Sunday Fiasco: Hippogriff Herd Blitzkrieg's Helpless Town

Terror (which is a vital ingredient in a good fiasco) struck the town of WeeluvTarur in the county of YezouiDo early yesterday morning when a massive contingent of Hippogriffs flew over the market square and without warning began to bombard the citizens with their own...natural projectiles.

The town's guard was no match for the smelly carpet bombing, and fled inside, while several were struck and have been marked down DIA (Defiled In Action).

After several passes over the square, each one with another bowl full of spite, the armada of intestinally malevolent Hippogriffs split into close flying groups and spread throughout the town, pinpointing fleeing towns and...depositing destruction upon them.

Eventually, the town's executives gave in to the invaders and held up a white bib in surrender.

Soon after the Hippogriff conquerors had taken hold of the town, a battalion of military pixies entered the town with intent to oust the invaders and hopefully wash up.

Taken by surprise in the town square as they refilled their weaponized stomachs, the Hippogriffs only barely managed to rebuff the pixie forces, who all wore body armor and gas masks to counteract their weapons.

Forcing the pixie's forces out of the town and into the surrounding fields, the Hippogriff herd took to the air, but fortuneately for the liberators their bowels ere not yet full with deadly missiles, and the superior maneuverability of the pixie forces soon told.
After the Hippogriffs were arrested and hoof-cuffed, they were transported to holding cells in the Rocky Pocky Mountains, the only jail facility with restrooms strong enough to cope with the new inmates.
Several of the Fiasco's best reporters interviewed some of the survivors in WeeluvTarur, who mostly gagged about the smell, but also gave several insights into the reasons for the Hippogriffs aerial invasion.
The most popular was that "They w's j'st crazy(cough, cough)!", along with the possibility that "They'm wanted owr food, like (cough, gag)!"
We are unsure for the moment to the exact motive of the destructive invasion, but we are quite sure that it was a smashing good fiasco.

Written by Eddie von Porto'Pot and Edited by Butthurst Stinkenzout

Water Under the Bridge Letter 5

Lout,

I gather from your reply to my first letter that your parents disapprove of my missive born education for your advancement in social inadequacy.

          Well, Lout, I think your parents’ distrust of my qualifications is a sham for something deeper. My relationship with Mingo and Droodida has always been unhealthily friendly.

          As trollmutts Mingo and I and our brother Dingo were inseparable for a short time due to a glue gun malfunction. But after that Dingo was a good brother, giving out wedgies and dropping mud on us as often as possible, he was a true troll.

          But I’m sad to say Lout, that your father was unusual bad as a child. He was never a bully at school, and even when the Skool children begged him to shove their heads down toilets; he only gave them severe wet willies.

          And he was always nice to me! I couldn’t understand it. As the youngest, I was the stereotypical punching back, for stench’s sake! Everyone else was good! They kicked, slapped and hung me over deep wells! But he only ever set fire to my bed, by mistake too!

          Sorry Lout, I’m always a bit traumatized when I remember. But you must realize why Mingo does not want me as a contact, it reminds him of his child where he failed to be a true delinquent!

          I will be the first to say that he improved later in life, far exceeding the exploits of Dingo who unfortunately got eaten in Australia due to a misunderstanding, but his childhood is still stained by that slight good nature.

          So I have decided to begin contacting you in secret, my nephew, so not to upset your parents any further.

          Now my messenger pigeon shall only fly at night, in a lack leotard, and shall pretend to be shot down by arrows to confuse any surveillance just as it is reaching your swamp, and then spiral down limply through your window, landing in a perfect cartwheel that will send my letter spinning from its leg into your outstretched mitt.

          That procedure should be sufficient to debunk any suspicions that might have aroused by a normal pigeon.

          My quill is running low, and my castle’s getting nearer to a town with a good ink factory. Do you want anything Lout? Send a quick pigeon and I might be able to steal something appropriate.

          But I must go now,

          Your affectionate and only uncle,

          Bingo Gobspit

          P.S. I’ll get to my unfortunate involvement with your mother next time.

          Pee-Pee. S. Do you like Spearmint Gum? I’ve just raided a merchant ship found a sunken treasure ship, and it’s got a massive store of the stuff. I’ve enclosed some, just in case. Forgive the sogginess.

K9 Experiments Go Horribly Wrong...

