Letter Fifty-Two

Smoggidus,

I have good news Smoggmaticus! My time at the asylum grows short, it seems that the board has gotten tired jealous of my ranting and insanity quick wit and devilish good looks and has begged (Mwahahahahah! I repeat, begged!) the neighboring province’s doctor, Hurdek the Physician to take my insane and annoying overbearing and incredible presence to his unworthy clutches.

He owns a notable psychiatric installment in the province of Whotheheckcares, and it seems that he will be coming to get me soon enough. But, I have a plan of escape, indeed! I have been conniving for three days straight and have figured out my escape, for you see, they will not be taking me to his hospital not by space ship or submarine as I thought for two and a half days as you might have suspected. And so, through many hours of thinking, I have realized that I will overpower the guards with my handy dandy Can of Ferret Bile deodorant, which I smuggled through customs many years back.

Indeed, they will no doubt have much less guards at the hospital, though their notable hypodermic needle sub-machine guns could pose a problem brablum. But I have a plan.

1: I’ll bash the guards flying me there with my above mentioned deoderant Can of Ferret Bile deodorant and fly away before they can recuperate and give chase.

Awesome awwsumm plan isn’t it? I thought thot so too. Well, now I must go prep my arsenal (Can of Ferret Bile deodorant, probably infected unfiggted lump of liver; and extra pairs of socks) before the under-bred undrbread guards come to take me away. Oh and all that stuff about me being insane ynzane? It’s all

Thine eyes are liken unto a squishy plum, freshly plucked from a blooming corn stalk in winter,

Thy lips are like swollen pools of hydrochloric acid, with toilet paper spires clogging the sunset

Thine armpits

bogus bogguce, and I say again, BOGUS!

Farewell varwull for the present.

Gargadag 

Letter Forty-Nine

Smok,

You told the authorities of my whereabouts warribootts didn’t you??!! You sniveling piece of CENSORED. I know this because the Yovi law-keepers did NOT find me slumped over a Yovi bar with fourteen empty pints sitting before me! I refused to come quietly, but after listening to my burning and intellectually intillectuualleuy awesome insults around the subject of their mothers’ undergarments they did NOT beat and cudgel kudjull me, then flew me (after an interval inturrvul of punch-the-face and come-get-the-branding-iron) back to that cursed sanatorium sanutoreeyum.

Have you ever heard of their chamber of uncomfortable interrogation ynturryugashun? Well, neither had I, but I sure as Belligast noticed it when the stupid guards dragged me down there, strapped me to the Chair of Chumminess (I hate those comedians) and proceeded with 34ooo, 564 and a half interrogative tortures. They call it the Insane Dragon Tortures for reasons reezuns they wouldn’t tell me and are beyond me.

I shall never forgive you, Smok; it is because of you that I had to experience the first seven tortures, consisting of:

1.         Squirting soap into some of the more sensitive sendzidivv of my bodily limbs and apertures appurchurrz.

2. Whacking the recipient with a big ol’ stick.

The Rest: you really rheellie don’t want to know.

After these taxing and unde quite frankly, embarrassing umbaruzzing tortures to yours truly. (I mean, who would woode think the stupid torturer torchurrurr would get tired and take a lunch break, leaving me with torture six to deal with? By the way torture six was holding hulldinge a basket of food above the torturee’s head, I was sourly tempted tumpded) After this they dragged me back to my ‘room’ and left me there, mentioning menshunnin something about me not being insane enough for the rest of the tortures torchurrs.

I simmered there for three whole days, occasionally owekazhonully visited by guard dragons carrying the spectacular meal of gruel; known to some of the sanatorium’s bad dragons as Senile Slop, eggs and bacon; both woven from leather, and water, in a nice big cup and always homesteaded by demised insects of several unidentifiable races.

While in my simmerus state I have come up with a working hypothesis hipothizeez; you are a worthless wurthluzz nephew nevue, if I were you I’d want to change back into you iew who is me. I would even break brakke off all contact with you but I won’t, only because my water closet has an abundance unbundunss of vellum used for not-her-mentioned rather rathurr important rituals richualz.

But, to torture your soul, I shall cut off contact temporarily tempurrarrillie and let you boil in the pot of betrayal until I see fit to start anew our correspondence.

