My dear Smok,
It has come to my attention that I have two loaves of moldy bread for brothers. May I clarify a few points in Trubodox’s letter to you (which Xunt did not intercept with explosive bananas and purple-faced monkeys) which I thought were an entirely inaccurate representation of the events after my performance with Remdrix about a week ago. You asked about this, in fact, in your letter to me, and I am ashamed to confirm your fears: every one of your uncles, including me, tends to exaggerate in our accounts of events, especially when it involves conflict between ourselves.
I have written many a tall tale to you, and so has Trubodox, and what Semithino says stretches the truth as well. Now, here’s the proper version of Trubodox’s fight with me that night.
First of all, it wasn’t actually all that much of a brawl. Although I did kick a Ukrainian mountain goat on accident at one point (not Serbian as Trubodox would have you believe), there was not too much physical conflict after the incident with Remdrix and his extra-extended family. Semithino discovered Trubodox, crouching behind a boulder on top of a hill. Once he was discovered, Trubodox proceeded to throw various apparatus over the boulder, one of which, the mountain goat afore-mentioned, I deflected with my hind claw. We proceeded to yell at each other in Swahiliese for several hours, but the humans were getting ready to slay some dragons, so we fell silent at Semithino’s beseeching, continuing our quarrel silently. I struck the first blow by dumping Trubodox into the river along with a leftover batch of flaming oil which I promptly lit. Then Trubodox proceeded to perform the same process on me after whacking my face with some not-so-proverbial frying pans. Luckily, while down in the water, I happened to find a sledgehammer lodged in the mud, autographed “Gaertho.”
Needless to say, I used it with extreme prejudice.
After that we all stayed the night in Semithino’s cave. Trubodox almost pulled a prank on me in my sleep involving a chicken, three sombreros, and a rare collection of crystals, but he burped a little too loudly as he crept into the guest-chambers where I was lodged, and I chased him back down the halls to his proper place.
Now that the affair with Remdrix is over, I shall pour forth my full psyche into my letters in order that I may mentor you.
Pardon me. I tried to erase it, but it won’t come out. Xunt is up to his crazed antics. Something to do with Xelle, his girlfriend, and me not letting him leave early. Which brings me to a point, actually. Smok, you are plenty old enough to be thinking of marital matters. Just because I am a bachelor does not mean that you should be, even if I am one of the most amazificating dragons living today. You are young, Smok; pursue another like yourself, while you still can. Loneliness in later life can lead to the dark and dismal dumps of depression. Say that sentence five times fast, and get a girl.
Anyway, next subject: the art of feng shui. As you know, the proper decoration of cave is proper in the draconian life, because it’s proper to be proper and being proper is proper to the proper degree of proper. Anyway, a few suggestions for you; you mentioned in your last letter that the arrangement of the shields on the wall bothered you, because you couldn’t decide which crest you wanted as a centerpiece.
Might I suggest taking the shields off the wall and replacing them with a series of paintings? I’ll send Xunt over with some good ones: for instance, The Wanderwyrm, a series of five by Penzak the Painter. The brushstrokes are wonderful, and each dragon depicts a different time of life. It progresses from left to right, starting with hatching and ending with old age. I don’t remember where I got that one, perhaps at a secondhand auction in Yovi. I don’t know how such great art by such a famous dragon came to be in Yovi. In the chart of all the preposterous things of the world, this rates higher than my brother. I shall be putting forth full force into an investigatification of such matters.
More dragons must treasure great art, for we live in an age when great art is no longer easily recognized, and the popularity of an object outdoes the skill of the author. If they are not preserved, traditional standards will not survive, and the world will be plunged into a dark period of history. This is perhaps the most important lesson I can actually teach you, Smok: appreciate what is great and what is good, but know the distinction between these things and what is bad. Art is a thing of beauty, and should be preserved at all costs. Art represents our heritage, whether in prose or in poetry, pencil or paint. Art is the past, art is the present, and art is the future. We must learn to recognizificate the greatness of the past and utilizificate it in the present day in order to securificate a better future. It’s the Scaligar-patented three step plan, and should be common knowledge to all dragons.
Anyway, on from art and beauty to your lack of animosity toward the human people. I am ashamed of you, Smok! Tradition! Have I not just demonstrated that we must preserve tradition? Humans are prey, and food, and it is ridiculous to think otherwise. Do we not eat fish and beasts of burden? Do we not consume birds of the air and waterfowl? Then why, Smok, must we refrain from utilizing our natural resource, the most delectable and most easily available food source, humanity?
Humans multiply like rabbits under the watch of persnickety dragons such as Semithino, and they grow to such uncontrollable numbers that if they are allowed to grow further they may end up driving dragons from the land. It is a question of dominance and the hierarchy of natural order. Dragons are superior to men.
-Your serpentine uncle,
P.S. Good luck in your T.E.N.N.I.S. matches, Smok, and keep up the diary.