(Cue Suspenseful Backing Track)

Over the last hundred years, dog breeders, corrupt organizations like PetSmart, and sadistic money seeking tycoons have merged the DNA of many a mutt so to create amorphous creatures that will perfectly satisfy the populace.

But they went to far lately (cue Jaws theme), and created a batch of dog breeds so terrible and twisted that they were hidden away in a secret government facility. This list is the only remaining log of those unholy creations.

So, yeah, enjoy.

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Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up easy for transporting

Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up alot

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, not a popular dog with CIA agents

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Water Under the Bridge Letter 4

Lout, Lout, Lout,
I take it as a sign of goodwill that you did not tell your mother about our correspondence. Keep it that way.
In your most recent (and only, so far) letter to me, you mentioned receiving letters from two other "uncles." Please assure me that you will not listen to their advice. They are not really your uncles. In fact, those letters are most likely part of a scam. "Honest" Bingo Gobspit is no relation of ours, and this Ferkyle Gruntbutt just seems like a very unsavory character, who's probably been elected Cleanest Troll of the Year at least twice. As you can see, you should not trust either of them.
Scam artists are a bad bunch!
-Your real uncle,
Ferdy Snotdrop

P.S. The answer to Question #3 is 187. You're welcome.

8th Riddling Derby Results and Rewards

The battlefield of riddles has quieted, overheated cerebral cortex's have cooled, so now let's PAAAR-TAAAY!

Actually, we're going to announce the latest winner and champion of the 8th Riddling Derby of 2014! Lets look through the answers and tally the points...

Riddle 1.0 (worth 1 point). Mom and dad have four daughter, every daughter has one brother, how many people are in the family?

Solution. 7, 2 parents, 1 brother and 4 sisters.

Solver(s). Sarah and Dmitri Pendragon

Riddle 2.0 (worth 1 point). Take away the whole and some still remains. What is it?

Solution. wholesome.

Solver(s). Dmitri Pendragon and Sarah

Riddle 3.0 (worth 1 point). There are three stoves, a glass stove, a brick stone and a wood stove, but you only have one match. Which do you light first?

Solution. The match.

Solver(s). Sarah and Dmitri Pendragon

Bonus Riddle (worth 2 points). Two cops walked into a room with now windows and found a dead man who had obviously hung himself from the ceiling, though they could not figure out how. There was no chair or table beneath him to conclude he might have used them to hang himself. They just found a puddle of water, how did the man hang himself?

Solution. The man stood on a block of ice.
Solver(s). Dmitri Pendragon


The points and final results are as follows.

Dmitri Pendragon

WINNER!

Points. 5

Sarah

Points. 3

Congratulations Dmitri, you have kept your title as Reigning Champion in the Hall of Riddles, and now for the award that goes beyond the Hall's boundaries!

As today's champion, you have two choices for prizes.

#1. you get to name the subject of an entire post we must publish on the blog.

or

#2. You get to name the creatures featured in our closest Weekend Disaster Post or Sunday Fiasco posts.

Choose wisely.

And great work Sarah! It was almost a tie but Dmitri got to the Bonus Riddle first. But its all good, right? Please don't TP our blog...please...

Too bad for all you others who didn't get a chance at the Riddling Crown! Tune in next week for another Riddling Derby!

Book of the Week Nov. 15 2014 and RIDDLING DERBY!

Are you all watching? Are you all reading? Yes you are!

Welcome back to the Wyvern's Den! Yet again, readers, we at the blog will be fusing two of our attractions into one, but with something else in the mix!

Whoever is victorious in our newest Riddling Derby will get to choose next week's Book of the Week! And something else too....bwaahahaa...

So without further ado, allow me to introduce the 8TH RIDDLING DERBY OF 2014!

______________________________________________________________

The rules, as always, are simple.

Three riddles of intense difficulty shall be posted below.

You followers and visitors alike shall battle like gladiators with your brains to figure the riddles out before the time limit elapses.

One point will be awarded for every riddle solved correctly.

The Bonus Riddle at the end is worth two points if solved.

All guesses should be inscribed in the comment box below, we authors are very against blog graffiti.

The Riddling Derby Results shall be posted on Tuesday the 18th, at which time all guessing, voting, and stimulating war dancing shall cease.

As our Reigning Champion of the Hall of Riddlers, Dmitri Pendragon should wait exactly one hour, forty five minutes and fifteen and one half seconds before joining the fray, giving the other solvers a chance at the riddling crown.