Your  awesome auzumm, powerful, all-powerful, power draining, Incredible uncruddybull, fearful, ferocious furrozhuz, terrible, fear inducing, imposing, omnipotent, clear minded, outspoken, infamous, wel speld, overbearing, great, clairvoyant klarrvoiyiunt, humble and modest moddizt uncle
Gargazath

Letter Forty-Six

Smok,

I escaped! From that vile pit of slimy sliminess and slimy slime, and have since concocted a offhand plan (brilliant brellyunt as always) where I bribed a pack of goblins into squashing themselves into a box and being sent to Semithino, and to make this devious plan even deviouser I marked the box with Scaligar's private seal which I have not obtained ubtannd by breaking into the dragon bank and then breaking into his safety deposit box and stealing it, but through polite conversation. After this I flew to the island of Bootjaw, Land of the Drakes, have you learned of Bootjaw and the Drakes? If not let me enlighten your fiercely inadequate inudiquitt brainal capacity kupasittie.

            The Drakes: stunted creatures partly resembling dragons except that dragons drukins remain wart free, and possess the small decency to refrain breaking wind at the slightest notion; the Drakes all have not been blessed by this gift.

            The Drake Empire began when their first leader Iq (Spelled I.Q.), the wisest and smartest of the Drakes won over an island and thenceforth named it Bootjaw, and claimed it as the Land of the Drakes.

            Unfortunately unfertunittlie Iq (Spelled I.Q.) was the only Drake created who could count past four, and so when he finally kicked it, the other less-smart Drakes usurped the throne.

            From then on it only got worse wurz, the descendants of the first Drakes could use only one syllable words in their sentences, such was the diminutiveness dyminnyutivvnuz of their brain’s, also their children’s names all now end in ‘Unt’ for obvious reasons.

            When I finally fynullie reached the island I was met by a mind scarring sight of fifty thousand Drakes carrying out a horrible show of misinterpreted Yoga. But when they saw my esteemed ezteamed self breasting a rise they all thankfully cut off the disgusting descusting ritual and rushed to me.

            When I told them my name they of course prostrated themselves before me because of my prowess in public speaking I HEAR YOU WENT ON A HONEY WORM HUNT, A FINE HAUL I HEAR and definitely devinatully not because of the number of syllables sillubuls in my name, and then proceeded prowseedud to give me piles of gold and silver silvurr and mounds of fruit and Gunk (this is their local form of alcohol alkohhaul which they concoct kunkauct by scraping the moss and slime off of the seabed stones) on the rocks. I tried some of the liquid and came to my senses three days later, dancing on the heads of a pile of howling Drakes doing the Conga.

            After this, though thowe admittedly it is quite fuzzy fussie, we tramped to the duke’s castle on the Hill of Hunk and threw the lord (Bikro, the One of the Two Syllables)out the tower window, then threw his throne after him, and replaced it with one made from moldy cheese, which would serve as my throne, as I was the one being crowned with the Crown of Glop to be the new lord of the land.

            Soon after this I told the Drakes of my friend Blizdiblundikus, and then ordered them to pile a ship high with my riches then let me sail off with their entire livelihood to bring back their new king, Blizdiblundikus Flyeencompast. They have since done this and now that I am away I am sailing for Yovi to buy a homestead there with all my stolen obtained gold.

            Don’t you dare tell the authorities awthorytees or your blasted uncle Scaligar.

            Your WHAT IN ALL THE BLAZING COUCH CUSHIONS AM I DOING WRITING THIS LETTER. I DON’T EVEN KNOW THIS SMOK PERSON something uncle,

            Gargazath

Letter Forty-Three

Smok,

Guess what nephew nevue of mine? I have a plan to escape ezgap! And it is such a devious deeveeus plan that I forgot it three times then had to write on the wall using am amazed emayzzed at my own genius jiniuzz. You should be taking takkang notes.

But I’ve said too much.

Well, on yaonn to the plan. What I’m going to do; mwahahahahahaha! is this.

But I’ve said too much.

I’m going to collapse golapzze in my cell, yell to the guards that I’m clearly glurrlie dead, and then wait until the layman laimann come and heave me out of the accursed aggurzde asylum. But then, I’m going to tell them thummg that dead guys always need a bathroom buthrumm break, and so they’ll take me back in, and then I’ll wake up, smash their heads together togothurr and run away, Probably probliie to preach to the world of the nine great wonders vundegrsxd.

But I’ve said way too much.

Oh, and by the way, have you ever heard of a dragon druggin named Igthor of the Expensive Dental Work? Because bekuzzes he’s in the next cell over and he seems undecided yundizidud whether or not I’m his son zunh. Oh, and he also cleans his dentures dantures daily in a pool of something that casts off a stench that turned several of my wing scales gray.

