Article by Rip Van Wheelzoff
Yesterday afternoon, a suspicious character by the name of Yankee Doodle rode into town on a donkey, heralding the beginning of a day of carnage for the inhabitants of the city into which he rode on a donkey as a herald of chaos to the law-abiding citizens of the area who saw him enter the area on a donkey with a shifty look that marked him as bad news.
Dandy proceeded to enter the nearest pet-store and buy several dozen large birds, paying up front in cash. He then plucked every one of these birds, placed the feathers one at a time in his hat and transformed them into small, vicious monkeys.
There followed the heralded day of carnage as Doodle led the legion of monkeys (who were subject to his every whim by telepathic connection) to bleed the town dry of all valuables. The primate thugs ransacked the town led by the malicious dictatorship of Dandy who urged them on to greater mischief which included but was not limited to burgling every house, office building, hotel and gas station for miles, robbing the town’s only bank and holding the patrons hostage in the vaults.
This done, they moved on to demolish several blocks of buildings to make room for a palace for their king, Dandy.
Fortunately, the authorities managed to lure the dictator’s donkey steed into a trap with several bushels of thistles and wheat and by doing so, captured its rider. Dandy was forced to call off his army’s attack on the town and was led into the police office with his monkey minions shackled in a mile long line behind him, singing “Swing low, Sweet Chariot” to anyone who would listen.
In answer to an agent of the press’s question of why he had made this attack on the townsfolk, Dandy replied, “well, what would you have done in my position? I have the power to turn feathers into monkeys that do whatever I tell them! I wasn’t going to waste it on helping people for crying out loud.”
The police have since gone over criminal records kept by neighboring towns and found that Dandy has attacked several other settlements in similar manners, building up a sizable fortune in stolen cash. He had not built a palace for himself in any of these towns, them being too small, but had overthrown all forms of government and justice in them with the help of his Simian horde.
Now that the overlord is captured, it is safe for repairs to be made to these demolished towns and they are being carried out even now.
Three days after his arrest, the man known as Yankee Doodle Dandy was tried in the county courthouse and convicted on several counts, robbery, destruction of property, littering etc. He was sentenced to life in prison until further notice.