Book of the Week: August 30th, 2014

Here is the first installment in a new weekly series, Book of the Week! In which one of us gives a book suggestion, and you readers go and...well, read.* We may also include certain challenges referring to said books, depending on how many people comment with interest in our suggested reading.

In other announcements, The Draconian Letters will be coming to a close very soon, even within the next week perhaps, as we prepare our series Water Under the Bridge, coming out at the end of October. And, speaking of the end of October, feel free to tell us in the comments if you will participating in this year's NaNoWriMo event! One of us (hint: me [hint: J]) may possibly be joining up to write another novel. I'm not so sure about the other two.

Anyway, here we go!

BOOK OF THE WEEK:

The Wizard of Oz..zi

Who here has written fan fiction? I've never done it before, but this snippet of a story wouldn't break from that, as its really another possible version of a story, not something in the exact same story. 
I wrote this awhile ago, as a new take on the classic Wizard of Oz, where the first person to visit Oz gleans a strange magic from that place which she names after herself...
And so, (please) read on and (please) enjoy what I'm calling for now (please)The Wizard of Ozzi.

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The winds whistled around Gale. Emulating her name in a scream of primal power, it flung a funneling gust twisting about her. Rising from the ground, Gale raised her arms and the wind formed below her into a great tapering current like tapering, twisting smoke.

The Constant stars gleaming above flickered and flashed as the twirling tempest coursed through them, twisting ever about the form of Gale. Now she rose even higher, her hair floating around her like gravity had forgotten it

Slowly lowering her hands, the twister telescoped open above her, swirling around her in a wide rim with her at the epicenter. Now the eye of her storm, Gale was in full control. Reaching down her arm, Gale stroked the air, and as if strung to her intentions, a writhing tempest leaped from the vortex below and; changing as it went, hovered to its mistress’ side.

Flickering and rippling like a face underwater, the wind creature extended a tongue shaped like a fingering draft and licked her hand, which to Gale felt like being licked by a cloud.

A sudden draught of power adrenalized Gale Ozzi, and a laugh slipped from her mouth.

And, as the twister below her began to spin fast and faster, Gale looked down at her loyally drifting dust devil. “Come on, Zephyr, there’s no place like home.”

Prelude to The Oz Zone

Book One of The Wizard Of Ozzi

  

Riddling Derby No. 6 RESULTS!

And we're back for the unveiling ceremony of all riddles presented in the previous Riddling Derby, the comments underscored there, and the winners by majority of correct answers. ONWARD!!

Riddle #1: Bind me and I walk, loose me and I am still. What am I?

Answer: Sandals! Correctly solved by Anastasia & Dmitri Pendragon
.

Riddle #2: A word I know, six letters it contains, remove on letter and twelve remains. What is it?

Solution: Dozens! Correctly interpreted by Dmitri...and Hyperlinkzer at the last minute!

Riddle #3: With thieves I consort, with the vilest, in short, I'm quite at ease with depravity. Yet all divines use me, and savants can't loose me, for I am the center of gravity.

Resolution: The letter V! Rightly answered by Dmitri and Anastasia

Riddle #4: What kind of tree can you carry in your hand?

Thingy-That-It-Meant: A Palm tree!!!! Correctly answered by Anastasia, Dmitri & Hyperlinkzer!

Final Point Tally:

Anastasia: 3

Demitri: 5 (1 bonus point due to circumstances in the last Riddling Derby Results)

Hyperlinkzer: 2

Congratulations Dmitri Pendragon!!!!!! for the first time your name shall be inscribed on the newly updated Hall Of Riddlers! And nice work Anastasia and Hyperlinkzer too! Be of good cheer! And cream the opposition next Riddling Derby (in the most unbiased way possible)!

And so ends another Riddling Derby revolution! For tomorrow is another post!

2014 Riddling Derby No. 6!

Welcome one, two, and all! And welcome (again) back to our sporadic schedule! Today we'll be posting the newest Riddling 

Derby of the year, which will involve the usual rules.