Your awesome, powerful, all powerful, power draining, Insane up to a point not seen since Barbung tried to steal his own underwear(The guards put that there. Ill-informed clap-trap. They all forget that I was trying to steal his undergarments I was preaching in churches at the time) Incredible, fearful, ferocious, terrible, fear inducing, brain warping, flittering, fluttering, buzzing, omnipotent, clear minded, outspoken, infamous, wel speld, overbearing, great, clairvoyant, humble and modest uncle

Gargazath

Letter Forty

Smok,

Lately I have come upon the information ynformatunn that you plan on getting rid of six rogue draconic dragenik dragons who have invaded Frostuay Province and Byrenion fortress furtrezz.

I agree with this decision dezizhun whole-heartedly, though I may have to tweak the overall plan some. Especially the part where warre I heard that you wish to HELP the villagers vylajurs out of danger, and not squash and dice and burn them after you slaughter the dragon dracgun outlaws!

This is hardly the way to tew grow your reputation repewtazzeoun my pea-brained nephew nevuew. The best way would be to stomp several towns to charred splinters spiunturzz, kill a few dragons (preferably emaciated ones to preserve bodily limbs and functions) then settle down with worshippers wurszippers groveling at your claws.

Now, back to the subject subbgekt of the endangered province provenzce, I have a few fabulous tips on the ways to incapacitate the band of dragons, and invaluable invalubll information on their cave defenses.

First on the cave defenses; the first and foremost formoztt defense is a number of scale piercing spikes halfway through the waterfall guarding the cave that will impale any dragon that does not know the safe path through the danger zone zsonne.

The second obstacle ubstakle appears in the form of several wide slits that exude great amounts of boiling magma magemaa once the unwitting dragon trips over the bull hide trip wire. Instant boilification!

The last and most dangerous obstacle is a small tunnel with numerous ruptures in the walls which explode with fire when the dragon protecting the lair snorts an inferno into a long horn connected to the holes, instant crispy critter, even a dragon.

Now that were finished with that lets continue konntynew with my mentoring on how to assassinate the rogues in the most bloodthirsty, deforming, smashing, disgusting, and completely inappropriate ynuprpreett and dragonish way.

Option 1: A sure way of destroying the dragons would be this option, where you would be entitled to “accidentally” cause an avalanche of boulders which incidentally ynkiduntallee are wrapped in oiled and flaming rags (might be a tad hard to explain to the Duke) over the outlaws waterfall, thus trapping them in, and the noxious fumes would kill them eventually, gruesome of course, I mean I have to live up to my name and all.

Option 2: This is the one I recommend rekkumand most, to barge into the cave and blow fire and slash your claws until all is gone, then for a lasting impression perhaps purappz relieve yourself on the floor.

Option 3: There isn’t one.

Well, I hope you have learned many things from my enlightening enleitening and heavenly parchments nephew, for they are the most poetic potik missives that have ever left this forsaken asylum in which I unjustly remain!

Farewell my misled idiot nephew,

Your STILL DEFINITELY NOT INSANE, awesome, powerful, all powerful, power draining, Incredible, fearful, ferocious, terrible, fear inducing, brain warping, flittering, fluttering, buzzing, omnipotent, clear minded, outspoken, infamous, wel speld, overbearing, great, clairvoyant, humble and modest uncle

Gargazath

P.S. Oh, I forgot to mention, I had a ripping fun tea party with Blizzdiblundicus the other day, and we were having a great time when the guard appeared and tore it apart shouting garbled sentences about talking to walls and not to be leaving for three hundred years, preposterous prypuzturuzz of course!

Letter Thirty-Five

This is the real thing.

---------

Smok,

I have heard of late that your two conniving cunivinn uncles have sent letters latturs that cover me over with jibes and insults. It is just like them to take advantage addvantuj of me while imprisoned through false workings (likely to be the work of you idiot relative Scaligar skailigurr) in this stinking hovel of a residence.

I assure you once again agann I am NOT insane, your twin barf bags of uncles’ anklls are just trying to undermine ungdermyne HOW IS YOU BUTTERFLY? IS IT NICE AND PINK OR BAD AND YELLOWL my stature in the dragonish draggnich courts.

I can see why they are attempting this folly folie. Their stature is quite laughable compared to my esteemed place.

Now, continuing with your mentoring munterrinn.

First, continue konttynew chewing large bones of your kills, especially toe and/or finger joints, which make excellent flossies.

Second, I demand you stomp out this immature benevolent bunevoulant phase and come back to treading the rightful path, RRRRRRRRRRRRRRAMPAGING!!!!!

Eat them all! Kill Them All! Hoard them all! That’s MY motto mottttue. Though I once tried it on a bet with unsavory results.

