Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Book Two Letter Twenty-Seven

My Dearest Nephew,
It has come to my attention [despite copyright filed by Scaligar the Serpentine on Septemberikuss the 6th to the Supreme Draconian court on the matter of the opening phrase ‘It has come to my attention’ in order that none shall use this phrase without his personal consent to the matter] that both of your uncles were soundly beaten in the battle with the Yovians lately. Last I heard, Scaligar and Trubodox were still ‘Kouting’ their ‘Teef’. Where was I during in the midst of this disturbing brouhaha? I shall tell you in just a moment after these short messages.
            Purchase Printzer the Printed’s Patented Paper Purloiner ™! Snatch & Grab stacks of parchment from ne to five meters away! Buy now with Prices at an all-time low!
       Purchase a calligraphy quill from Madame Tolbkni the Artful’s Antique Shoppe! Buy in gold, silver, platinum or mother of pearl layers!
          Buy Browski the Hammered’s patented Liquid Inferno Whiskey ™!!! Now with a hint of Lemony-freshness!!!
            Apologies for the advertisements, I have lately taken up a career in the local newspaper, loathsome an occupation as advertising is. I have no idea how Browski the Hammered got one of his advertisements into the paper. I hear that his patented ‘Inferno Whiskey’ is illegal in thirty major Provinces and four minor ones as an incredible fire-hazard. I think that the humans have developed a dangerous weapon based on it. I believe that they are calling it ‘Greek Fire’.
            Anyways, back to the matter of the fight with the Yovians and as to where I was at the time.
            Being somewhat a cautious Dragon, I decided that I would find the meeting-place before the time of the council and do some advance-scouting, just in case an enemy force had found our council-area and was planning an ambush.
            I enlisted the help of my Siberian friend, who, judging by the few snippets of information I could give him of the area, and studying several maps of the different coastlines, managed to discover that the meeting had been somewhere along the Yovian coastline. With a bit more fine-tuning, he was able to narrow the area down better and draw me a map of the section of coast.
            Already this seemed suspicious to me. The fact that the meetings were on the Yovian coastline that is, not the fact that my Siberian friend could find the spot on a map never having seen it before. He is gifted that way.
            I then set out on my flight and soon reached the coastline, soon being a relative term. It took me a few days.
            When I got there, I quickly located the council-cave and infiltrated it. The security was horrible, simply a few hired Drakes whom I overpowered easily, bound and gagged, and proceeded further in.
            When I reached the central council-cave, I found a bunch of Yovians sitting around a pool. I hid myself before they saw me, and heard them discussing new ways to make the dragons coming for the fake council look silly. It was then that I realized once and for all that the councils had all been a sham put on by the Yovians and it was then that I revealed myself and overpowered all forty-nine of them. Single-clawed. No kidding.
            Over a long conversation with the Yovian leader of the vast horde of present Yovians, I managed to win him over, and begin laying a new plan for the Dragons soon to come. This would be my revenge for all those years of pranks and insults paid to me by your uncle Scaligar.
            It seemed that the Yovians had simply been planning to hold another fake council meeting for the Dragons when they arrived, but I managed to get them to divulge their long-term plans for the council and decided to set them in motion ahead of schedule.
            I had the Yovians draw the map on the bottom of the pool, along with the battle-plan, and made the finishing touches to my plan wit them. Then I hid myself outside the cave and waited.
            It was not too long after that when the Dragons began arriving. There was a moment of excitement when Scaligar set off a flare for some reason and then was force-fed toiletries until he talked his way out of the matter. Pity, I could have watched the performance for a few more days if I just had some popped corn, or do the humans call it Pop-pot-corn? Anyway, with a bit of it, whatever the name, the show would have been perfect. However, it ended far too soon and then Scaligar was on his way down into the cave.
            Not long after that, they appeared and began donning their black toilet-paper armor. Just as I had planned.
            Once the group was in the air, I followed at a distance and watched it all with my magic telescope. I noticed that Scaligar seemed to be playing secret-operative or something. He seemed to have had another Dragon tail the entire group for some outlandish reason. Really, he seems to be going quite mad.
            Later on in the battle, when he was thrown into a pothole, I saw him inflate a dummy of himself, fill it with exercise weights, and fly away leaving it there in his place! Proof that his mind is going!
            Anyway, after watching the battle with the Yovians and my relatives, I winged my way back home, had a good laugh with my Siberian friend over the night’s events and set to writing this letter.
            -Your humble servant, mentor and uncle,
P.S. Don’t forget to check out S. Iberian’s auction of art and poetry this Saterdunk!!!
P.S. If your uncles ask you, the events stated in this letter never occurred.

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