Sunday, September 14, 2014

2014 Riddling Derby No. 7

Welcome to Iron Wyvern! Today is the beginning of the Seventh Riddling Derby of 2014! Defending champion: Dmitri Pendragon. Who will challenge his title?

EDIT: We're sorry there was no Book of the Week post on Saturday; there was a slight mixup in the choice of novel. This week we'll be back on schedule.

Each of the first three riddles are worth one point, and the last one is worth two. Please honor the other contestants and don't use the internet, of course. That would be cheating.

If there is a tie, we will try to get hold of the contestants for a riddle-off tiebreaker. If that cannot be arranged, we will simply induct both of them into the Hall of Riddlers simultaneously.

All right, you know the rules, let's get started!

Riddle #1: You can easily touch me, but not easily see me. You can throw me out, but not away.

What am I?

Riddle #2: What heavy seven letter word can you take two from and be left with eight?

Riddle #3: If a farmer has 5 chickens, two horses, and his wife on his farm, how many feet are on his farm? (nobody's disabled, too, so don't worry about that)

Bonus Riddle: What is 40 divided by 1/2, plus 15?

Comment below with your answers, suggestions, thoughts, love letters, etc. Comments will be moderated, so don't worry about letting other contestants know the answers.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

The Weekly Draconian, 9.10.14. Issue #6

We may have finished Book Two of TDL, but TWD will continue (The Weekly Draconian, not The Walking Dead, for those of you who watch way too much Netflix). After all, there are several happenings in the draconian lands, despite the three uncles' respective departures.
Without further ado, here is the 6th installment in The Weekly Draconian!

Police Recapture 6 Inmates in Aolia; Dangerous Convict Found Dead
Columnist: Glen Greenscale
Editor: Krala the Terror

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Book of the Week: September 6th, 2014

AND here's the newest post for the day, though that might change if you read this in a few days under the weight of several other posts, so always read this one first.
Right, now that we've got a plan, lets cut right to the chase and stride straight into our latest BOOK OF THE WEEK!

King Solomon's Mines
by H. Rider Haggard

Genre: Fiction & Adventure
Category: Flippin'. Awesome. Book. 'Nuff. Said.
Series: Book 1, Allan Quatermain.

If you've seen The League of Extraordinary Gentleman you've heard of him. Allan Quatermain, the Indiana Jones of the Sahara. In this book Haggard sends him and two strange companions, a profane sea captain and a Danish man seeking his brother across an unknown desert in search of the Diamond Mines of King Solomon himself, protected by an undiscovered race, the Kukuanahs. Filled with the kind of suspense, comedy and adventure every book should have, Haggard manages to mix a civil war amidst the natives, a alpine race against time, and the culminating discovery of the greatest treasure ever discovered, all inside King Solomon's Mines...Which you should be reading right now.

Until next Saturday. Comment if you have a good suggestion for the next Book of the Week.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

LAST LETTER! Book Two Letter Fifty-Six

BEHOLD, it is the end of The Draconian Letters Book Two! Savor the end. If you cry, we will be providing complimentary tissue boxes to your left, right, and/or front. In case of cabin decompression, gas masks will drop from the ceiling. If you have a child with you, please secure your own mask before helping them. In case of emergency, the seat cushions can be used as life rafts.
Anyway, here is the last letter of BOOK TWO, written by Scaligar.
Enjoy, and thank you for reading.

Don't forget to be here November 1st for the premiere of Water Under the Bridge, our newest series!

-JTZ Baner

My dear Smok,
It has come to my attention that in the aftermath of the gigantic debacle Semithino’s idiotic antics have caused, it may be best for me to lay low for a while. I left off in my last letter with my escape from that horrendous prison in which I was imprisoned. As an escaped convict, I had to deal with Trubodox’s underwater grunts and bubbles, which surely meant, “ARE WE THERE YET?!” to which I would reply with some Morse-code bursts meaning, “SHUT UP, I SHOULDN’T HAVE EVEN BROUGHT YOU WITH ME.”

Book Two Letter Fifty-Five

'Tis here, 'tis here! The second to last letter! The final missive from the claws of the Western, rampaging uncle! Kindly put your keyboards in the air for...Trubodox's Last!
Dear Smok,
       Dragons are not meant to swim. I realized this shortly after our scale raising flight swim from the prison in which we languished until my idiotic brother opened some brain windows and managed to get us out.
However, I hate to leave you with the thought that your uncle Scaligar the CENSORED is clever. Nothing of the sort, sport. would a clever Dragon enlist the aid of a posse of water toads to tow us through our escape route after hours of doggy paddling through obscure forms of seaweed. Perhaps, but hypothetically a clever Dragon could not organize a coup against the friendly amphibians and took over their moist HQ.

Book Two Letter Fifty-Four

Behold, Semithino's last letter in Book Two of The Draconian Letters. Strap in for the craziest ride of your life (well, maybe the second craziest, but did that rollercoaster have turtle witches?)

Read on!

My Dearest Nephew,

First off allow me to give you some good general advice and tell you to never ever accept a ride from a Gryphon and ESPECIALLY not a Hungarian Gryphon. With that out of the way I’ll backtrack a bit to my part of the story your uncle Scaligar so viciously cut off.
So if I am correct he simply ended his recounting of my entrance at the point where he fled from the prison guards and dove into the sea to escape recapture by the authorities. The battle went on quite a bit longer than this but first allow me to backtrack further to the time to the point where I first started to need to ride the Gryphon for transportation.

Weekly Draconian: 9.3.14. Issue #5.

We at the blog are professional procrastinators. Well, we aren't. We don't get paid to procrastinate. But if we did, we would be rolling in moolah. Maybe we should make this series the Monthly Draconian, you may be thinking in that sarcastic little head of yours. Ah, we respond, but what fun would that be? No, we have a perfectly planned plot point for that! Read on to find out why these weekly editorials have been absent.

Gigantic Breakout at Exilius Regional Penitentiary

Tuesday, September 2, 2014


As per the translation above, we have a great annunciation to unveil, concerning mainly tomorrow's post schedule, which shall carry a package known to us as the D-D-C, or Draconian Depth-Charge...
(Cue Jaws theme...)
(Cue Beethoven 5th intro...)

Dun, dun, DUUUUN!!!
Tomorrow shall be the Last Day of The Draconian Letters!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted at pinpointed times, each uncle shall be revealing their Final Letter. Each post shall be surrounded by many weeping mourners, primarily of the reptile family; and the final publication of the year's newest posts, The Weekly Draconian...


P.S. Coming November 1st...Water Under the Bridge