Sunday, July 20, 2014

High Nooners

If we may be so bold as to quote Arnold Schwarzenegger; 'we're back!'. Copyrights forced us to change it....
Anyway, as I said in the morning post, we will have several posts on the calends of the afternoon. and so, to begin. 
Firstly, this High Nooner is only the lip of the ice burger, as its Draconian Letter will start off a series of posts throughout the afternoon, which shall start with something called a Sunday Fiasco (think Weekend Disaster Post), will flow on through a Riddling Derby, probably several more letters, and on and on, etc..until the Finale Extravaganza, where we'll most likely crown a winner, pop a few balloons, and so on.
Lets get to the letter.
Dear Smok,
Perhaps you are wondering why I haven’t written in such an extended period. As your other uncles seem indisposed, allow me to explain our letters’ ‘leave of absence’ per se.
Let me say first our justice system is cracked. Wouldn't you say the flight to a damsel’s cave to save her from bloodthirsty monosyllabics merits above 45 MPH?!
 But no, when I was half way to your old cave, flying slightly higher than my temporarily allied brothers, a pair of Skyway patroldragons intercepted me, one trying to handcuff me while the other accused me of flying ten over the provincial speed limit.
I of course was most courteous, poking the cuffer in the eye with one wingtip I bashed Mr. Riot Act upside the snout and the chase was on! Alright, they caught me within fifty tail lengths, and just managed to take me in.
The next indignity was that the judge sentenced me to a life’s sentence of eight months in the county jail! I couldn’t have that, as my warranty on Incinerating Quarterly was about to run out, and that last issue is always a doozie.
          And so I set about working out a masterful plan for my escape from the jail. I was kept under strict guard of course, they knowing my reputation, and locked in a maximum security cell on the jail roof. The skylight was nice for a view, but moving on.
          I quickly accumulated a brilliant plan, which worked out to the letter in execution.
          Stage One: I collapsed in my cell, throwing in a strangled cry of anguished pain for good measure.
          Stage Two: That done, I got up, bashed the wall to pieces, knocked out the guard and ended the day with a mass breakout of all the inmates.
          Stage Three: Once safely out, I stole found a convenient heard of goats and bombarded the inmates until they gave up and went back inside the jail.
Brilliant. Sometimes I surprise even myself with my originality.
But the far greater trouble I had forgotten that I had broken out to preserve was the captive princess Limmie the Mildly Cute! Most likely your other uncles had bungled the operation without me, and I flew swiftly to her cave, anticipating a terrible tragedy.
However, it was even worse than I had thought. Those two catch cloths had succeeded without me!!! The ground shook with the indignity of it…
Unfortunately, it seems your uncles were arrested on charges of destroying the pieces after their rescue of your date. How terrible! How awful! This is fabulous an unfounded disaster! My heart was torn asunder.
Thankfully my heart heals fast and I got it all in perspective. That perspective I shall not entail to you my nephew, as it isn’t appropriate for those below 300 as there is a life lesson to be learned in here.
I’ll get back to you on that,
Your mourning and appreciative uncle,

Trubodox the Scarlet
         P.S. Oh, and by the way, Limme the Mildly Cute was found wandering the hills of Yovi by Slimtail the Thickheaded. Seems she was a mite delirious, muttering about flying pigs and fiery beans.
          P.P.S. Most intriguing.
          P.P.P.S. I believe I’ll investigate
          P.P.P.P.S. More into
P.P.P.P.P.S. Your erstwhile uncles
P.P.P.P.P.P.S. imprisonment.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Could be
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Interesting

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