LETTER TWOOO!!!
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Lout,
As a household contractor troll, over the years I have
learned the right time for everything. The right time to abduct a hot rolls
stand is when the proprietor has been clouted by a sandbag, for instance. The
right time to invade a riverside village, pillage, plunder and buy their land
at lowered tax rates is after extended siege and aerial bombardment.
The list
carries on Lout, but the most important time for you seems to be upon you. Your
adolescent years, when your tender childhood of rule flouting grows into fully
fledged
disobedience!
This is a
delicate and all-important phase of your rise into adulthood, and we must work
hard to retain your immaturity throughout your life, or you shall not succeed
in it!
Take me
for example, a strapping troll with no great failing, stringent modesty and a successful
home contractor and river pirate!
My contact
will be indispensible to your growing body and mind, and I shall take pride in over
lording your entire life.
Perhaps
you’re wondering why such a troll as myself has never contacted you before,
besides that condolence card filled with termites after you broke your toe last
year.
Well Lout,
I travel a lot, what with my home being a floating castle, I get round, going
many places to look at new lands for development and avoiding ornery pitchfork
mobs.
But now
I’ve drifted your way, and just in time too, it seems. It appears that I am
your only remaining uncle and objective life instructor, your others having died
off long ago from strange causes.
Old
Ebenezer who thought mine shafts were portals to other worlds, your uncle Minto
Funkmiester who was bitten by a spider and died of shame because it didn’t give
him superpowers…and even your grand-uncle Beelzum Bumbust didn’t do a day in
jail and was disowned by the family.
As to the
rumors and gossip that have come about concerning that lout (forgive the
expression) Ferkil Gruntsnort’s supposed relation to you, they are only rumors.
I am your
only remaining uncle! Your advancement into illegitimate life can only flourish
with a true veteran to teach it.
Now, first
we should find out what basic petty skills you possess or should gain.
Loitering
and Lollygagging: Always a good fallback for any day of objective uselessness,
though if possible you should do it at school to increase your social standing.
Chore
Avoidance: I have heard from your mother that you are acing this requirement,
and I hear your excuses for not taking out the trash cauldron are second to
none.
Bullying:
Sadly you seem to be very lax in this ultra-important part of your personal
evolvement, I have even read a report from your school including the fact that
several schoolmates waved at you without you giving them wedgies.
Overall
Filth and BO: Every troll must have his own personal gut wrenching smell, and
none should be seen in public without several layers of muck on them, call me a
traditionalist.
Disgusting
Habits: Pick your nose Lout! For goodness sakes! This is possibly the most
important skill a young troll can possess, and you must rise to the
requirement! Armpit noises seem to be the rage at the moment, though I believe
you should invest in ill timed farts, as they will soon come back into style.
I think we
will leave it at that for now Lout, I should give you some time to absorb and
adapt, wouldn't like to overcrowd you too soon.
Just a few
last pieces of everyday advice. Ferkil is not
your uncle, it’s the truth. If he tries to convince you with immoral papers and
stuff, burn them to cinders and slam the weeds in his face.
Also, forget to brush your teeth every
morning, let loose toads into your parents’ bedcave at strategic times, and
always, always avoid goats with siblings.
Until your
reply I remain your affectionate uncle,
“Honest” Bingo Gobspit
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