.S. PLEASE DO not follow Semithino.
P.P.P.P.P.S. PLEASE DO NOT follow Semithino.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Letter Thirty-Eight

My Dearest Nephew,
Due to my connections in the Frostuay province, it has come to my attention that the kingdom there is under attack from a vicious group of dragon marauders. Also, you told me in your last letter.
       Even though you tell me that your uncle Scaligar wishes you to help this king to strengthen your image of greatness, I think that you should do it to make it known that you are a reliable dragon to call on in times of great danger. One of the benefits of helping this kingdom is that the king might come to your aid if you ever are in a sticky position. Being a benevolent dragon is not always something that we do out of the goodness of our hearts, there are benefits to be gained as well as the satisfied feeling a dragon gets from helping the people around him.
       Now, as to how to best these dragons. I hear that they count a powerful Northern dragon among their number, so I would not suggest attacking them head on, that is how dragons such as Beowlaga the permanently concussed and Atharta of the splintered spinal column were injured in the first place, but rather use cunning and strategy. One of the best ways to get rid of a dragon (or many dragons in this case) would be to leave numerous wineskins filled with heated wine along the path to their layer, make it seem as though it is an offering made by the people to appease the dragons. Most dragons when faced with such a meal will immediately devour the skins, wine and all and become bloated and sluggish, making them easy to take down.
       Another, rather more painful course of action would be to fill cakes with sheeps’ wool and tar and offer them to the dragons. When eaten, the cakes will kill the dragon by way of food-poisoning. This method kills the dragon over a longer period of time however, giving said dragon quite some time to create havoc in the towns before finally kicking it, therefore, only use it (a) in a deserted area far from any human settlements of any kind or (b) when all else has failed ad there is no other possible solution.
       Your humble servant, mentor and uncle,

Friday, September 7, 2012

Letter Thirty-Seven

My dear Smok,
It has come to my attention that you know of my successfully commanding an operation to capture Gargazath. He is now locked up in a mental facility because of his Terminal Blagardazash! Rejoicification! Feastification! Jellification! Hoorayification!
Now, you must be a traditional dragon! Break free of Semithino’s terrible influence. He is corrupting you, using you against yourself! You must listen to reason! I am ashamed that you should be fallen to his will. If you do not destroy your psychic connection to him, then you shall not survive. Cut off correspondence. Make sure you hardly ever talk to him again! I beg of you, don’t fall away. Come back to the proper tradition. Please, I hope you understand how desperate I am at this point. I wish that you could turn to the light. I would not want you to be wasted away, a husk of your true potential, helping miserable orphan humans left and right. I would hate for you to turn away from your true self.
My deepest condolences if you continue on your current path, but I have gotten hold of a job offering that would increase your fame, even though it is a benevolent act. There is a king up north in the Frostuay province, who has recently had troubles with rogue dragons. If you can best them, then you will be known far and wide as a fierce fighter, who can battle many dragons and still triumph.
The name of the king is Joseph, and he lives in Byrenion Castle, in the Frostuay province. But please make your collaboration with the king very discreet, or else it will be known that your act was one of benevolence and not of traditional greatness.
-Your serpentine uncle,

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Review on Erak's Ransom

I have found it worthwhile to shy away from the usual routine of Iron Wyvern temporarily and concoct a review on the greatly edifying book Erak’s Ransom in the final spells of the Ranger’s Apprentice Chronicles.
Let us begin:
Firstly I must express my admiration of how John Flanagan has put together this story of mind and heart wrenching twists along with his ample explanations of the terrible experiences the Rangers and co. go through; including the terrible sandstorms, the heat of the desert and suffocating sun and the fearful displays of the battles tucked in the pages, a task of which my inexperienced writing mind is still tangled and boggled by, in short; Mr. Flanagan is a master of the literary art.
My next praise goes to how he laces into his books many different flavors like a cook preparing his prize stew, allow me to elaborate.
Somehow he manages to plant suspicion in his readers for the most mundane characters, then blast out with an incredible explanation to all of his mind numbing puzzles.
I have always been troubled over my rationed creativity in naming my characters, but I am still in awe of how Mr. Flanagan names his countries after actual modern countries only by their sparsely known olden day titles, like Gallica i.e France and Araluen i.e England Etc..
Also he seems to have an unending supply of fitting names for every character that pops into his mind, like Saoud the Silk Merchant, Selethen the Wakir, Svengal of Skandia, Halt the Ranger, Gilan the swords master and so on and so forth…
I retain my admiration especially for how he fit into his already bursting storyline the Tuilaghi Raiders; the Blue Veiled Devils, the Forgotten of God, simply masterful! And to use the repeated word once more, MASTERFUL!
As you might expect I advise any serious or other readers to read this book, along with the rest of Flanagan’s ample book list, I know he is also coming out with a new series called Brotherband, I've read the ones the library's got! And perhaps they will mkae another review possible!
Farewell Bloggers, and please strive to collect a copy of…pause for effect…cue suspenseful music… Erak’s Ransom!!
J.T.Z Baner
Blogger's note: I may have delved to far into the series, for Erak's Ransom happens to be the 7th book in the 10 book series, but don't let my slip up stop you. Read them ALL! Commence mad donkey laugh!