1. No biting or scratching.

2. No use of obscene Vulcan hand gestures are allowed.

3. We will post four riddles of the usual difficulty.

4. Firearms, sharp miscellaneous objects and hypnotist chinchillas are banned from this event.

5. Write your answers in the comment box and await the RDRP: Rejuvenating Dip in a Radioactive Pond, or the Riddling Derby Results Post, for the announcement of the Riddling Champion.

6. One point will be awarded for each correctly solved riddle, if two contestants are tied, a bonus riddle of apex difficulty shall be unveiled.
7. Your comments shall vanish upon publishing so to not give hints to other riddlers, and will appear shortly before the RDRP, which will be posted on 8/24/14.

Now, shall we sing the Wyvern's Den Blogical Anthem?

No, let's get into it.

Riddle #1: Bind me and I walk, loose me and I am still.

What am I?

Riddle #2: A word I know, six letters it contains, remove one letter, and twelve remains.What is it?

Riddle #3: With thieves I consort, with the vilest, in short, I'm quite at ease with depravity. Yet all divines use me, and savants can't loose me, for I am the center of gravity.

Riddle #4: What kind of tree can you carry in your hand?

Read, contemplate, frustrate, have meltdown, go to rehab, recover, solve, comment.

Draconian Fun Facts:

Scaligar takes vacations in vacationing dragons' caves. Semithino blocks in the cave mouth. And Trubodox stays home and fashions potpourri from the skulls of his vanquished enemies.

The Battle of the Bulging Inbox

Your mother downloads your memory! Lyle typed ferociously. Across the crater pockmarked no man’s land, an enemy Spammer staggered under the ruthless attack. Flicking on Caps lock and ignoring the frenzied typing of his battling comrades, he shot back with a loud

WELL YOUR MOMMA DOESN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MACBOOK AND A TRUCK MANUAL!

Knees shaking under the reverberation of the repost, Lyle laid down an italicized spew of unrelenting adjectives and phrases.

Wi-Fi piggy backer!

Ram stealer!

And lastly, you’re no better than a one gig. Hardrive!

Swaying at the aftershock of these cutting remarks, the enemy Spammer broke his Shift key in an attempt to retaliate, but Lyle had already taken the advantage. Daringly he shoved his laptop out from his entrenchment, where all attacking signals converged on him, and sliced into his assailant with one final burst of devastating nouns, prods and pokes.

Double negative!

Soundtrack pirate!

You’re like an iPhone case with no signal array!

Go clean your flash drives!

And finally, ever pixel, ever bit, and every battery cable in your sleazy little computer is dumb!

Toppling backwards, the Spammer thudded to the hard earth, exhausted and beaten to the ground by Lyle’s superior profanity skillz. As the line teetered around the broken link, Lyle’s fellows clipped on extension cords and charged forwards as the enemy scattered, sending them insulting emails as they fell back in disarray.

VICTORY IS OURS! Lyle typed jubilantly, then slotted it into his Reminders just to make sure his schedule didn't get mixed up.

Book Two Letter Fifty-Three

Welcome, readers, one and all, to the Wyvern's Den. Here we have yet another installation in Book Two of The Draconian Letters, which is drawing swiftly to a close.

But fear not! For we, the authors of this blog, shall take a two-month hiatus and produce the most fantastical and hilarious new series of letters, Water Under the Bridge! More details in the tab at the top.

For now, though, enjoy Scaligar's newest letter.

My dear Smok,

It has come to my attention that prison breaking is not so easy as the media makes it seem. I apologize if this letter is tainted with scents of radioactive pineapple fragrance. It was necessary to ward off the guards.

What We Do In Our Spare Time #5

1. The starship Enterprise

2. The colosseum

3. And a lightning strike

"Take us through the black hole, Mr. Spork!" cried Captain Kirp of the starship Enterprise. "Yes sir," said the Vulcan solemnly, motioning to the bridge officers. Soon the spaceship was flung forward as the warp core engaged shakily. Through the swirling vortex they spun, and suddenly they reinstated themselves into reality above a massive jumbled city, not unlike ancient Rome.

