Monday, November 19, 2012

Letter Forty-Eight

My dear Smok,
          It has come to my attention that you have tracked the source of the goblin box by way of Gargazath; and I am entirely displeased with my ill brother.
          Indeed, I had set out to Semithino’s lair in the East, not having received yet the news that Gargazath had sent that gift box. I flew on swift wings and soon found that conniving fiend’s lair. Indeed, I saw a good spot to land, and I immediately made for it, planning to catch him by surprise.
          SMOK!! Why, I implore you, did you tell Semithino that I was coming? The sniveling brat had iced the runway! I had my landing claws down and I was going to come to a stop on the landing when I found that my claws, screeching on ice, were carrying me down to the cursed river!
          Of course, I am not stupid enough to fall for that. If it had been Gargazath, I would have been tricked. In fact, I wrote a poem about it:

“If I had Been Gargazath”

If I had been Gargazath,
I would have been tricked.
If I had been Gargazath,
And I had been picked,
If I had been Gargazath,
I would have gone nuts!
If I had been Gargazath,
I’d have been such a klutz,
But I wasn’t Gargazath,
I wasn’t fooled.
My name will be legend,
I’m very well schooled.

I was carried down toward the heightened river, desperately struggling against the ice, when I was able to formulate a plan! I summoned all my willpower to make a desperate last burst and broke into the air, flapping my very un-scrawny wings and making for a different landing spot.
          But as I set down upon the earth, the very trees around me bent down and caged me. Then the earth broke into a fissure and swallowed me up. Once I was in the darkness, fire pelted me from all sides, but western dragons are immune to fire. Then, the fire stopped, and I was left in darkness, prisoner to Semithino. Indeed, he is very cruel and terrible in his wrath, and does not deserve the name Benevolent! I was starving, but only every once in a while a small hole from above opened up and a miniscule pomegranate splatted down onto my head, always judiciously aimed there. Then a liquid which I will not describe trickled through the ground above me; suffice it to say that it smelled beastly. What beast? I can’t say.
          After three long and tortuous days starving to death underground, the ground above me opened up, and I was lashed by a great wave of water, soaked to the bone!
          Then, at last, Semithino appeared. I was seething with anger, but also very weakened. I gave good blows, but he was superior, due to his cheating only. He kicked me in the CENSORED fifty CENSORED times and then proceeded to stomp my nose five feet into the hard earth!
          But, I got back at him, with my lashing tail. I whacked him and clouted him and smacked him and thwacked him and bonked him and whackapowed him and hurtificated him, in a word. My fury was so great that I chased the little brat straight back to his cave. There, he retreated into the incomprehensible maze of his dark and evil lair’s winding spidery tunnels. I dared not venture there, for he could cave me in there, and I didn’t want to be trapped once more.
          Now, my cunning took over. I retreated a little distance over a hill and plotted. And plotted. And plotted. And plotted. And, you get the idea!
          So I am still here, waiting out this war. I have so far built a trebuchet and a catapult, along with several battering rams and a box of tissues. I have licked my wounds and now will beat that CENSORED to the black realms of CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
          Then, your letter came, and I realized that Gargazath had sent it to Semithino using my stamp. Still, that does not excuse Semithino’s insolent conduct! I will have my revenge, and will remain here until I have an explicit apology, along with much groveling, claw-kissing, and offerings from Semithino. If he does not agree within three days to these terms, then I shall be forced to attack him with all my might, and let no living soul remain (except the innocent soles of any shoes which might be nearby).
          Thank you for disclosing Gargazath’s location. My lunatic brother will be found very soon and brought back to the sanatorium, where he will be confined in a solitary cell.
          -Your serpentine uncle,