My Dearest Nephew,
Not to sound ungrateful to your uncle Scaligar for his rescue of me from my relatives, but they are now threatening legal battle against me on account of his hot-diggity-dog attack. However, I do not harbor many fears on this account as Gaertho is their family lawyer.
Anyways, on to other matters.
I shall not go into much detail on the subject of the fight your two uncles had outside my cave the other day but shall limit my commentary on the whole sorry affair to saying that my cave is currently undergoing remodeling thanks to it.
Now, I hear that your uncle Scaligar is advising you on paintings and such to interiorize your cave with. Don’t listen to him. While your uncle Scaligar may not be all that bad at battle strategies, he is woefully lacking in art and interior-decorating knowledge.
While I must agree with your uncle Scaligar’s choice of paintings (the Wanderwyrm series is quite amazing and you should try to collect them) don’t listen to the rest of his ideas. Décor should be influenced by water and stone, natural elements (don’t forget feng shuei)
A fountain and a pool of water in the main cave is very nice, along with a few lamps (sometimes floating on the water, extra bonus for effect) and pots of incense in the corners.
On the subject of your upcoming T.E.n.n.i.s rally, watch out for flying elbows, especially flaming ones, not uncommon in the t.e.n.n.i.s tournament. Also be careful of sinkholes, baseball bats to the knees and flaming fishing nets. If you have a problem with any of these weapons, stay out of the T.e.n.n.i.s tournament altogether.
Aside from these few matters, I do not think that there is anything else to discuss and I therefore bid you goodbye until my next letter.
-Your Humble Servant, mentor and uncle,
P.s. I almost forgot, Do you remember that goat mentioned in your uncle scaligar’s latest letter? the Ukrainian one? I have decided to adopt him. I originally tried to airlift him back to his home, but this Ukraine place is not on any map that I have ever seen or possessed and I therefore have been led to believe that it is either some faraway country, or a different world.
I find the goat most intelligent and artistically talented. I am at the moment in the process of watching him paint the possible sixth painting in the waderwyrm series. It is a masterpiece!