Letter Seven

My dear Smok,

It has come to my attention that you have been receiving advice from your other two uncles. Now, let me tell you something about your uncles.

Gargazath is a dolt; he has never accomplished anything in his life, yet he boasts of a private collection of golden knights’ helmets and a throne in the Borgard province made completely from diamond. He is fibbing, of course; Gargazath is a fool with two brains: one is missing, and the other has gone out looking for it.

Now, concerning your uncle Semithino, he is not right in the head; a soft-hearted fop, he raves over peace and delicacy, whereas a true dragon’s goals are terrification, jellification, hoardification, squashification, and eatification, as well as his or her ambition in rising to the supreme throne of all dragons (which you are not yet ready for). If all goes well, you should be remembered like Belligast the Bold, who took over seven provinces within three days, often sitting on the town halls and breathing a scalding layer of flame into the rest of the town. Those were the days when no dragon would ever question the principles of jellification, but yet you find Semithino, doing just that!

I implore you to ignore their counsel, especially that of Gargazath the Oaf. They are both fools, and should be avoided at all costs. If the need ever arose, I would gladly have jellificated both of them, but they are not a threat to me in my current esteemed position, and it would be beneath me.

Now, concerning your ailment. It seems that you have contracted cottontooth even though I warned you profusely of it. Did Gargazath tell you to eat cow and sheep all day? Yes, he has been through many sickness, one of which cannot be cured: idiocy. Gargazath is a dull-brained numbskull with a soft head; that is to say, his brain was jellificated without his body receiving harm.

But be wary of that snake Semithino; though he pretends to be wise and good, he actually plots behind everyone’s back. One time, if I had not stumbled over his plans to take over the whole world, we would all be eating trees by now. So be glad that he has not wiled you away into his deluded visions of peace with humanity.

-Your serpentine uncle,

Scaligar