Saturday, June 30, 2012

Letter Five

My Smok,
Here are three of your first lessons I shall be mentoring you about; listen well, my thickheaded nephew.
1: to eat everything, kill everything, hoard everything (not necessarily in that order).
2: start on a strict diet of meat, preferably fresh cow or sheep (and always chew on their larger bones, for good strong gums).
 3: a few of the better techniques teaching exactly how to squash a knight’s head.
4: to learn the basic lesson of any dragon of a young, and powerful age. Not to uselessly blow fire at the attacking knight, who will only block it, but pretend to do exactly that, so the idiotic human will raise its shield in protection. Then promptly squash him flat into the ground, then if you're hungry, you can store him for pancakes later.
That is enough for now; I will soon be sending more of my amasing and well-spelled letters that will soon have an aura of learning and terror.
Your ferocious, incredible, fearful, terrible, and most modest uncle

Weekend Disaster Post

Werewolf breakout at Sicklemoon Prison:
Late last full moon, three Werewolf convicts escaped from Sicklemoon and ran riot in the surrounding village of Lidnock. The escapees’ empty wards were soon filled with those unfortunate enough to be out late and encounter the half-mad likenthropes and get bitten.
A few hours after the breakout a Sicklemoon executive gave a speech to the townsfolk containing mostly cautions, and the village-wide plea to alert the prison if any signs of the inmates appeared, such as strangely-acting tramps (could be the unaccounted for bitten) or stray hanks of dog hair (signs of the Werewolves’ whereabouts).
No one yet has alerted Sicklemoon, so the Post advises all Lidnock inhabitants to stay in their locked houses on the full moon, and not go out on midnight walks no matter how many fairies are shining that night.
The Post
J.T.Z. Baner  

Friday, June 29, 2012

Letter Four

My dear Smok,
It has come to my attention that you are moving out of your parents’ cave to a small piece of real estate in the Chur province. I urge you to reconsider! You are not ready yet to begin a campaign as a fierce dragon. No, stay with your parents until I advise you to go. And anyway, even if you were ready I would not want you ending up in the Chur province. It is small and the humans there are hardly worth jellification. You will not prove yourself fierce and mighty at all if you go there. I know a dragon named Slimtail who has taken up residence there; a puny dragon he is, not feared at all. No, you want to move to a place renowned for some semi-greats. Not the legendary ones, mind you, like Poisonfang or Belligast; their reputation would be unsuitable to campaign against. Do not move to Ghuran or Svagor province, either; remember the great Ripptooth who terrorized both those areas? No, pick a coastal province or one in the heart of the kingdom; but the middle are either those of the greats or the wimps. You want neither. I would personally advise you as a successful dragon to choose Higard province. There are many good lair caves there, and the humans are a very great delicacy. Not to mention that there have been a few intermediate dragons there, but not many, so that if you prove to be one of these, even then your name shall spread with reputation. Of course if you have a load of potential and turn out to be one of the greats it will spread even quicker, provided you leave survivors (hehehe). Yes, Higard would be a good choice, but do not move too soon. Understand?
Now, in your letter which you sent me, I notice that you seem to have a liking for sheep as a meal. I realize that you have not really tasted fresh human flesh. I advise you to know that sheep are far worse than men; their fluffy coats get stuck in between the teeth, sometimes causing a draconic gum disease called ‘Cottontooth’. Your teeth grow soft and fall out one by one. To avoid this make sure to sharpen them twice every day and drink plenty of cave-water. Take regular naps if your teeth become soft. I would go so far as to advise you to stay off your sheep diet and choose instead fish; if you sit at a stream with your mouth open in the water, quite a few will swim in and you will have a filling meal. But since your sheep appetite must be sated, try to wean yourself off that and watch for cottontooth.
-Your serpentine uncle,

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Letter Three

My Dearest Nephew,
I hear that your other two uncles are sending you letters filled with instructions as to the best way to become a dragon. As you know, both of your other uncles are Western dragons and will therefore do their best to make you a dragon such as them which is to say, a flying terror, pillaging villages, hoarding gold and killing off knights. Whatever they might tell you; this is not the only path a dragon can take, or the proper one for that matter. I myself have taken up residence in the East where dragons are not feared, but known as sources of benevolent wisdom and generosity. I find this a much better way of life than being feared and hated by every village and being attacked by every sword-swinger within a mile. No, the way of the benevolent dragon is not only safer, and more accommodating, but it is highly gratifying.
     As your other two sources of information will be doing their best to fill your head with bloodthirsty images of rampages and hoards of gold, I see it as my duty to become your mentor in the ways of the benevolent dragon. I will be writing to you with advice on how to make yourself such a dragon that will be known for his kindness through the ages and how to avoid the path of such dragons as your uncles Scaligar and Gargazath.
     Your humble servant, mentor and uncle,

