The Weekly Draconian: 7/23/14. Issue #3.

Stolen M.D. Tied to Convicted Felon; Cristalitis Cured

Columnist: J. Edgar Spinetail
Editor: Krala the Terror

As cristalitis raged across the provinces these past few weeks and doctors raced to find a cure, the fiasco of the stolen medical doctorate was pushed into third-page headlines. However, a new incident came to light connecting the two events.

Book Two Letter Thirty-Nine

My Dearest Nephew,

You went out on a date with Limmie the Mildly Cute?! What a horrible idea! No doubt one of your uncles suggested it? Come on, fess up, which one was it? Never mind, you can tell me in your next letter. Just whatever you do, don’t take anymore courting advice from your uncles.

            Have you decided on your choice for your new home Province? You didn’t decide to move North did you? Oh, and don’t move South either, too close by far to Yovi. You might be well advised to look around the area of the Higard Province, wait, your uncle Scaligar suggested Higard too didn’t he? Whatever you do, don’t stray too near to Higard, it’s a horrible place.

Dragon in the Snow

When the mountains don their caps,

As the forests gain their covers,

White abounds o’er all the land,

Frost bound hills like icy brothers.

While the people rush indoors,

Fleeing the wind that outside sings,

All but one warm safe inside,

This single creature spreads its wings.

Frosty scales, and icy claws,

Silver wingtips, golden eyes,

Taking to the restless winds,

Beneath the Dragon all land lies.

Swooping in the sky’s embrace,

Wings widespread to catch the breeze,

Skimming o’er the snow cloaked fields,

Alone but for the endless freeze.

Alone above the endless snows,

The Dragon dives to the ground below,

And with a roar that shakes the skies,

Fire bursts across the snow.

Weekly Post

Anouncer: Today we are going to do something different, as is the way of Iron Wyvern. This time we are merging a Weekly Post with an Exclusive Fantasy Interview. For you see, we are captioning our discussions with our names, given titles, preferred mascot names, or thrice wretched nick-names. And we shall be jumping from several titles as we go along.

          Today, in the first of, I hope, many of these amazing posts, we shall be discussing emotions attached to bank tellers, their daily quips, and deposit tubes.

J.T.Z. Baner: Well, today, as you know, we shall be discussing the many levels of the art of Bank tellers, and their customers. Today we welcome to our ranks, not Sanguinox the Vampire schizophrenic, nor Sean the violent minded leprechaun, or me, buuuuuuuut……Psychiatrist Joe! If you could see me you’d note that then I’m flourishing my hands unashamedly, and grinning like a fool on stupid pills. 

Joe: Well, thank you J.T.Z I can say without a doubt, I’ve never had a welcome like this, and especially not a proprietor wearing boxers, and, uh; a questionable clean…Is that a baby bib?

J.T.Z: Why yes it is, it’s just my usual end of Halloween dress up. And I thought we were talking about Bank tellers.

Joe: Why yes we are, indeed. A-hem! Well, as a psychiatrist I know how to sense pent-up emotions, and I like to investigate. And I have realized that a great number of individuals go to the bank drive-thru just to let it go.

          Example: “Ohhhh! My tooth aches and my leg is killing me, and my cousin died, and, and, WAAAAH! BOO-HOO!” *blows nose violently on depositing check*

J.T.Z: Ah, well. That’s interesting, I’ve never seen that happen, but I don’t go to Banks much, all with, heheh, a rather skimpy bank account if you know what I mean. Well, what about the Bank teller’s reaction to these outbursts?

Joe: Well, I’m glad you asked, and I’ll go into it at long length…

J.T.Z: *Groan* I had a science teacher like this…

Joe: Oh, there’s no need to thank me, I do it all the time. Well, yes. The mystery of the Bank teller; from what I’ve gathered from close observation is that their reaction is surprisingly sedated, I mean, every single day they come and say; (Adopts high squeaky voice) ‘Hi, how are you today?’ in that voice of theirs. And always the answer is (Adopts deep, brooding growl) ‘Fine and/or okay’. I swear they’d say the same thing if a bullet riddled car muscles up to the window.

          Example:  

Bank Teller: “Hi, how are you today?”

Customer: “Aaaah! My car’s on fire, I’m being followed by my ex-boyfriend, *Sob* and these shoes don’t match!”

Bank Teller: “Yes, that’s great, and you want this in fifties right?”

J.T.Z: Wow, that heavy duty stuff. I think my bib just incinerated from the tension, that’s gonna scar…

Joe: yes, they are amazingly inattentive. They could have given Napoleon $500 in tens, Hitler in fifties, and shined a few terrorists’ shoes for good measure. It’s true, eye witnesses are available.

J.T.Z: Whoa, your kind of a weird psychiatrist, I’m getting major déjà vu, are you related to any leprechauns? Because if you are; I am not armed, and I’d really like that box over there to stay securely in its space of operation.

Joe: I take my profession very seriously J.T.Z and yes in fact, I have a cousin named Sean who says he knows you.

J.T.Z: Aaaaah! Nooooo! *ZOOOOOOOOOOM!*

Joe: Wow, look at him go. Boy, I thought that doors hinges would be a bit sturdier. Holy! Was that a hot dog stand he just vaulted? That sun cannot be good for him. Oops, snagged his boxers on a fishing hook, aaand, he’s in the duck pond…

Several Reliable Tips on Identifying and Controlling a Vampire or Werewolf Victim

  Tips on identifying a young child bitten by a Lycanthrope (Werewolf):

1: If he/she has a diabolical craving for certain crunchy dog treats

2: If he/she is growing a premature beard…All over his/her body. Alternative: If he/she takes mysterious bathroom breaks on every full moon that last for hours.

3: If he/she needs a good scratch on the chin before you can give him/her his/her milk bottle.

4: If he/she visits www.howtobakeahumaninabigol’quiche.com, all the time.

5: If he/she is found buried in Baking pachyderms: A beginners guide.

Tips on controlling your average werewolf victim:

1: Lock him/her in a padded room every full moon. Suggestion: Ignore calls for bathroom breaks, despite the inevitable consequences.

2: Go to your window, open it, and scream until you sprain both lungs. Hey it worked for Jack Bubdy! Except…He had a brain tumor, and a bullet wound. In his cranium. Persistent chap wasn’t he…

3: Find the werewolf responsible. And threaten that you’ll shove its head in a particularly grimy commode until he comes up with the non-existent cure.

4: Abandon the house, burn it to the ground, then put it out. Then light it again, the smash it with a crane, then empty a crate of quiche on it.

A few choice advisory tactics on how to identify a young vampire victim:

1: If he/she resembles a man liken unto a can of Mayonnaise, white as a ghost, sickly as an American!

2: If his/her room is piled with books with titles such as The Bloodsucking manual: A failsafe guide to draining victims and The Nocturnes Guide to household Hors D’oevres.  

3: A sure sign is him/her cremating some particularly pungent shish kebabs.

4: If you catch him/her singing a song known simply as Pop goes the jugular vein.

How to peg those who’ve been bitten by a Vampire:

1: Bake him in a garlic soufflé. Unusual, but effective.

2: Make him watch Dracula, over, and over, and over. How this helps I am yet to understand.

3: Take him camping, make him set up the tent, which has a mysteriously abundant source of homing stakes.

4: We apologize. But the man who was supposed to write this tip was eaten.

We hope you have enjoyed this masterfully written piece of pure art. And we hope you will use these tips to identify your neighborhood monsters. Except that one about dumping quiche on ruins. The source of that particular one is in the midst of complete cranial meltdown.

Written by Madame futsbrokken