Tuesday, August 19, 2014

The Battle of the Bulging Inbox

Your mother downloads your memory! Lyle typed ferociously. Across the crater pockmarked no man’s land, an enemy Spammer staggered under the ruthless attack. Flicking on Caps lock and ignoring the frenzied typing of his battling comrades, he shot back with a loud
Knees shaking under the reverberation of the repost, Lyle laid down an italicized spew of unrelenting adjectives and phrases.
Wi-Fi piggy backer!
Ram stealer!
And lastly, you’re no better than a one gig. Hardrive!
Swaying at the aftershock of these cutting remarks, the enemy Spammer broke his Shift key in an attempt to retaliate, but Lyle had already taken the advantage. Daringly he shoved his laptop out from his entrenchment, where all attacking signals converged on him, and sliced into his assailant with one final burst of devastating nouns, prods and pokes.
Double negative!
Soundtrack pirate!
You’re like an iPhone case with no signal array!
Go clean your flash drives!
And finally, ever pixel, ever bit, and every battery cable in your sleazy little computer is dumb!
Toppling backwards, the Spammer thudded to the hard earth, exhausted and beaten to the ground by Lyle’s superior profanity skillz. As the line teetered around the broken link, Lyle’s fellows clipped on extension cords and charged forwards as the enemy scattered, sending them insulting emails as they fell back in disarray.
VICTORY IS OURS! Lyle typed jubilantly, then slotted it into his Reminders just to make sure his schedule didn't get mixed up.

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