Hello there, this is JTZ Baner bringing you yet another update of disaster and destruction! I wonder why that's happened so often since we got online...hmmm, anyway...
In the small town of Ostarient, high in the Mountains of Grood, between the plains of Derronai'z and the Marshes of Bluur, in the great nation of Antislakia that lies in the west, there has been a massive strike of the postal service. They have reportedly eaten their bosses and shapeshifted into pterodactyls. They are currently swooping over the town and diving down to eat any unfortunate passersby--GOTTA RUN! THEY'RE ONTO MEEEEE!!!!!!!
Okay, I'm back and safely indoors now. As one might expect, there has been a massive flood of reporters to this town, providing even more for the postal pterodactyls to eat. I hate to say it, but it appears they've gone, hehe, postal. Bad pun...
Anyway, it appears that things have been developing in this strange situation. The pterodactyls have written out a ransom letter to the town elders, demanding five wagons full of Swiss cheese, thirty barrels of monkeys, seventy-two pounds of essence of llama, the bones of several hamsters, blessed by Buddhist monks, and lastly but not least, a kazoo.
I looked up these strange items, and it appears that they are part of a summoning spell. To summon what?
A bouncy house.
The pterodactyls are trying to summon a bouncy house. Or maybe just Hades, but then they'd need five red balls instead of the essence of llama. Maybe they've got the wrong recipe book?
Anyway, it appears that national troops are being deployed from the nearby mountain ranges to stop the pterodactyl menace. The disaster will probably soon be cleared up...WHAT IN THE WORLD?! THEY'RE HAVING A COOKOUT IN THE TOWN SQUARE?!