Monday, April 8, 2013

Exclusive Fantasy Interview - The ZMI

JTZ: Welcome to Iron Wyvern. Today we are pleased to continue our undead theme from the Undead Frog Quartet in introducing the ZMI. ZMI stands for "Zombie Maintenance Incorporated," a specialized elite group of mathematically gifted zombies who keep the land of the dead up to date on population, engineering, and emergency services. Today our guest is Torrbad Zelod, CEO of the company. Unfortunately, as a zombie, he is experiencing the bad after-effects of unhealthy teeth in life. Most of his mouth has decayed and withered away, and he will be speaking in sign language. We've hired an interpreter, Ed the Ghost.
Ed: That's me!
Torrbad: *grunt grunt* *makes hand motions*
Ed: Torrbad says, thank you for having me! Er-herm, that's the version with the least confusion. There's also, "Sincerest gratitudes  and to all and sundry gathered in such an humble even-gathering. This hodie I cannot wait to partake of felicitatious and complimentary foodstuffs and refreshing refreshments. I must--" Anyway, you get the point.
Torrbad: *glares at Ed and makes more rapid gestures, some very rude*
Ed: He says for me to apologize for embarrassing him and to explain that he died in the sixteenth century, when such a young whippersnapper as I was not even born, much less dead, yet. Sorry.
Torrbad: *makes garbled squealing sound and claps hands together until his arm falls off*
JTZ: Oh no! Here's your arm back, Mr. Torrbad, uh, we'll just stick it right there and--oh, no! Your foot! And your ear, and--ugh! Your eyeball fell out,'re COLLAPSING! Oh, no, uh, T, get the broom, would you, this might be messy.
Ed: I knew I should have stayed with my great-aunt in the land of the dead. Why did I have to apply for this stinking sign-language job? Oh, dear, did that rat just crawl out of his toe? Agh! It's on me! It's nibbling me--
JTZ: Ed, you're a ghost. And that's toejam. Come to think of it, *wrinkles nose* I'm not sure if a rat would have been worse...Well, anyway, Torrbad's completely collapsed. Uh, somebody called ZPI, er, Zombie Paramedical Institution...I suppose he was already dead, hehe...? Oh, T, good, you got a broom. We'll just sweep him...into a corner...
[The doorbell rings; JTZ runs to get it. At the outside of the door stands a zombie]
New Zombie: I'm Mr. Torrbad Zelod, sorry I'm late. The traffic was awful in the freeway between the worlds. Something involving a pigeon, a giant meatball, and a truck full of ethereal bananas...even I'm not sure what quite happened.
JTZ: Wait, you're Torrbad Zelod, CEO of ZMI?
Torrbad: ATM, FYI, LOL. Er, sorry, I'm used to text-talk. I'm a young zombie, just died recently because I texted while driving.
JTZ: Oh. You were in a car crash?
Torrbad: What? No! Of course not! I died of shock because I hit the text limit.
JTZ: Oh-kay........Well, come on in, I suppose. But then who's the zombie inside claiming to be you, and what's Ed the ghost doing here...?
Torrbad: WHAT???!!! You let ED THE GHOST INSIDE?! HE'S YOUR NUMBER ONE NEMESIS!!!! HE MUST HAVE DEVISED A PLOT TO...why am I speaking in all caps? Anyway, he must have devised a plot to get in here and steal your storyline for "The Draconian Letters" Book Two! We're all doomed! He'll leak it online!
JTZ: *gasps* What? We have to stop him! *rushes back in with the real Torrbad to find Ed with the storyline, cackling in glee*
Ed: Now I have it!!! Your plans are forever and ever doomed!!!
JTZ: Swiper, no swiping!!! Swiper, no swiping!!! SWIPER NO SWIPING!!!!!!!!!
Ed: Aw, maaaan! *drops documents and snaps fingers*
[Brief pause, followed by dramatic music as the Ghostbusters burst in and capture Ed]
Ghostbusters: Who you gonna call?
JTZ: Ghostbusters! Whew! That was a close one!
Torrbad: I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'M THE MAP!!!!

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