Let the games begin!

Riddle 1.0: Mom and dad have four daughters, each daughter has one brother, how many people are in the family?

Riddle 2.0: Take away the whole and some still remains. What is it?

Riddle 3.0: There are three stoves, a glass stove, a brick stove and a wood stove, but you only have one match. Which do you light first?

BONUS RIDDLE: Two cops walked into a room with no windows and found a dead man who obviously hung himself from the ceiling, though they could not figure out how. There was no chair or table beneath him to conclude he might have used it to hang himself. They just found a puddle of water. how did the man hang himself?

Comment below with your answers!
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Book of the Week

Peter and the Starcatchers by Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson
Category: YA
Genre: Fantasy
Series:  Peter and the Starcatchers Book 1

The brilliant reinvention of the tale of Peter Pan and Neverland, Dave Barry mixes his perfect comedy with Pearson's writing skills into a perfect mix.
Peter is an orphan who has been taken aboard the ship Neverland, along with his fellow orphans, their destination uncertain. Soon Peter becomes suspicious of the mysterious cargo that the ships holds, which is guarded in an old shabby trunk.
He soon becomes in league with another passenger, young Molly Aster, who has realized the true properties of the trunk, which was meant to be somewhere else.
High adventure on the sea turns into a shipwreck on Mollusk island after the notorious pirate Black Stash makes a move for the treasure.
Hostile natives and a giant crocodile, magic trunks and lost orphans turns Peter and the Starcatchers into a guaranteed must read. You seriously, must read it.
Go. Go read the whole series.
Now.
GO!

                                                 

Letter Three!

Title says it all.
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My young friend,

It’s me, your uncle. If you didn’t know that you had an uncle, then that’s fine. Until very lately, I didn’t know that I had a nephew. And don’t be all indignant at that, I just had a long relapse into the land of not checking my mail.

Anyway, moving on past that point, if my calculations are correct, then you should be nearing your coming of age and the day when you move out of the family cave and make a home for yourself. At this important junction in your life I have decided to enter in and take a hand in the direction your life is moving in. It’s my job to make sure that you make the right choices here, which to a certain extent means not listening to your other uncles as I’m sure that they will start writing to you as well right about now.

Be warned, nephew! They are only trying to bring you down the wrong path in life! They’re like that shadowy Troll on the corner of the street who tells you to come down the alley with him!! If you know not to go with him then we’re on the same page here. If you don’t, well then, I have more to teach you than I originally thought I did.

Your uncles have no idea about what the right choice is, trust me. They will send your life into a nosedive from which there will be no escape! When their letters arrive, burn them! And then hide the ashes somewhere! Better just throw them off a cliff in a bag actually, yes, throw them off a cliff!

Anyway, I wish I could go more into this, but there’s a trio of hippy Billy-goats knocking on the top of my bridge calling for a fight again. Must go do something about this again. The neighborhood watch cares if a few herds of sheep go missing, but when a law-abiding Troll is being harassed by Billy-goats, nothing happens!

Ah well, I suppose I can’t do anything. I’ll just get my club and handle business like I always have.

I hope to write to you again soon little nephew and help you with your important life choices, but don’t count on it, these goats sometimes make it hard for me to write, or indeed read, my mail sometimes.

Until the next time then,

Your uncle,

-Ferkil Gruntsnort

The Sunday Fiasco: Mysterious Deadly Disease Has Absolutely No Effect

Early last night, a baffling ailment appeared and did not ravage the entire populace of the small river town of Aquaugugugug. Our top journalists investigated further.

The first manifestation of this disease appeared in clouds of murky green mist, which undoubtedly carried a dangerous virus, which was most likely deadly to all it touched. Contrary to this hypothesis, no one has comedown with anything upon contact with the strange, most likely deadly fog.

Next, the town's resident malady began to spread, enveloping entire houses in the terrible mist that did diddly squat in the way of spreading death and disease, however we believe it did clear out the sinuses of a particularly bad cold patient, this disease is evidently sentient, and is attempting to fool the townsfolk into a false sense of well being.

The increasingly dangerous contagion then began to spread to the neighboring town of  Zaquaugugugug, where it did pretty much nothing but swirl and creep in the atmosphere. Our investigators are now certain of its nefarious purposes, no other sickness carrier has ever done nothing so convincingly. The danger of the green clouds has surely doubled in its current hyper-intelligent state.

