Saturday, December 1, 2012

A Guide to Warding Off Unseemly Fantasy Pests: Installment Two

In this article, two irksome fantasy pests will be discussed: first, the infamous, notorious breed that happens to live wherever there are farms or islands to be troubled, the harpy. Secondly, we will be discussing the terrible horror that is created by flying rabbits. Then, we will discuss how to rid oneself of these annoying creatures.

Harpies are a strange breed of vulture-like birds with the heads of humans. There are two species of harpies; the greater harpy, and the lesser harpy. We will start with the lesser harpy.

These creatures usually are only the size of a falcon or another such similarly sized animal. These type of harpies generally cause nuisances such as mucking up the barn whenever they fly over, or eating any pies you happen to leave in the window. And unless you have a Gatling gun to ward them off, as you may have noticed before, they aren’t going to stop.

The trick to warding off these little beasties is merely to purchase, or otherwise acquire, a zarbog. Zarbogs are quite harmless little toads, except that they have wings and twice as many warts as a regular toad. These don’t require feeding or anything, but rather they fly into the air and eat lesser harpies, thus ridding you of the problem.

Now, on to greater harpies. These beasts are quite evil in nearly every sense of the word. They are about three times as large as lesser harpies and fly in flocks of fifty to a hundred at a time, often lifting cows and plough horse from your field to devour them back at their lair. These nasty buggers have been known even to lift humans into the air when they swarm, and, luckily, are extremely rare.

There is a simple trick to ridding yourself of these. You must purchase, or otherwise acquire, a duck. Greater harpies are scared to death of these harmless quacks, and will never trouble you so long as you possess one. They can smell ducks from a mile off, and will be sure to turn tail and flee to the other end of the world as soon as they realize the presence of one of these guardian avians.

On to flying rabbits. These blighters are quite easy to get rid of. What they do is, in the night, fly around and ravage your grass, often eating any small dogs, cats, or guinea pigs, on sight. They pull roof tiles from your house and gnaw on boards and columns, and are quite the nuisance.

The simple trick to getting rid of these property pests is to purchase, or otherwise acquire, a box of snowglobes. No one knows why this works; but every time it has been done, and the snowglobe box has been set out in the front yard, the flying rabbits have never returned.

That’s it for now!

-Ar Yuki Dingmee

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