Friday, August 31, 2012

Letter Thirty-Five

This is the real thing.


I have heard of late that your two conniving cunivinn uncles have sent letters latturs that cover me over with jibes and insults. It is just like them to take advantage addvantuj of me while imprisoned through false workings (likely to be the work of you idiot relative Scaligar skailigurr) in this stinking hovel of a residence.
I assure you once again agann I am NOT insane, your twin barf bags of uncles’ anklls are just trying to undermine ungdermyne HOW IS YOU BUTTERFLY? IS IT NICE AND PINK OR BAD AND YELLOWL my stature in the dragonish draggnich courts.
I can see why they are attempting this folly folie. Their stature is quite laughable compared to my esteemed place.
Now, continuing with your mentoring munterrinn.
First, continue konttynew chewing large bones of your kills, especially toe and/or finger joints, which make excellent flossies.
Second, I demand you stomp out this immature benevolent bunevoulant phase and come back to treading the rightful path, RRRRRRRRRRRRRRAMPAGING!!!!!
Eat them all! Kill Them All! Hoard them all! That’s MY motto mottttue. Though I once tried it on a bet with unsavory results.
Thirdly, you must at once purchase Ferret Bile Mouth Freshener and have huvvv it EVERY morning before you go on rampage. It is the best for breathing in the faces of damsels damnzuls in distress. You wouldn’t BELIEVE the screaming. It makes my heart lighter even thinking about it.
Fourthly, you must avoid Flight Lag, a well-known ailment alminnt that strikes young dragons frequently and painfully. It has many effects, including iynklewding retching, stomach stumak aches, uncomfortable flatulence flatalenzz and cramps. So to avoid this side effect you must marinate one of your severed toes in vinegar in a solid silver cauldron kuldrung at the night of the half moon while beating on conga drums, whistling the Drake National Anthem and squashing ten and a half frogs.
Daunting donntingg though it may be, to make it work strongly it would be best to also ten seconds afterward avterword don a cloak of canary feathers, boil a pot of eel spleens and dingo beaks and then eat them, perfect cure. Works EVERY TIME!   
Oh, by the by! Have you EVER met my mie good friend Blizzdiblundikuss Flyseencompast? He is the best pal. I share my cell with him. Though I didn’t notice him until my third day, he just seemed to pop out at me. He hye and I have long conversations converzashuns except he keeps a strangely stony and rock hard silence. He also has a beautiful beeutyfol pattern on his wings that look exactly like the cracks on our walls walzz.
Your STILL DEFINITELY NOT AILING FROM THAT BLIGGADIGADASH THING, awesome, powerful, all-powerful, power draining, Incredible, fearful, ferocious, terrible, fear inducing, imposing, omnipotent, clear minded, outspoken, infamous, wel speld, overbearing, great, clairvoyant, humble and modest uncle