The Fiasco urges all inhabitants of the afflicted towns to stay indoors, except if you have a stuffed esophagus, and pray that the terrible, evil, and completely-harmless-for-the-moment clouds do not mount a movement that is actually dangerous.
What a fiasco!

(For more articles on mystery afflictions and strange waterside happenings, see pages 4B-4C)

Written and Researched by Gully Bull LX and Edited by Blynde Tothee'Obveeus XV

Book of the Week, Nov. 8th 2014

AND now, readers, viewers and people who look at this page but have no clue what it says because their German, the latest Book of the Week!

Half Moon Investigations

By Eoin Colfer

A standalone novel which stars Fletcher 'Half Moon' Moon as the adolescent aspiring P.I. in an Irish county which seems perfectly normal. Until he is drawn into a mystery that will bring him an unlikely partnership with the notorious Red Sharky and his criminal family, a mysterious giant, and a Barby doll 5th Grader who will stop at nothing.

Both thrilling and funny, Half Moon Investigations is the number one book to read...this week.

Category: YA

Genre: Mystery

Series: None so far. Standalone, don't you see.

Water Under the Bridge's Letter 2

The second letter ever to be shoehorned from the world of troll's, gruff billy goats and floating river castles; ladies and gentlemen...

LETTER TWOOO!!!

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Lout,

As a household contractor troll, over the years I have learned the right time for everything. The right time to abduct a hot rolls stand is when the proprietor has been clouted by a sandbag, for instance. The right time to invade a riverside village, pillage, plunder and buy their land at lowered tax rates is after extended siege and aerial bombardment.

            The list carries on Lout, but the most important time for you seems to be upon you. Your adolescent years, when your tender childhood of rule flouting grows into fully fledged disobedience!

          This is a delicate and all-important phase of your rise into adulthood, and we must work hard to retain your immaturity throughout your life, or you shall not succeed in it!

          Take me for example, a strapping troll with no great failing, stringent modesty and a successful home contractor and river pirate!

          My contact will be indispensible to your growing body and mind, and I shall take pride in over lording your entire life.

          Perhaps you’re wondering why such a troll as myself has never contacted you before, besides that condolence card filled with termites after you broke your toe last year.

          Well Lout, I travel a lot, what with my home being a floating castle, I get round, going many places to look at new lands for development and avoiding ornery pitchfork mobs.

          But now I’ve drifted your way, and just in time too, it seems. It appears that I am your only remaining uncle and objective life instructor, your others having died off long ago from strange causes.

          Old Ebenezer who thought mine shafts were portals to other worlds, your uncle Minto Funkmiester who was bitten by a spider and died of shame because it didn’t give him superpowers…and even your grand-uncle Beelzum Bumbust didn’t do a day in jail and was disowned by the family.

          As to the rumors and gossip that have come about concerning that lout (forgive the expression) Ferkil Gruntsnort’s supposed relation to you, they are only rumors.

          I am your only remaining uncle! Your advancement into illegitimate life can only flourish with a true veteran to teach it.

          Now, first we should find out what basic petty skills you possess or should gain.

          Loitering and Lollygagging: Always a good fallback for any day of objective uselessness, though if possible you should do it at school to increase your social standing.

          Chore Avoidance: I have heard from your mother that you are acing this requirement, and I hear your excuses for not taking out the trash cauldron are second to none.

          Bullying: Sadly you seem to be very lax in this ultra-important part of your personal evolvement, I have even read a report from your school including the fact that several schoolmates waved at you without you giving them wedgies.

          Overall Filth and BO: Every troll must have his own personal gut wrenching smell, and none should be seen in public without several layers of muck on them, call me a traditionalist.

          Disgusting Habits: Pick your nose Lout! For goodness sakes! This is possibly the most important skill a young troll can possess, and you must rise to the requirement! Armpit noises seem to be the rage at the moment, though I believe you should invest in ill timed farts, as they will soon come back into style.

          I think we will leave it at that for now Lout, I should give you some time to absorb and adapt, wouldn't like to overcrowd you too soon.

          Just a few last pieces of everyday advice. Ferkil is not your uncle, it’s the truth. If he tries to convince you with immoral papers and stuff, burn them to cinders and slam the weeds in his face.

Also, forget to brush your teeth every morning, let loose toads into your parents’ bedcave at strategic times, and always, always avoid goats with siblings.