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Letter Two


I have come upon the information that one of your deluded uncles has lately contacted you, trying to mislead you with - -I have no doubt- -abundant missives advising you to pick your spot of pillaging carefully and patiently. I disagree! I shall now give you my own version of your imbecilic uncle’s atrocious letter.

By simply looking back through dragonish historical archives, you will find that all dragons pass through their phases. One of there most notable phases is Rage, Anger, and Cunning! If I may be so blunt, I am the essence of all three of those masterful arts. And so it follows through simple deduction, that who else but me would be better made to mentor you; you of course will be my servant, and for a while, even slave. But you will learn many things, just as I learned just as many from Fangburn the Scorcher when I was in your state.

Your ferocious, incredible, fearful, modest uncle

Interview with J.T.Z Baner

Interviewer: You post the name J. T. Z. Baner on your blog, is that a combination of all three of your names or simply made up.
J. T. Z. Baner: My name is my name and that is all the public needs to know.
Interviewer: Alright then. How old are you? 15? 13? 20?
J. T. Z. Baner: Yes.
Interviewer: Where do you live?
J. T. Z. Baner: I live in Ok-wait a minute! This is a trick isn’t it?! Gimme that tape recorder!
Interviewer: Now then, let’s get back to business. What are your interests?
J. T. Z. Baner: I like archery, fencing, purple paint, tortoises, fuzzy slippers, sharp objects, finger-painting, jello and getting struck by lightning.
Interviewer: Um, okay then. What is your favorite TV show?
J. T. Z. Baner: Hmm, that’s a tough one. I suppose that my two favorites are Burn Notice and The Last Airbender, not the movie though, that stank like a troll’s boxers fermented in lasagna in a trashcan in the Sahara.
Interviewer: Uh, thank you for that enlightening review.
J. T. Z. Baner: You’re very welcome, care for my views on My Little Pony?
Interviewer: I think we’ll leave it at that for the moment, time’s flying and you know what they say.
J. T. Z. Baner: Ah yes, “Time flies like a an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.”
Interviewer: Um, quite. Goodbye then, must run.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Letter One


My dear Smok,
It has come to my attention that you are in need of some advice on how to be a dragon. Now, even though you may appear to be a dragon on the outside, there is a real fine art to being a dragon on the inside – that is, to acting like one.
A dragon is a dragon, and nothing else, being such a peculiar and interesting being. A dragon’s every part of himself is made for a specific purpose; that is, the terrification and abusation of humans.
To accomplish this specific purpose, one must be absolutely careful in every way. One must give the exact impression one wants without being too over-the-top or reckless, and without being shy or scared. (Scared? I do hope you know that fear is not in the list of dragonish emotions.)
As your mentor in these things I shall take it as my utmost duty to write you the best advice that I can. It is important that you listen to this advice, since I am now your instructor. Read carefully and my knowledge will be fully revealed to you, and you will be a true dragon – that is, on the inside, my dear Smok.
However there comes a time in a dragon’s life when he or she is challenged by a man, usually some knight fussing over some stolen princess. Be absolutely firm in that you kill this assailant as gruesomely and quickly as possible, both to serve as an example and not to give him a lucky opening which might result in your doom. I want you to be prepared by my guidance for said time fully so that you may rise to your full potential and be the best dragon you can be. Human squashification is the pathway to your grandeur and prolonged existence as a terror and a legend in human memory.
-Your serpentine uncle,

The Draconian Letters

The Draconian letters are a series of...letters...from three dragon uncles to their young nephew Smok on the subject of how to grow into a fine dragon. Each of them have conflicting views as to the duties and habits of the perfect dragon.

If you feel the urge, proceed to the first of these letters above. We will be posting the later keep an eye out.


This being our first post, we the authors of this blog have decided to welcome any readers to the lair of the Iron Wyvern. Enter with caution, tread carefully, and please enjoy.

One more thing, and don't forget it. Leanann an nathair ar a sceal fein.