    "We need a landing area fast!" Scottius' voice blared over the intercom. "We kinda gave it little more then she's got!" Kirp cursed, then scanned the city below, barely taking in anything before he spotted salvation.

    "Down there, that big round area like a football stadium, looks like the colosseum! Its probably some sort of tourist attraction, land there before the ship falls apart!" "Captain, I do not think that is wise---" Spork suggested uneasily. But they were already dropping in a  crash landing towards the replica of the colosseum.

    As the dust settled, Kirp saw three figures approaching them, brandishing several adverse and pointy weapons. "Hmmm, you may be right about that colosseum theory, Spork," he muttered, watching the gladiators getting closer.

    "Well then, there's nothing to be done other than to activate the Omega Thirteen!!!!!" nothing happened. "Wrong movie sir," added Spork. "Well then, all we can hope for now is a lightning strike!" muttered Kirp, leaning back in his command chair, thoroughly miffed. In a split second, an enormous bolt of electricity crashed into the sand floor outside the window, incinerating all attackers present, and turning the colosseum floor to glass. "I RULE!" edjaculated Kirp. "Now, uh, Mr. Lulu, find us another black hole."

Book Two Letter Fifty-Two

Dear Smok,

If this parchment smells vaguely of pine sol and brimstone detergent to you, it certainly should, as I had to sneak this letter out of the prison with the laundry run. Also, you’d better eat the courier pigeon that it came with as I had to transfer a hefty sum to its hoard account for its pains. I don’t like loose ends for reasons you’ll find out soon.

             For the moment I am still imprisoned with your confounded uncle Scaligar the serpen7tyu6yu68jhh78ych7gurh7846wuj nvjhsethbt4hi!!E@#%%$GBrhyhvrh. Hmmm, subtle venting of spleen is a lost art.

            The cell conditions would have been bad enough without my brother extenuating it to the depths of hellfire. We are fed twice a day, though many of the guards were sparsely educated and usually mix up on the number of meals, often calculating in negatives. But this is the very least of my adversities as I have trained my body to survive the very peaks of bodily maltreatment I ate the mold Smok, MOLD!

            Interior decorating is also sadly lacking. I am allowed a small mound of pennies to sleep on, a Damsel-In-Distress Humane Huggie with Real Life Blood-Curdling Scream^TM, and a small mineshaft in the north-east corner for bathroom purposes.

            As fi the cell wasn’t small enough, I must split it with your uncle Scaligar, forcing me to wake up to his awful bedroom habits. He has 75.5 ways to scratch himself with his tail while sleep talking about some of his worst date nights.

            I shall only briefly stop on his personal hygiene, or B.B.O. as I like to call it, Berry Berry Offul.

            We have gotten into several fights lately over many disputes, my attempts at slipping air-fresheners under his sleeping mound, him taking too long on the mineshaft, and the very worst, his attempts at including me in games of tic-tac-toe.

            I must admit, I have gotten rather emotional about my incarceration, having never been imprisoned before double negative Trubodox and I’ve got the records to show ieeeeeeeet moving on.

            However, I have overcome my softer nature and have cooked up a brilliant plan, unfortunately involving Scaligar, but fortunately involving explosions.

            I cannot outline it to you now for fear of interception of my courier pigeon (remember, eat him! He knows too much), merely remember this day as the day you received a pongy letter from a great strategic genius who you are fortunate enough to share genes with.

            Bye for now Smok, this letter is as long as the undershirt it’s getting tucked into, so I’d better finish up.

            Your genius uncle,

            Trubodox the Scarlet       

P.S. No doubt Scaligar has asserted channels of communications through his KP attachments, so I will allow him to tell the tale of our escape, as by the time his letter will have reached you, we’ll be on the run.

P.P.S. and I’ll take it up from there.