Thirdly, you must at once purchase Ferret Bile Mouth Freshener and have huvvv it EVERY morning before you go on rampage. It is the best for breathing in the faces of damsels damnzuls in distress. You wouldn’t BELIEVE the screaming. It makes my heart lighter even thinking about it.

Fourthly, you must avoid Flight Lag, a well-known ailment alminnt that strikes young dragons frequently and painfully. It has many effects, including iynklewding retching, stomach stumak aches, uncomfortable flatulence flatalenzz and cramps. So to avoid this side effect you must marinate one of your severed toes in vinegar in a solid silver cauldron kuldrung at the night of the half moon while beating on conga drums, whistling the Drake National Anthem and squashing ten and a half frogs.

Daunting donntingg though it may be, to make it work strongly it would be best to also ten seconds afterward avterword don a cloak of canary feathers, boil a pot of eel spleens and dingo beaks and then eat them, perfect cure. Works EVERY TIME!   

Oh, by the by! Have you EVER met my mie good friend Blizzdiblundikuss Flyseencompast? He is the best pal. I share my cell with him. Though I didn’t notice him until my third day, he just seemed to pop out at me. He hye and I have long conversations converzashuns except he keeps a strangely stony and rock hard silence. He also has a beautiful beeutyfol pattern on his wings that look exactly like the cracks on our walls walzz.

Your STILL DEFINITELY NOT AILING FROM THAT BLIGGADIGADASH THING, awesome, powerful, all-powerful, power draining, Incredible, fearful, ferocious, terrible, fear inducing, imposing, omnipotent, clear minded, outspoken, infamous, wel speld, overbearing, great, clairvoyant, humble and modest uncle

Gargazath

Letter Thirty-Two

Smok,

This will surprise you greatly, but I was encumbered enkumbrrd the night before last by a group of dragons from that stupid stopeed madhouse. If it had not been for the earliness of the hour, they would not have been able to squash me under three mattresses matrezzs, knock me silly, then shackle me to a board and drag me... No, they wouldn’t woodent have been able to.

I also recognized your conniving uncle mixed in with the crowd of slobbering malcontents who bush-wacked booshwakd me. I recognized him souly because he was the one who sat atop thhe mattresses while I was claped in irons, the vile toad! If I Iye ever get my hands on him, I’ll flay him fro his very skin!

Well, after I was unjustly taken dragged from my cave, they hauled and bumbed and banged me ALL 8 miles to the stupid sanitarium sannitoriumm.

Then they flung my battered body into eentw a tiny cell with rusty bars protecting the window.

Three days I was left there! THREE! LONG! SMELLY! HORRIBLE DAYS!! Then at last they came to the door to give me some food and drink. I attempted to escape ezgap but in my extremely weakened state they merely cracked me on the head with a cudgel and left me seething.

And after 2 more days, they had the gall to hammer a plaque onto my door stating—and I quote kwot—Gargazath the Permanently Unstable Until Further notice!

I shall say no more, but I will continue kontinew to correspond with you; however many things Scaligar & Semithino attempt to do to undermine my glorious prestige presstije.

You’re STILL DEFINITELY NOT INSANE, awesome, powerful, Incredible, fearful, ferocious, terrible, fear inducing, omnipotent, clear minded, outspoken, infamous, wel speld, overbearing, great, clairvoyant, humble and modest uncle

Gargazath

Letter Twenty-Nine

Smok,

I have come upon the information informashun that Burgrath Riptail stabbed you in the back down in Urway while on your immature Scaligar-induced soft rampage, and I cannot say anything but I told you so, brickheaded relative.

I expressly recall warning you not to team up with the likes of Burgrath Riptale, or any other sort of serpent surpant like him.

I myself learned not to trust any dragon when I was around your age, when I had teamed up with Sanatath the Immense (then known as Sanath the Skinny) and worked up quite a rampage in the adjoining towns of Arrknight, Baknom, Trevilh and Tipidyss.

But after my tenth rampage alongside Sanatath the twig-bodied, pea-brained weiner attacked me from behind, sat on me, and gorred me with his cursed spiked tail.

But; I paid payyd him back!

The next night I snuck into the Vitriolic Slug Pub, and while Sanatath was draped over the counter, wasted by gold beer, I booted and bumped and beat him to within an inch a hundredth of an inch of his pigish mortality.

He is now overweight, obese, and quite FAT. Or at least that’s what he told me in a friendly letter what I heard from a source unnamed.

Well, nephew Smok. I hope that this particular incident will have cleared your mind of any biased notions slipped in by your twin idiot ucles.

