Friday, May 10, 2013

Book Two Letter Thirteen

Concerning matters of late I believe that the stereotype from hell would not be able to accomplish the explanation of the current situation between me and my brothers.
          Of late I have discovered the correspondence now running between Scaligar’s cave and Semithino’s battle-field (forgive me but from what I hear the word ‘cave’ no longer does that war zone justice) and also the plea for assistance from Semithino to Scaligar.
          I contemplated carrying out my plan of ‘unseen investigation’ on Semithino. But, thinking over thoroughly, running through the pros and cons of the situation, working out the victories and defeats that were estimated to happen, I decided not to go. See, when you make it sound scientific it doesn’t sound like you just don’t want to get mugged by a Drake butler armed with bananas and a brain akin with a crowbar.
          Well, anyway; on to more important matters. I have lately realized that your uncle Scaligar has blatantly oppressed my ingratiating requests to desist his incessant posturing, although some might call it mentoring, by sending you more advice on how to hone your skills as an aspiring Draconian terror.
          I advise you to liquidate those letters before they can imprint their foul mark upon a speck of gray matter. Hopefully this will discourage him from sending you anymore babbling missives. Also hopefully it will stop him from planting root explosives in my Zinnias.
          Anyway, on the subject of your uncle and mentoring, I have read his narrative on how to hone your fire breathing skills. BLOWING UNDER WATER?! Nonsense! Piffle! Every morning you must climb to the top of a mountain, where the air is thinnest and attempt a ten second flamethrower. This will prepare your furic lung and flame capacity for unforeseen circumstances, as the thinned air will adapt your lungs, as the fire breathing process usually needs a full intake of air, and the thinned air at a mountain’s summit will give a perfect practical example. It will attune you to your physical limits and allow you to appreciate your abilities to adapt to similar circumstances, such as breathing fire in a blizzard, breathing it under water with a blocked tube; the possibilities are countless.
          I have seen that you have taken my advice from my previous letter, and have taken to reading the ancient scrolls. I commend you for your efforts, as most archived materials are flammable; and my antics as a Dragonlett have since banned me from the premises of several libraries that will remain unnamed for reasons involving statutes of sworn secrecy, a particularly dedicated librarian’s vendetta and several attorneys.
          Your loving uncle,
          Trubodox the Scarlet

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