          Until your reply I remain your affectionate uncle,

          “Honest” Bingo Gobspit

Book of the Week: November 2nd, 2014

Love to read? So do we. Our Book of the Week list consists of our favorite books, ranging from the classics to less known modern works. Read more to find out what this week's top pick is.

Water Under the Bridge: Letter One

Welcome, various and sundry readers, to Iron Wyvern, where we have before us a momentous occasion: the introduction of our new series of letters, Water Under the Bridge!
Narrated by three trolls to their adolescent nephew Lout, Water Under the Bridge is what critics* call "a cutting-edge masterpiece" and "a series to rival The Draconian Letters."
So, without further ado, we present to you: LETTER ONE!

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Lout, Lout, Lout,
I have taken it upon myself to advise you. You are still a young troll, but you are growing faster than I had anticipated. So I must take it upon myself to guide you in your journey through life. I am, after all, a relative of your mother, (actually I am her brother, though she might claim otherwise. She disowned me when she was seven).
Anyway, on to the mentoring. You are growing into adult trollhood, Lout.
A word of advice: RESIST.
Here are my three commandments to you, based on my past experiences:
1. Take on as little responsibility as possible.
2. Do whatever you want.
3. NEVER BUY AN ENCHANTED TOADSTOOL FROM AN OGRE NAMED TED AT FULL PRICE!!!!!!
That last one is the most important. Don’t ask, Lout; just trust. Anyway, one of the most important things you need to know as you grow into an irresponsible adult: your heritage. Trollkind is one of the most refined of all the Faerie cultures. Of course there are the famous examples, i.e., Skomas Noseyrun (inventor of the Faerie lamp) and Ollivandar Lamb Smell (inventor of the scrying stone). However, who would forget the great musical masterminds, The Beetles? And yes, the rumors are true; Ringo was not a troll, but a dwarf, but that does not discount the whole band. And what about the great writer, G.R.R. Trolkien? I’m just saying, there’s more to troll history than meets the eye.
But anyway, don’t study your heritage too long. A good troll will have a certain amount of disrespect for his forefathers. For example, it is troll custom to spit, defecate, and/or dance on the graves of our elders whom we didn’t like very much growing up.
Anyway, I’m running out of parchment, Lout; but one last request. Please don’t tell your mother I’m writing to you. She may get angry, and we all know what happens when your mother gets angry. She would kill me if she found out I was in correspondence with you. Anyway, till the next time,
Ferdy Snotdrop

P.S. Mail me anything you have questions about in your youthful life. I’ll write back with answers to your math homework advice.

______
*Disclaimer: these critics may or may not exist in this dimension.

The Weekly Draconian, 10.29.14. Issue #8.

Frostuay in Unexpected Heat Wave

Columnist: Glen Greenscale

Editor: Krala the Terror

The province of Frostuay has been experiencing one of the hottest seasons in its history. Temperatures began to climb late last month, and have only continued to climb as this month has progressed. Today, the record has been broken for hottest temperatures in the province, with the southern edge of the normally freezing region recording temperatures of 39°F early this morning.

Local officials have issued a heat warning to all dragons in the province, and the avalanche alert level has been increased to Critical. Skiers have been advised not to go until temperatures drop once again, and several dragons who had been content living in caves embedded in the mountains have had to be evacuated due to concern for avalanches blocking their cave mouths and trapping them.

Reekus the Unwashed is one of those dragons who has been evacuated. He says that the evacuation decision was a bad idea. 

"[The officials] are forgetting that dragons can breathe fire! Whoever decided [evacuation] was a good plan, they sure are stupid."

Reporting for The Weekly Draconian,

-Glen Greenscale

Concerning NaNoWriMo (& the Blog in General)

Welcome, readers, to Iron Wyvern! You may have noticed that it is October. You may also have noticed that it will soon be...November.
Which happens to be National Novel Writing Month (x).
We three scribblers have all scrivened some scratch in the past for this event, but this year we have not really done anything (excluding J's failed attempt to complete a novel in July).
But for November 2014, two of us, J and Z respectively, have decided to embark upon the monthlong, 50,000-word adventure that is NaNoWriMo.
We also invite you to join us! Sign up at their website and get started November 1st.

J will be writing a mystery novel set in current-day Los Angeles.
Z will be rewriting a steampunk/fantasy adventure set in an entirely different world.