You’re DEFINITELY NOT INSANE, Incredible, fearful, ferocious, terrible, fear inducing, omnipotent, clear minded, outspoken, infamous, wel speld, overbearing, great, clairvoyant, humble and modest uncle
Gargazath

Letter Twenty-Six

Smok,

Lately I have come upon the information through situations that I assure you did not involve mugging the postal dragon, I found that your blasted uncle Scaligar sent you a letter requesting that you begin learning Math. MATH! The bane of the true dragon, no self-respecting dragon would stand for that.

Such was my righteous anger that I at once returned to my cave, devised a devious plan, then flew on silent wings to your math-loving uncles residence to teach him a much needed lesson on the true dragonish ways.

. .

Here follows my account of the unfortunate and frankly embarrassing adventure at your blasted uncle’s cave. And I must insist that you do not publish this or tell it to any of my more esteemed acquaintances.

. .

I reached Scaligar’s cave soon- -my wings being the faultless, streamlined implements that they are- -and crept inside.

My plans had been to drop a bookshelf on top of him, but upon investigating his stingy lair, I realized he did not possess any bookshelves!

But after further searching, I found that your foolish uncle possesses strewn on his floor the tools to make a good sturdy bookshelf.

It took me perhaps an hour to build the shelf beside his bed, but as I was finishing, and hammering in the final nail, your cursed uncle awoke and pushed the heavy bookshelf over on ME!

Thereafter your puny, excuse-for-an-honorable-dragon proceeded to attack my defenseless person.

The fight that raged on after that was mostly one-sided due to my injured state, and contained many dishonorable moments in which you uncle stuffed boards down my throat, and leapt up & down on my back.

After this, he had the GALL to drag me to his stinking, smelly, unkempt cave-mouth and hurled me from it!

I need not record my journey back to my lair, it being the long and pained crawl that it was.

But now that I am back, I will not rest until BOTH of your insolent, sniveling uncles begs my forgiveness, and I have given them the thrashing they so richly deserve.

But for the moment, I must rest, and scheme.

Your seething Uncle,

Gargazath  

Letter Twenty-Three

Smok,

Perhaps you have been wondering why I have abstained from writing to you for the last five days. Allow me to explain, FULLY!

Whilst I was awaiting the arrival of Semithino under the Bridge of Yovi where I had planned to express my rage categorically and painfully to him, I was attacked, assaulted, ambushed in foul play by a dragon disguised as the stream running under the bridge. Due to my state of surprise only, was he able to haul me unceremoniously into the lower rafters of the rickety bridge, and after a ferocious battle of struggling and slashing, he left me hanging from the bridge by a mass of chains, hooks, and cables.

I remained there three entire days and nights, until I managed to burn and melt my way out of the chains, and while I was detaching myself from the tangle of encompassing ropes and chains, the cursed bridge collapsed on me. Fracturing both my wings, and putting a severe crick in my neck that I will be feeling for months.

This setback took me a further three hours to extricate myself from and then I had to endure the utter shame of hobbling back to my cave, on foot. Thereafter I retired to my treasure cave, and in a day, only by way of my fiery indifference to pain was I able to write you this letter.

I am truly seething now, my lust for revenge will not by dampened until such time that the trickster Semithino begs my forgiveness, and if not for my current injuries I would burn his hillock cave to ashes then feast on his broken remains.

Furthermore, I am putting my claw down; you are forbidden to except letters from that stunted fop. And once I recover, my wrath will become unbridled, and I will do such things to him that you cannot imagine. 

Continuing on to other subjects, I have come upon the information that Scaligar is counseling you in new and foul ways of terrorizing villages without even killing every soul in it, but leaving survivors!

No true terrificating dragon would use such base play.

You must hoard them all, eat them all, regurgitate them all, kill them all, and then eat them all again!

I must insist once more that you continue with your rampage, how else will you become an infamously terrible and smushificating dragon? From recent reports, I have come on the news that you have left near half of the population alive in each town, that will only give them a sense that you are too weak to destroy an entire village.

Also I have heard that Scaligar is advising you on joining up with other dragons. That would be unwise nephew, all dragons seek their own gain, and no dragon in its right mind would join up with another without Smushificating him from behind, you must kill all opposing dragons, leaving none alive!

I will be writing soon to mentor you further in the noble art of smashing in the heads of enemies.       

 You’re Incredible, fearful, ferocious, terrible, fear inducing, omnipotent, clear minded, outspoken, infamous, wel speld, overbearing, clairvoyant, humble, wrathful, jellificating, smushificating and modest uncle

Gargazath