The Weekly Draconian, 5.30.14

The third installment of the Weekly Draconian has been delayed two days, due to the writers' procrastination Memorial Day Weekend. Enjoy this slightly late perfectly timed special!

Friday, May 30

Doctorate Degree Stolen at U of Yovi!!!

Columnist: Brett Sorethumb

Investigative Journalist: Slimtail the Thickheaded

Late last night at the acclaimed provincial University of Yovi, which has ejected some of the brightest and lightest Dragons in Yovian history--which include the inventor of the itchy blanket bed, and also the first brewer of the Endangered Species Soup--, the medical office on the second floor was broken into and ransacked by a supposedly Draconian thug.

Evidence to this fact was given by several native security guard, who asserted that it had a long pointy thing, and big flappy things that  it used to flappy away, quoth he.

The nearest employee of the Draconian was one Slimtail the Thickheaded, who investigated immediately, thought the reason for him ironing his snout and wearing a fake tale is still unsure, though possibly he wanted to change his name around.

Contrary to popular speculation, something had been stolen from the medical office, transforming the uninvited ransacker from 'thug' to 'thief', and causing an outbreak of the cha cha dance of hate amid the faculty.

According to Slimtail, a highly valuable doctorate degree which had been planned to be given to the latest and greatest medical mind in UY, Lubott’omi the Slightly Greasy, had been purloined from the main filing cabinet, most likely after it was melted by a presumably Draconian flame broiling.

Intent on finding evidence of the culprit, Slimtail proceeded to bust the place up for the second time, finding nothing important, not counting the small note with some letters on it stuffed under a cabinet, involving something about a scaly guitar.

Once again, the Draconian has been momentarily stumped by the working of the criminal mind, but we shall prevail, we shall find evidence to the culprit and soon sell lots of papers because we’ve solved the case.

Brett Sorethumb

Executive Reporter and Columnist  

The Weekly Draconian, 5/21/14

Enjoy the second installment of The Weekly Draconian, featuring columnist T.J. Minus of the province Arrknight, and world-renowned investigative journalist Glen Greenscale.

Wednesday, May 21

"Cristalitis" Epidemic Baffles Draconian Doctors

Columnist: T.J. Minus

Investigative Journalist: Glen Greenscale

We've all heard of cottontooth, Bootjaw kidney fever, and wyvern's rash, but a new flu is sweeping the provinces, and never has the like been seen by any doctor, doctor's assistant, apothecary, crazy draconian quack doctor, or hillbilly cannibal in existence. The recent breakout of what has been termed "Cristalitis," short for Cristalitis episophagocytositoma. No one has been able to recall any such sickness ever happening in the history of the world.

The symptoms are extremely painful. Says Scalpella the Surgeon, M.D. at Northern General Hospital, "The first signs of the disease are a sore throat and weak fire. From then on, it progresses to Stage 2, which is when the full growth of crystal forms in the spark pouch. It's characterized by the loss of the ability to breathe fire and extreme pain in speaking and swallowing. Stage 3 is when the growth hardens and seals itself to outside attack from the immune system."

This extremely painful illness has been ravaging the Northern Provinces, and no one is quite sure of the cause. The only clue is its regionality. Draconian officials have been quick to limit the disease's spread by creating a temporary no-fly zone to and from the provinces of Frizid, Denpeake, and Frostuay.

In hopes of finding the source and ending the quarantine, a team of top-notch field analysts have been deployed to examine the food and water supplies of the region, as well as environmental plant growth. They hope to find the cause, and possibly the cure, to this epidemic.

Says Scalpella, "Our best bet so far has been to rub goat soap on the throat to eliminate soreness and swelling. There has also been success with seaweed concoctions in diminishing the size of the crystalline growths on the insides of the patients' throats."

The hospital waits on pins and needles for the field analysts to come back with their discoveries, and hopefully put an end to the crystalitis crisis.

T.J. Minus,
Junior Columnist, Current Affairs

Puns for Active Mines

This post's title is an attempt at a pun, and my hopes for it to be explosive have obviously become dead in the water. These puns are some of the best I've seen, and most of the greatest I'll ever see.

Enjoy and comment below in the, um, comment box with your own puns and suggestions for future posts. Anything goes (no, we haven't changed the blog's motto to that).

1.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was

Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.

I thought I saw an eye - doctor on an Alaskan island,

but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3.

She was only a whisky - maker, but he loved her still.

4.

A rubber - band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class,

because it   was a weapon of math disruption.

5.

No matter how much you push the envelope,

it'll still be stationery.

6.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for   littering.

7.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.

Two silk worms had a race.

They ended up in a tie.

9.

A hole has been found in the nudist - camp wall.

The police   are   looking into it.

10.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to   the other:

'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

14.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:

'Keep off the Grass.'

15.

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 

17.

A backward poet writes inverse.

18.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts.

In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19 = . =

When cannibals ate a missionary,

they got a taste of religion.

20.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris,

you'd be in Seine.

21.

A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane.

The stewardess looks at him and says,

'I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and   says ,  'Dam!'

23.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't  have your kayak and heat it too.

24.

Two hydrogen atoms meet.

One says, 'I've lost my electron.'

The other says ,  'Are you sure?'

The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root - canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.

26.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends,

with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.