Wednesday, May 21, 2014

The Weekly Draconian, 5/21/14

Enjoy the second installment of The Weekly Draconian, featuring columnist T.J. Minus of the province Arrknight, and world-renowned investigative journalist Glen Greenscale.

Wednesday, May 21

"Cristalitis" Epidemic Baffles Draconian Doctors

Columnist: T.J. Minus
Investigative Journalist: Glen Greenscale

We've all heard of cottontooth, Bootjaw kidney fever, and wyvern's rash, but a new flu is sweeping the provinces, and never has the like been seen by any doctor, doctor's assistant, apothecary, crazy draconian quack doctor, or hillbilly cannibal in existence. The recent breakout of what has been termed "Cristalitis," short for Cristalitis episophagocytositoma. No one has been able to recall any such sickness ever happening in the history of the world.

The symptoms are extremely painful. Says Scalpella the Surgeon, M.D. at Northern General Hospital, "The first signs of the disease are a sore throat and weak fire. From then on, it progresses to Stage 2, which is when the full growth of crystal forms in the spark pouch. It's characterized by the loss of the ability to breathe fire and extreme pain in speaking and swallowing. Stage 3 is when the growth hardens and seals itself to outside attack from the immune system."

This extremely painful illness has been ravaging the Northern Provinces, and no one is quite sure of the cause. The only clue is its regionality. Draconian officials have been quick to limit the disease's spread by creating a temporary no-fly zone to and from the provinces of Frizid, Denpeake, and Frostuay.

In hopes of finding the source and ending the quarantine, a team of top-notch field analysts have been deployed to examine the food and water supplies of the region, as well as environmental plant growth. They hope to find the cause, and possibly the cure, to this epidemic.

Says Scalpella, "Our best bet so far has been to rub goat soap on the throat to eliminate soreness and swelling. There has also been success with seaweed concoctions in diminishing the size of the crystalline growths on the insides of the patients' throats."

The hospital waits on pins and needles for the field analysts to come back with their discoveries, and hopefully put an end to the crystalitis crisis.

T.J. Minus,
Junior Columnist, Current Affairs