The Weekly Draconian: 7/23/14. Issue #3.

Stolen M.D. Tied to Convicted Felon; Cristalitis Cured

Columnist: J. Edgar Spinetail
Editor: Krala the Terror

As cristalitis raged across the provinces these past few weeks and doctors raced to find a cure, the fiasco of the stolen medical doctorate was pushed into third-page headlines. However, a new incident came to light connecting the two events.

Riddling Derby #5 of 2014!

Welcome to the 5th Riddling Derby of 2014! That's if you count the Ogre Riddling Derby.
For all newcomers, here's how it goes:

A. I will give you three riddles to solve. Each is worth one point if you get it right.
B. This round, I'll give a special bonus riddle that's worth two. It'll be extra hard though.
C. Down at the bottom, I'll give three facts about all the dragons writing The Draconian Letters.
D. Comment with your answers to the riddles below. Whoever gets the most points wins and is commemorated in the Hall of Riddlers.

All right, let's start!

Book Two Letter Fifty

Readers, one and all, welcome to Iron Wyvern! As we have hinted in a previous post, Book Two of The Draconian Letters is being wrapped up, and will be done by the end of August. For the months of September and October, we will write Book One of our much-mumbled-about new project, Water Under the Bridge! Don't worry, we didn't forget about it. Starting in November, that will be posted regularly for the next few months. And then, coming in 2015...drumroll please...the new, improved BOOK THREE OF THE DRACONIAN LETTERS!!!!! Featuring Trubodox, Scaligar, and Semithino in new adventures.

Here is Scaligar's latest from the max security facility in the province of Zuul. Enjoy!

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My dear Smok,

It has come to my attention that I may have made a mistake in assaulting your uncle through the glass in the visiting room. It appears he has now been sentenced to 500 years in MY CELL. This is a terrible atrocity, and I have already contacted a lawyer to get him moved out of my cell as soon as draconianly possible.

Finale Extravaganza!!! (Letters 48 and 49)

Welcome to the final post in our First Annual Yolapalooza for Posts!!! Firstly, we have some letters you might want to read, inhale, ravage, like? Look at the bottom of the post for the true Finale to the day's works!
Enjoy, one, two and all!!!

What We Do in Our Spare Time - Stick shift, wizard, cake

1 A red stick shift

2 A wizard

3 And a piece of cake

Arnold swerved The Wizard around the bend, whizzing past a Maserati and into the main pack. As the track began to curve a sleek Thunderbird turned broadside on to Arnold’s car.

          Anticipating the ram, Arnold wrenched the red stick shift backwards and a blast of flame from his exhaust pipe propelled him forward, while the Thunderbird swerved off the track and onto the grassy shoulder.

          The stands erupted for Arnold as his spurt of speed sent him flying into the front runners. But the race wasn't over yet, that flame propulsion had been meant for the final lap, and there was still two to go.

          The leading car, a black Ferrari with a long stripe across its top, obviously spotted The Wizard coming up fast. Lunging ahead into open track, it spun in a tight circle and shot a massive pie from a large gun that had appeared atop it chassis.

Book Two Letter Forty-Seven (Yolapalooza for Posts)

Welcome to Iron Wyvern, ladies and gentlegerms! Here we have another letter from Scaligar to his nephew Smok in the Yolapalooza for Posts! Enjoy, comment, fire, sharp objects, etc., and don't forget to watch out for hamsters.

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My dear Smok,

As you may have noticed, I am in jail. I have been for the past two months been incarcerated on unfounded and deeply crazed accusations. Only now have they allowed me to put out any correspondence whatsoever, on account of my bribing the prison cook, Lenny the Wannabe, to deliver them. His food tastes awful, but he is necessary for getting letters out to you. Perhaps you wondered why this letter was hidden inside a cheaply baked fruit cake with sauerkraut substituted for cherries.

The Sunday Fiasco

Wyvern’s Migration Goose is Cooked: In the early hours of the day hitherto known as Sunday, but after which called the Deceased, a fiasco like none other recorded shattered, smashed and rampaged the quiet province of Bombay; the well known coastal town characterized by its lovely tropical black sand beaches, its sinister bubbling volcano, and the annual spectacle of the Wyvern Rush, the manifested bulk of the Wyvernical populace and its travel from the cold northern mountains to the slightly damp Yovian hillsides.

            The fuse for the fiasco was lit as fiascoes often are with an addled Eastern cartographer, who mistook a Sludge stain on his new migratory trajectories map to be the main line of geese migration that year.

            Escalating the fiasco further, the cartographer hastened to I.P. (Instant Pearl) the Great Honker of the geese herds to make sure he understood the wiles of changing his main flight path so drastically, as it coincided directly with the migratory path of the Wyverns, directly above Bombay.

            Thinking this a great idea, having not discovered the benefits of a second opinion, his Supreme Honkitonk changed his charts to match the Easterners, and continued on with his day.

            All of these stunning facts are news to everyone, but the next and finalizing chapter of the fiasco we all know slightly better thanks to the cursed convenient NEWS Pearl and Crystal apps.

            Crowds quickly congregated on the shady beaches of Bombay to witness the spectacle fo the Wyvern Rush. As the first crowd of V-formation Wyverns glided over (singing their famous ‘Icicles and Refrigerated Stalactites’ Migration Chorus), the fiasco seemed to have been averted. But as the main crowd rushed overhead, a sinister quack and the flapping of many wings sounded the bell of renewed fiasco…ness.

            Perfectly timed as any fiasco could be; the brunt V formation of migrating geese crashed into the main W formation of migration Wyverns.

            The air soon became a battlefield, dissolving into Chase the Big Pigeons, and Fly Quacking from the Mean Dragons. Geese fell like confetti from the skies, and Wyverns dove like maddened fishers.

Unfortunately, the fiasco was only beginning, which is convenient, but gives us more stuff to write about, and makes a smashing fiasco.

            One of the aforementioned falling geese, toppled in a diagonal course surmounted with a sort of spinning flop, which landed it straight into the famous Bombay volcano, Mt. Cornelius, well known for its tendency not to erupt, and a slightly smoking crater.

            Unfortunately, volcanoes don’t like geese jumping on them, and it presently erupted, sending a massive lava flow down the mountain towards the crowded streets, and several flaming meteors toward the traffic jammed skies.

            Fortunately, the conflagrating fiascoes helped to avert one another, as several of the Wyverns thought they had it in them to become X-treme Fire Swallowers, and while flaming Wyverns flew to and fro to stop the blaze, the geese did overhead flights to help douse the flames using their own ‘personal’ anti-fire capabilities.

            Bombay was saved! With the help of two unusual allies, it had prevailed, which just goes to show that our paper is better than those $#&^$@ apps because fiascoes sometimes help out other fiascoes as fiascoes often time hide a better fiasco within another fiasco.

            Until our next report,

            The Post 

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Third post and counting in the Yolapalooza for Posts! Suggestions, questions, criticisms and political rallies are welcome!