Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Weekly Draconian: 9.3.14. Issue #5.

We at the blog are professional procrastinators. Well, we aren't. We don't get paid to procrastinate. But if we did, we would be rolling in moolah. Maybe we should make this series the Monthly Draconian, you may be thinking in that sarcastic little head of yours. Ah, we respond, but what fun would that be? No, we have a perfectly planned plot point for that! Read on to find out why these weekly editorials have been absent.

Gigantic Breakout at Exilius Regional Penitentiary
Columnist: Glen Greenscale
Editor: Krala the Terror

We're back! Everybody went out for coffee about a month ago and we forgot about our duties at The Weekly Draconian. Sorry about that. But anyway, here is the story of a lifetime, the one you've all been waiting for!!!!! This past week, a massive prison break occurred at the Exilius Regional Penitentiary. Over three hundred inmates escaped custody, sixteen guard dragons were injured, and the regional prison has been completely destroyed. Our sources tell us that around 8:30 on a Wednesday evening, a strange array of radioactive pineapples was scattered around Cell Block C. One of the inmates, with help from outside, must have hung them to occupy the guards, and then slipped out. This would not have been a big deal, if a gigantic horde of vampire bats had not come soaring in from the Southwest, led by the Easterner Semithino the Wise (whose status has now been downgraded to Semithino the Not-So-Wise), riding upon the back of a gryphon. A gigantic battle ensued, ending with summary destruction of all penitentiary facilities and the breakout of most of the convicted felons therein. All law enforcement has been summoned in order to contain the breakout, and all the Draconian Lands have been plunged by authorities into DefCon 6. The Provincial Guard has been deployed to find all of the escapees. Please, if you are reading this, DO NOT PICK UP HITCHHIKERS. STAY IN YOUR HOMES WITH CANNED FOODS AND STOCKPILED WEAPONS. HUDDLE DOWN IN YOUR NUCLEAR BOMB SHELTERS. THE END OF THE WORLD IS NIGH! PREPARE FOR THE DESTRUCTION OF EARTH RESULTING IN FALLOUT AND NUCLEAR WINTER! THE EEEND OF THE WOOOORLD!!!!!!!!!!!

-Reporting for The Weekly Draconian,
Glen Greenscale

No comments:

Post a Comment