And, don't forget, on November 1st, the long-anticipated Water Under the Bridge will begin! We will be posting two letters a week until the end of Book One.

The Draconian Letters: Book Three is scheduled to start sometime in the late summer/early fall of 2015.
Anyway, good luck, WriMos! See you at the finish line!

-JTZ Baner

A Post Primarily Pertaining Powerful Prose and Paramount....P-information

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello! And we're back in the Wyvern's Den! So, lets get started with the pinformation.

You may say to yourself, 'they're great (really incredibly awesome, really. Really), they can write like schizophrenic Dragons and sometimes even like everyday human procrastinators (that's skill).....'

'BUT CAN THEY WRITE LIKE TROLLS?!'

The answer is YES! And we shall demonstrate in glorious Blu-ray and extended bonus features in five days time! On November 1st we shall unveil, reveal, enlighten and otherwise sell the screenplay of our newest alliterative project...

Water Under the Bridge!

Yet another three close relations shall bombard an innocent child with all sorts of advice, life lessons, and mind melting plot twists, war stories, and all that sort of thing.

The plan for the deployment of each letter will be twice a week, while our other posts shall continue to be thrown in, including some all new trollkind benefiting features.

Our Trollish characters, Bingo, Ferdy and Ferkil shall soon blow your mind! And please, I beg of you, just this once (sob), enjoy it...

Comment with your suggestions for changes to the blog concerning Water Under The Bridge. Anything goes, and don't forget,

Մի լինել կոռեկտ, դա վատ է ձեզ համար

The Weekly Draconian, 10/8/14. Issue #7.

Abandoned Theme Park Purchased By Multibillionaire

Columnist: Glen Greenscale

Editor: Krala the Terror

Authorities have it that the multibillionaire draconian legend, Belligast the Boldest, has recently purchased an abandoned themepark in North Yovi.

Deemed too dangerous for public use, Mirakulus the Mad's Flying Carnival Themepark was shut down over eight years ago after a frenzied lawsuit filed by soccer dragons in fear for their hatchlings' safety. Since then, the abandoned complex has been neglected and fallen into serious disrepair. About four years ago, however, the property was repurchased by Erilikk the Mistaken, a young real estate agent, who hoped it could eventually turn a profit.

7 Ways to Avoid Writer's Block

Welcome to the Wyvern's Den, readers. Please take the complimentary cheese puffs we've set out for you.
As you munch your complimentary cheese puff, we will give you some (also complimentary) advice.
Every writer has encountered the deadly foe known as Writer's Block before. Writer's Block is a terrible and lethal beast that can kill your writing before you ever even write it.
Which is bad. And especially with NaNoWriMo coming up! (link)

National Novel Writing Month is an especially bad time of year to get writer's block. So here are a few tips on how to work past it. These are pooled both from the depths of the internet and from personal experience.

1. If you write on a computer, turn off the internet.

Many people find themselves easily wandering into the distractions of Youtube and other social media, or perhaps playing games online. This is really bad for your unwritten novel! So, simple solution: turn off the internet. Many word processors do not even use the internet, such as Microsoft Word or Scrivener. However, even the ones that do, such as Google Drive, usually have an offline mode. And if you're ever tempted to simply switch the internet back on, there are productivity programs such as Freedom (link), which temporarily disable the internet for the specified amount of time.

2. Change the scenery.

Do you write in your room all the time? Take your writing outside. Find some shade in the backyard and work. Or you could drive to a coffee shop and work there. Bookstores and libraries are also good choices, because they offer a more quiet and soothing environment, and there are reference books all around you, without the distractions of social media! Wherever you go, it's always good to be in a different environment. It helps refresh your mind so you can keep pounding out words.

3. Listen to music? Try changing it up.

If you listen to music while you write, it may be distracting you. Your brain is constantly absorbing everything that's happening, so it's good sometimes to turn off all sound around you. Another helpful thing to do is to switch to something non-lyrical. Lyrics especially distract our brains. Soundtrack or atmospheric music are a good idea too.

4. Remove all distractions from your environment.

Going back to #1 and #2, if moving to someplace else isn't an option, you can try to remove all distractions from your environment. For example, if your family members keep barging into your space during writing time, forcibly evict them with all the fury of Cthulhu work with them to establish when they can't come into your room. If your TV is there, turn it off or even move it out. If your room is messy and you can't think with all that clutter, clean it and then get back to writing.

