Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Book Two Letter Nineteen

Concerning events of late, I will first offer my condolences upon the fact of your concussion resultant of the diabolical debacle that took place at the T.E.N.N.I.S. grand rally. From what your hospital diagnoses told, your concussion has caused short term memory loss, completely obliterating the rally’s events. I myself count this as a blessing, as you would have likely gone straight from the hospital to rigorous counseling if the full day’s events were in any way apparent to you. But the doctor: one Dr. Rig. R. Mortis, said recounting the events forgotten to you would be a sure way to accelerate your memory recovery and fortify it from any later similar injuries. And so with a heart injected with several quarts of lead (that is to say, heavy) I shall divulge the day’s events in all its magnificent insanity.
            Being a contemporary sport, and having being only lately established in the Western Provinces; T.E.N.N.I.S.’s organizers-having had almost no experience in event organization-set the date of the rally on the same day as Sprinkler Appreciation Day.
            The T.E.N.N.I.S. rally began with barely a hitch, save for an unfortunate event where Ratakis the World Famous Athlete found a stick of dynamite in his locker, for which I take no responsibility. But three matches into the pro-combustive event, the spectators were witnessed to one of the worst sporting disasters since when Bolikk the Buoyant squirted ketchup into the quarterback’s eye in the F.O.O.T.B.A.L.L. (Fun Order of Organizational Teams Booting Around a Large Lard-ball) playoffs.
            First the Ceremonial Sprinkler Guard set of an automated spray of hydration, missing the pre-prepared landing spot, and landing flat upon the T.E.N.N.I.S. players and fans. It was an unfortunate coincidence that the liquid used to flambé the T.E.N.N.I.S. balls, was an unstable compound used to prolong the fire’s burn time, but also incorporated a chemical that reacts strongly to alien substances, such as water.
            The resultant explosion of the balls of Bong’Bing the Whacker, Lestrad the Loaded and you; were enough to instigate the retirement of three minors, nearly atomize the facilities and acquaint three game pros with the stratosphere. Honestly I’ve never seen the Heimlich maneuver used to regurgitate a T.E.N.N.I.S. ball.
            From my vantage point in the stands I managed to escape the major damage, but unfortunately the subsequent shock wave sent the world famous Flab Sisters in the row in front flying straight into my delicate anatomy. The crater caused by the impact, several Dragons thought to be caused by a force 10 meteor. I later corrected them. It was force 11.
            Anyway, apart from being somewhat flatter than previous, I was perfectly unhurt by the incident. I heard that Scaligar had been present at the disaster; though somehow he escaped without a scratch. The anonymous explosion that marred his homeward journey I believe to be most fitting; although I wholly deny his accusation against me, involving me in the crime, along with several crates of dynamite.
            Hopefully this has jogged your memory into activeness once again, but my advice is to not remember too much of the incident, the counseling bureau has plenty of attendees as it is.
            Concerning other matters it appears that I was included at length in the article concerning the T.E.N.N.I.S. rally disaster. What can I say? I’m just that noticeable, though possibly it was because of the crater the Flab Sisters and I created, supposedly the largest one since Porkius the Porky jumped off a diving board.
            Anyway, a few days after the article’s publication someone knocked upon my cave door. Wait, I don’t have a cave door. Do I? Anyway, a few days after the article’s publication someone proverbially knocked on my proverbial cave door. I proverbially answered the door and found a miniature replica of myself sitting on the ledge preceding my cave-mouth.
            “Oh my goth! I’m your Biggetht fan!” he squealed, spraying me with spittle.
            I told him to lay off the narcotics and was about to close the cave door retreat into the cave when he explained that he was indeed my biggest fan, and had found my address on the article concerning my meteoric attributes. He went on to tell me that his title was Geekadox the Red, and he had wanted to meet me for several decades of his youth.
            He thed that he looked allot like me, and tho he wanted to meet me to talk and thtuff. A devious plan is now forming in my head, concerning my want for temporary retirement, Geekadox’s resemblance to me, and the supernatural ability of Scaligar’s to intercept my mail. Hmmmmm…Bwahahaaaa….I might let him stay the night…..
            On another exciting note, I have received the exact date for the next secret Westerner secret meeting, concerning the imminent invasion through the Western Wiles. I shall happily attend, as the letter enclosed the information that our immediate and physical action would be required if we agreed to congregate. I haven’t used my left hook in quite a spell, and I’ll be happy to try it on several unsuspecting invaders.
            Concerning your mentoring; I have come up with several more exercises for your fire breathing. I shall not list them, but have enclosed precise schematics of the exact movements needed to obtain results.
            An effective exercise to strengthen your claws is to set your talons into the Suction Stones native to Aeolia. Once you have done this attempt to pull your claws from the compressing rock. Once you succeed at this; do it over and over until you are able to easily free your claws from the stones. This may take weeks or even months but with a mastery of this you will be able to use your claws to their greatest extent, and be enabled to easily pull free if your claws are forcefully smashed into trees or thick mud in battle, giving you an advantage in a close quarters fight.
            I would council you more but it is late I am tired, and I am hoping to get to sleep at a decent hour, just like the saying. ‘Early to bed and early to rise, makes a Dragon cranky and blind in the eyes’. I might sleep in too.
            You lethargic uncle,
Trubodox the Scarlet AND GEEKADOX THE REDD!
Dang kids!

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