Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Book Two Letter Twelve

My Dearest Nephew,
This situation with Remdrix and his brood has gone too far now! Today I received a notification informing me that I had been invited to the next secret war-council. While I was distracted with these matters, Pyraxan set the river on fire, Bortas actually ate part of the Cliffside causing an avalanche, Relix began teaching Remdrix’s Dragonletts how to torch a village using several of my wall-hangings as models, Gaertho vandalized my Encyclopedia Serpentia and Remdrix cooked dinner! The last two were possibly the worst of them all. My Encyclopedia Serpentia, Smok! Pages of claw-crafted vellum! Illustrations by Mandollo himself!! Possibly the last of its kind!!! This is the final straw!!!! Why could they not have attended that family-reunion?!!!!!
After I extinguished the river and my wall-hangings, sealed up the Cliffside with a few tons of earth and stone, burnt the muck Remdrix had made for dinner and beat Gaertho about the head and shoulders with a sapling for half an hour, I decided to take drastic action. Taking pen to paper and keeping one eye on Remdrix and his vandal family, I wrote to your uncle Scaligar for help.
I know what you may be thinking why would I, a Dragon who has often professed an extreme lack of brotherly-love for Scaligar, ask his help now? For an answer, you would have to view my cave at the moment. Remdrix is sulking in a corner while his wife glares at me, Gaertho is smoking an anatomical chart of a Sea Serpent’s physiology, Bortas is gnawing on what is left of the encyclopedia, Relix and Pyraxan are scorching the sand on the floor into pools of glass to shatter and the children are being affected by the whole sorry atmosphere. I swore that I should never call on Scaligar’s aid unless Armageddon had struck, but Armageddon has now struck inside my cave. Anyway, it will be fun to see what your uncle Scaligar does to his relatives when he arrives. At this point, anything short of their deaths would be very nice.
From what you tell me of your uncles’ latest letters; they have begun mentoring you again on how they believe you should grow up. Burn those letters Smok, do not read a one of them. They are filled with Westerner-concocted lies. If you are looking for a proper Draconian diet, do not go pillaging villages for flocks of cattle. Hunting wild game is much more satisfying and they smell nicer too. Also there is the ever-present possibility of fishing in your coastal province of Aolia.
Also, about the fire-breathing tips your uncle Scaligar gave you, it pains me to say it, but they are quite accurate. That method will strengthen furic lung very effectively. After you have been following that line of exercise for a while, begin trying to breathe fire while still underwater. It takes a very powerful furic lung to be able to produce waterproof flames, so practice, practice, practice.
On the subject of what your uncle Trubodox said about taking medication, DO NOT TAKE MEDICATIONS!!! While they may help you for a short while, you will become addicted and then where would you be? Dependant on an artificial strengthener, that’s where. No, no, better to employ rigorous exercise and build up massive strength through that. Also, a handy tip on hardening the scales: eat salamanders. The little creatures have powerful hides that protect them from fire, eat enough of them and your scales will become tougher and layered, much more effective in protecting one’s self from attacks.
On the subject of the dragon entering your province, Rexrei Wythwave I believe, I would advise fighting him off. I hear he has a reputation as a pillager and plunderer, best to rid your province of him quickly before he does any serious damage. As to how to defeat him, as your opening assault, I would suggest Browski the Hammered’s patented Corkscrew Inferno, a very effective attack. As to a defense, hiding behind a rock usually helps.
Your servant, mentor and uncle,


  1. Always trust Semithino to give Smok good advice. Though I feel rather sorry for him; his relatives must be terrible indeed if he's actually asking for Scaligar's help.

    1. Yes, Semithino has good advice, to Scaligar and Trubodox's frustration. And the situation is not good in his cave, I can guarantee you.

  2. By the nine institutions! I am not frustrated! I am the apex of calm!! the focal point of all meditation!!! And, and, AAAAAAARGH!!!
    (Courtesy of D.B.T. (Draconian Blogosphere Telegraph)