P.P.P.S. Getting a longer shirt, there’re a few more things I need to write.

P.P.P.P.S. Medium, Large or Blimp?

P.P.P.P.P.S. Never mind, this quill's ru  i g dry, and Scaligar ne ds to u e the min  sh ft.

Book Two Letter Fifty-One

My dearest nephew,

I must apologize for the sand and drakes’ teeth in the envelope of this letter; they must have slipped in by accident. I shall explain later.

            It appears as though the keepers of your uncle Scaligar’s prison have been in s0me way alerted to my plans to free him, as we here on the beach were suddenly attacked earlier on today in the midst of a game of beach ball our planning your uncles escape from prison by a band of angry drakes.

            It appears as though the prison pulled out all the stops for this attack, sending in its crack troops and all. Either that or a gang of drakes got bored and decided to make another of their frequent forays on our mainland beaches (they attack quite often thanks to a genetic addiction to coconuts). You decide.

            Anyway we chased off the drakes with difficulty at first due to the fact that we were all in bathing suits which made for an inevitably chafing fight we were caught in the middle of our planning phase and therefore totally unprepared. Still we rose to the challenge and taking up the large turtle which we had been using for a ball earlier and duct taping its legs and head inside its shell we transformed the stolid creature into a makeshift anti-drake missile.

            The next few hours were spent in rapturous enjoyment on our part as we systematically shot down drakes with our hard shelled missile friend.

            Today we learned two things; firstly that wardens of the prison will stop at nothing in their attempts to keep me from rescuing your uncle, and secondly that our friend the turtle is virtually indestructible.

Armed with these two facts and with an industrial sized roll of duct tape, and of course our firm friend the turtle I and my friends went out to free your uncles on our own.

The mercenaries I had hired a few days ago we decided not to use after all. We have a turtle, we don’t need mercenaries.

Your humble servant, mentor and uncle,

Semithino

The Knowledge of a Homeschooler

Begun at an early age, the teaching of a homeschooler is profound and ever nourishing. Whoever might say their dumb cuz possibly they might not talk or writ gud unglish, or maybe some of those fat perspiring bovines think their tactless because they never get out:
This list of homeschooling principals should disprove those unbelievers and affirm the true belief that homeschoolers worldwide are given infinite knowledge and profound life lessons ever day of their young lives.
Enjoy.
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1. My mother taught me

TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL  DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.

I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock

you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC.

" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,

you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case

you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying,

and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times.

Don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about

BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in

this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it from your father

when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes,

they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know

when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,

don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me

HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you.

Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .

"One day you'll have kids,

and I hope they turn out just like you !"

Weekend Disaster Post - Shellfish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome, one and all, to Iron Wyvern! Enjoy this short Weekend Disaster Post. More Draconian Letters will be coming soon as we get ready to wrap up Book Two.

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Just a day ago, the shores of the entire world were flooded with a sudden torrent of clams, oysters, crabs, lobsters, and other assorted shellfish. No one knows why or how they managed such a feat, but it appears that the entire ocean has heaved its shellfish onto land.

Viewers gathered through the hours of the day, staring in awe at the great tide of shellfish washing ashore.

The lobsters seemed to be organizing the rest into orderly ranks, handing out protest signs and watterbottles to anyone who requested them. We still have no clue what they're protesting, because as soon as they got the protest signs, the shellfish all turned the other way. It is impossible to get past their ranks and out to the ocean to see what in the world the signs are saying, but it appears that they are protesting against the rest of the sealife for casting them out of the ocean.

A group of reporters tried to get close just an hour ago, but the crabs appear to be acting as bouncers to unwanted guests. A group of the biggest, meanest ones started chasing sideways after them, snapping their claws, and even got a journalist on the buttocks.

The governments of the world have issued several warnings not to approach the strange newcomers and their protest signs. Trade has completely stopped worldwide; harbors are blockaded. All normally seafaring countries or islands are now landlocked.

More updates as we get them,

The Post