Exclusive Fantasy Interview: Vick Vurtle

JTZ: So, Vick Vurtle, when you called and scheduled this appointment I thought you were a turtle!

Vick: WHAT???!!!! I AM NOT A TURTLE!!!!! Would everyone please stop assuming that? I am a perfectly normal, calm, composed (and single, by the way) VULTURE!!!!!

JTZ: Well, uh, well, uh, well, uh, well, uh.... [clears throat] Well, uh, well, uh, well, uh, well, uh....

Vick: What? Cat gotcher tongues? I’m a vulture, now get on with it! Got any interview questions? Huh? Hurry up, I’m a busy bird!

JTZ: Oh, um, okay...what made you join up with the International Vulture Society?

Vick: Well, LET ME SEE....I’M A VULTURE, YOU IDIOTIC DOLTS!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF CARRION, CARRY ON!!!! I joined because I AM AN AVIAN SCAVENGER WITH A LOVE OF ALL MY VULTURE BROTHERS, AND YOU SHOULD HAVE PICKED UP ON THAT, MY FRIENDS!!!!

JTZ: Okay, Mr. Vurtle, we’re going to revoke your caps license.

Vick: Huh?

JTZ: We’re banning you from speaking in capital letters, Mr. Vurtle. You’re too boisterous.

Vick: Why, thank you. I pride myself on that.

JTZ: Okay, Mr. Vurtle...what is your favorite type of carrion, and why do you like it so much?

Vick: Well, I’ve always been a sucker for llama meat. When it’s gone nice and sour, with a reek like nothing you’ve ever smelt splitting the air... [sighs] Heavenly.

JTZ: Well, that’s...nice...next question! Would you consider yourself a statesman?

Vick: Of course! I love political thinking and take pride in the fact that I’ve voted for Head Vulture every election in the last thirty-six years! In fact, I’m going to be running in this next one. Vote for Vurtle; he’s no turtle! That’s my motto, see. Anyway, I am campaigning for Head Vulture this year. Unfortunately, you base ingrates cannot vote in the election, because you are so inferior you could not possibly be vultures, and anyway, you have to type the transcripts of your interviews and post them, so you’d have to have fingers to do that. I pity you. The life of a vulture is the greatest thing attainable.

JTZ: While we...eat llama? And sit on rocks being baked under the sun? And preen our disgusting feathers?

Vick: WHAT’D YOU SAY???!!!!

JTZ: Eh-hem, no caps, Vick. Now you have to speak in smaller font!

Vick: No fair! How dare you! I’m getting out of here while I still caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!