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My young friend,
It’s me, your
uncle. If you didn’t know that you had an uncle, then that’s fine. Until very
lately, I didn’t know that I had a nephew. And don’t be all indignant at that,
I just had a long relapse into the land of not checking my mail.
Anyway, moving
on past that point, if my calculations are correct, then you should be nearing
your coming of age and the day when you move out of the family cave and make a
home for yourself. At this important junction in your life I have decided to
enter in and take a hand in the direction your life is moving in. It’s my job
to make sure that you make the right choices here, which to a certain extent
means not listening to your other uncles as I’m sure that they will start
writing to you as well right about now.
Be warned,
nephew! They are only trying to bring you down the wrong path in life! They’re
like that shadowy Troll on the corner of the street who tells you to come down
the alley with him!! If you know not to go with him then we’re on the same page
here. If you don’t, well then, I have more to teach you than I originally
thought I did.
Your uncles have
no idea about what the right choice is, trust me. They will send your life into
a nosedive from which there will be no escape! When their letters arrive, burn
them! And then hide the ashes somewhere! Better just throw them off a cliff in
a bag actually, yes, throw them off a cliff!
Anyway, I wish I
could go more into this, but there’s a trio of hippy Billy-goats knocking on
the top of my bridge calling for a fight again. Must go do something about this
again. The neighborhood watch cares if a few herds of sheep go missing, but
when a law-abiding Troll is being harassed by Billy-goats, nothing happens!
Ah well, I
suppose I can’t do anything. I’ll just get my club and handle business like I
always have.
I hope to write
to you again soon little nephew and help you with your important life choices,
but don’t count on it, these goats sometimes make it hard for me to write, or
indeed read, my mail sometimes.
Until the next
time then,
Your uncle,
-Ferkil Gruntsnort
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