Welcome, readers of the Post! This week's edition of the Post involves a rather perplexing story involving two griffins, a baseball bat, and three fire-breathing dwarves from the kingdom of Quetzackortipakifarkle.
This past weekend a raging fire swept through several counties, devastating miles upon miles of precious property. Luckily, no one was hurt, except for little Tommy "Get-a-life" Whiner, who purportedly received a papercut during the evacuation. The fire devastated the land, however, leaving behind the question of whether this disaster occurred naturally or more unnaturally.
Says Fire Marshall Nick Colossus, "WE HAD SOME SUSPICIONS ABOUT SOME PEOPLE [in those counties] WHO HAD REPORTEDLY BEEN PLAYING WITH MATCHES AND WHATNOT, BUT THAT WASN'T REALLY MY GLASS OF EGGNOG, SO I GAVE THE INVESTIGATION TO FIREMAN SAM, MY DEPUTY."The tragic event, it turns out, was most probably caused by an outlandish domestic dispute up North in Pickle County. Allegedly, people heard shouts, roars, and gibberish insults on the night of the fire, all coming from 1734 Circus Way. Further investigation yielded intriguing results. Two griffins, Bob and Jim, lived in that house. They offered to go on record about what had happened that night.
"You see, dude," says Bob Griffin, "we invited some bros over to our house for a bash. It was, y'know, a troupe of four travelling dwarves who could, like, breathe fire or something. It was like, whoa, you know, and then there was the dinner, and I don't know, it was all, like, crazy, right, and I was like, 'Dude,' and Jim was like, 'Not gnarly, dude,' and the dwarves were like all, like, y'know, an' all."
From the enigmatic speech of the griffins, it was extracted that the griffin brothers had invited over four travelling dwarves who participated in some sort of circus act. While they were there, the dwarves and the griffins had a dispute over which Chinapanese takeout they should order. This dispute ended in violence, with the dwarves apparently attacking the griffin brothers Bob and Jim and using their fire breathing skills, and a nearby baseball bat, to their advantage. Needless to say, when things caught fire, everyone scattered. The griffins have no knowledge of the whereabouts of the four dwarves, but they are currently wanted by the police in several counties for causing this disastrous wildfire.
-That's all for today,
Dunwerrie Yuri Ngudhanzman