5. Take breaks.

This may seem counterintuitive, but breaks help you write. Referring back to #4, taking a break to clean your room can actually help you. If you've spent the last hour writing, it's good to go outside for fifteen minutes. Either relax or occupy yourself with a chore, like doing dishes or cleaning. It helps.

6. Get enough rest.

Another reason you might not be finding enough inspiration is if you aren't getting enough sleep at night. Try to enforce a strict bedtime. Going to bed at midnight every single night will tire your brain and become a detriment to your work. Adjust your sleep schedule so that you go to bed earlier, and your mind will be fresher when it's time to write.

7. Establish a routine.

Write every day. Write for the same amount of time. And write at the same time of day. Our brains love routine. If you do the same thing every day, your brain remembers it and builds up myelin, which strengthens your neural networks. Routine literally grows your brain. You strengthen your memory, work more efficiently, and learn faster when you have a routine. You become a better writer.

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So there you have it! 7 tips for combating writer's block. This can apply to any activity, really, from playing a musical instrument to practicing sports.

7th Riddling Derby RESULTS & Book of the Week

Well, readers, sorry.

Let's all take a moment to sigh at the incredible procrastinatorial talent of JTZ Baner.
We have left the blog forgotten, yet again.

But not to worry, we're back in business!

RIDDLING DERBY RESULTS:

2014 Riddling Derby No. 7

Welcome to Iron Wyvern! Today is the beginning of the Seventh Riddling Derby of 2014! Defending champion: Dmitri Pendragon. Who will challenge his title?

EDIT: We're sorry there was no Book of the Week post on Saturday; there was a slight mixup in the choice of novel. This week we'll be back on schedule.

Each of the first three riddles are worth one point, and the last one is worth two. Please honor the other contestants and don't use the internet, of course. That would be cheating.

If there is a tie, we will try to get hold of the contestants for a riddle-off tiebreaker. If that cannot be arranged, we will simply induct both of them into the Hall of Riddlers simultaneously.

All right, you know the rules, let's get started!

Riddle #1: You can easily touch me, but not easily see me. You can throw me out, but not away.

What am I?

Riddle #2: What heavy seven letter word can you take two from and be left with eight?

Riddle #3: If a farmer has 5 chickens, two horses, and his wife on his farm, how many feet are on his farm? (nobody's disabled, too, so don't worry about that)

Bonus Riddle: What is 40 divided by 1/2, plus 15?

Comment below with your answers, suggestions, thoughts, love letters, etc. Comments will be moderated, so don't worry about letting other contestants know the answers.

The Weekly Draconian, 9.10.14. Issue #6

We may have finished Book Two of TDL, but TWD will continue (The Weekly Draconian, not The Walking Dead, for those of you who watch way too much Netflix). After all, there are several happenings in the draconian lands, despite the three uncles' respective departures.
Without further ado, here is the 6th installment in The Weekly Draconian!

Police Recapture 6 Inmates in Aolia; Dangerous Convict Found Dead
Columnist: Glen Greenscale
Editor: Krala the Terror

Book of the Week: September 6th, 2014

AND here's the newest post for the day, though that might change if you read this in a few days under the weight of several other posts, so always read this one first.

Right, now that we've got a plan, lets cut right to the chase and stride straight into our latest BOOK OF THE WEEK!

King Solomon's Mines

by H. Rider Haggard

Genre: Fiction & Adventure

Category: Flippin'. Awesome. Book. 'Nuff. Said.

Series: Book 1, Allan Quatermain.

If you've seen The League of Extraordinary Gentleman you've heard of him. Allan Quatermain, the Indiana Jones of the Sahara. In this book Haggard sends him and two strange companions, a profane sea captain and a Danish man seeking his brother across an unknown desert in search of the Diamond Mines of King Solomon himself, protected by an undiscovered race, the Kukuanahs. Filled with the kind of suspense, comedy and adventure every book should have, Haggard manages to mix a civil war amidst the natives, a alpine race against time, and the culminating discovery of the greatest treasure ever discovered, all inside King Solomon's Mines...Which you should be reading right now.

Until next Saturday. Comment if you have a good suggestion for the next Book of the Week.

LAST LETTER! Book Two Letter Fifty-Six

BEHOLD, it is the end of The Draconian Letters Book Two! Savor the end. If you cry, we will be providing complimentary tissue boxes to your left, right, and/or front. In case of cabin decompression, gas masks will drop from the ceiling. If you have a child with you, please secure your own mask before helping them. In case of emergency, the seat cushions can be used as life rafts.

Anyway, here is the last letter of BOOK TWO, written by Scaligar.

Enjoy, and thank you for reading.

Don't forget to be here November 1st for the premiere of Water Under the Bridge, our newest series!

-JTZ Baner

My dear Smok,

It has come to my attention that in the aftermath of the gigantic debacle Semithino’s idiotic antics have caused, it may be best for me to lay low for a while. I left off in my last letter with my escape from that horrendous prison in which I was imprisoned. As an escaped convict, I had to deal with Trubodox’s underwater grunts and bubbles, which surely meant, “ARE WE THERE YET?!” to which I would reply with some Morse-code bursts meaning, “SHUT UP, I SHOULDN’T HAVE EVEN BROUGHT YOU WITH ME.”

Book Two Letter Fifty-Five

'Tis here, 'tis here! The second to last letter! The final missive from the claws of the Western, rampaging uncle! Kindly put your keyboards in the air for...Trubodox's Last!

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Dear Smok,

       Dragons are not meant to swim. I realized this shortly after our scale raising flight swim from the prison in which we languished until my idiotic brother opened some brain windows and managed to get us out.

However, I hate to leave you with the thought that your uncle Scaligar the CENSORED is clever. Nothing of the sort, sport. would a clever Dragon enlist the aid of a posse of water toads to tow us through our escape route after hours of doggy paddling through obscure forms of seaweed. Perhaps, but hypothetically a clever Dragon could not organize a coup against the friendly amphibians and took over their moist HQ.

Book Two Letter Fifty-Four

Behold, Semithino's last letter in Book Two of The Draconian Letters. Strap in for the craziest ride of your life (well, maybe the second craziest, but did that rollercoaster have turtle witches?)

Read on!
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My Dearest Nephew,

First off allow me to give you some good general advice and tell you to never ever accept a ride from a Gryphon and ESPECIALLY not a Hungarian Gryphon. With that out of the way I’ll backtrack a bit to my part of the story your uncle Scaligar so viciously cut off.

So if I am correct he simply ended his recounting of my entrance at the point where he fled from the prison guards and dove into the sea to escape recapture by the authorities. The battle went on quite a bit longer than this but first allow me to backtrack further to the time to the point where I first started to need to ride the Gryphon for transportation.

Weekly Draconian: 9.3.14. Issue #5.

We at the blog are professional procrastinators. Well, we aren't. We don't get paid to procrastinate. But if we did, we would be rolling in moolah. Maybe we should make this series the Monthly Draconian, you may be thinking in that sarcastic little head of yours. Ah, we respond, but what fun would that be? No, we have a perfectly planned plot point for that! Read on to find out why these weekly editorials have been absent.

Gigantic Breakout at Exilius Regional Penitentiary

ANNOUNCEMENT MAXIMA!!!!!!!

As per the translation above, we have a great annunciation to unveil, concerning mainly tomorrow's post schedule, which shall carry a package known to us as the D-D-C, or Draconian Depth-Charge...

(Cue Jaws theme...)

(Cue Beethoven 5th intro...)

Dun, dun, DUUUUN!!!

Tomorrow shall be the Last Day of The Draconian Letters!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted at pinpointed times, each uncle shall be revealing their Final Letter. Each post shall be surrounded by many weeping mourners, primarily of the reptile family; and the final publication of the year's newest posts, The Weekly Draconian...

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P.S. Coming November 1st...Water Under the Bridge

Book of the Week: August 30th, 2014

Here is the first installment in a new weekly series, Book of the Week! In which one of us gives a book suggestion, and you readers go and...well, read.* We may also include certain challenges referring to said books, depending on how many people comment with interest in our suggested reading.

In other announcements, The Draconian Letters will be coming to a close very soon, even within the next week perhaps, as we prepare our series Water Under the Bridge, coming out at the end of October. And, speaking of the end of October, feel free to tell us in the comments if you will participating in this year's NaNoWriMo event! One of us (hint: me [hint: J]) may possibly be joining up to write another novel. I'm not so sure about the other two.

Anyway, here we go!

BOOK OF THE WEEK: