Last Day to First Day!

Dear Readers, Followers, cart managers, and hamster barristers.

As you've read, we included ourselves in last years Camp NaNoWriMo, the summer version for the November trial to write.

But this year, the Camp has become so popular that it has expanded out of the warm spells to the month of April, and we've all three decided to do ti again this year!

As this is the day ramping up to the midnight strike starting, we thought we'd give one more before-April post before we unsheathe our pens, bare our computers, and do battle with the terrible Sore Thumbs, the juggernaut Writer's Block, and the well named, inescapable force, Deadline.

As something for you to think about, here is the schedule for what new, old and middle aged things we will put forward probably in April, and certainly in May.

The Weekly Draconian: An innovation to the Draconian World, giving interviews with well-known Draconian persons, closeup stories on the latest scandals, adverts, and distinct intelligence into

The Draconian Letters: Messrs. Trubodox, Semithino and Scaligar will be back in fully fledged glory as they come together to rescue a misunderstood damsel, fight like ferrets in a bag for the sunday paper, and continue to barrage Smok with advice, intel, harrowing tales and outright crossbow threats.

The Riddle Ogre: Sometime or other our procrastinations will fall short and we'll finish the story.

Exclusive Fantasy Interviews: The blog will host several more unusual characters, sporting strange tails, stranger tales, and sometimes even interesting perspectives.

Riddling Derbies: Yet again we shall come, we shall see, and we shall solve some more of the various riddles and poetical puzzles we stake to the board.

Short Stories: As ever, we'll shoe horn in a few novellas, maybe some poetry, and with only a few lumps in them.

Thats all for now, and quite enough for anytime.

As Caesar would say, Jacta Alaea Esto.

Let the games begin.

Exclusive Fantasy Interview

J.T.Z.: Today we have with us a very special guest: the Dragon Aurius! So good to have you with us today, Mr. Aurius.

Aurius: It’s good to be here, J.T.Z. The cave gets a bit damp at times and becomes rather uncomfortable. Nice to get into a dry place now and then.

J.T.Z.: I would imagine. Now, about that cave you mentioned. When a Dragon is searching for a good home, what kind of habitat would you suggest for them?

Aurius: Well, if a Dragon doesn’t mind the damp, the seaside is usually a good place. Nice fresh air, lots of fish to eat and of course the bonus that there might be a few sunken Galleons full of treasure in the cove. I myself found a nice canyon, dry most of the time with a bit of damp here and there, lots of shade if you need it but plenty of sunlight up on the canyon ridge.

 I hear that some favor the island habitat. It’s a pretty good place to live, ‘sept there’s always the chance of eating a poisonous root of some sort, or a mushroom with sinister properties. Just look at what happened to that Dragon in that story book, ate a rabbit who’d just gorged itself on Dragon’s Bane and died soon after, horrible end, long and painful. What was the name of that story? Had a ship in it and? Some guy named Casper? And another guy, useless I think he was called? Got himself turned into a Dragon on an island? Then some lion turned up and gave him a bath and he turned back to normal? Oh never mind, I’ll remember later. 

Point is desert islands are more trouble than they’re worth, life is too precious to pay it in return for fresh pineapple.

J.T.Z.: Inspiring words, Mr. Aurius and I’m sure that many young Dragons out there have just got a few very valuable pointers on a good place to find their home. Now, about food situations for a Dragon. Tell me, do the knights get stuck in your teeth?

Aurius: AAAUUUH! You have no idea! The bones just wiggle in between your teeth and when you can’t get them out; your breath starts to smell like rotting human, never a good thing on a first date. Fortunately, the bones are usually quite easy to remove as the knights usually come equipped with toothpicks.

J.T.Z.: You mean, their swords and spears?

Aurius: Precisely. Also, I have found that one’s breath can be improved greatly when you start gargling with brimstone. The smell quite overlays that of a knight and is highly attractive to female Dragons. Although I hear that some Dragons put on so much that Dragon hunters can track them by following the smell. That is just a really stupid thing to do. All you need is a little bit to make your breath smell good.

J.T.Z.: Interesting pointer on hygiene, I hope you’re listening all your Dragons out there. Now, about the maiden sacrifice thing. What is the point in it?

Aurius: Ah, now there is something that we Dragons usually don’t tell. However, I suppose I must make an exception while on the air.

J.T.Z.: Yes, you must!

Aurius: Don’t get pushy or I shan’t tell!

J.T.Z.: Okay, okay, I didn’t mean to get pushy. Please tell us this secret of the Dragons.

Aurius: That’s more like it. Very well. Most people think that we Dragons actually eat the girls we demand as sacrifice. We do not in fact. We Dragons have been in the elopement aiding business for centuries. Imagine this, there’s a girl in a little village who’s betrothed to marry some slob, but she’s in love with this other boy. What does she do? Her parents aren’t gonna let her marry this other guy. All seems lost! But then, Dragon to the rescue! The girl comes to her local Dragon and tells him about her problem. The Dragon and her concoct a plan and she goes back to the village where she tells her boyfriend all about it. Few days later, dragon comes over the horizon roaring and threatening mayhem unless he is given this girl as a sacrifice. The parents agree and the girl is carted off to the dragon who carries her off to his cave where she stays and waits for a day until her boyfriend, apparently driven mad with grief over the death of the girl and goes off to battle the dragon, tragically dying in the attempt supposedly. In reality, the girl and her boyfriend are taken to another village by the Dragon where they can get married in peace. A happy ending!

J.T.Z.: I assumed that this is not all done for free?

Aurius: That would be a safe assumption to make. Where do you think we get out hoards?

J.T.Z.:…Um…I don’t know, I always kind of assumed you got it from the knights you killed or the castles you plundered.

Aurius: The knights?! Are you daft?! Yeah, the knights are all gonna carry great big purses of gold when they go to fight the Dragon. Yeah right. We don’t attack castles! What idiot would attack the castles?! Those guys have mounted repeater crossbows and catapults that fire barrels of water! Don’t laugh, that stuff will play havoc with your inner fires. Stop laughing! I said STOP! Alright, I’m outa here. If you can’t behave like an adult, I’m leaving.

J.T.Z.: Wait (snicker, snort) I wasn’t laughing at you (hee, hee, hee) I was laughing with (chortle chuckle) with (har, har, ho, ho) Oh never mind.

Exclusive Fantasy Interview

Interviewer: J.T.Z. Baner

Interviewee: Secret Agent Spink

Z. Baner: Welcome back to another interesting, intriguing, intricate and ind—

Agent Spink: Get to my part, you narcissist!

Z. Baner: Ah, yes. Let us, without further ado, welcome our guest to the proverbial chair for our next interview.......SECRET AGENT SPINK!!

Agent Spink: why is the chair proverbial?

Z. Baner: Performance tax, expenses are up and intakes are down. Let’s just say we’ll welcome you to the visceral stool of enlightenment. See how it glows!

Agent Spink: is that white paint and glitter glue?

Z. Baner: Mind your own business!

Agent Spink: You wanna piece o’ me! Comm’on! BINKAWADOOOOOO!!!!!!!<(ancient Bulgarian food fight rouser)

J Baner: Anyway!*(give the man back his toupee, Z)*Lets get back onto this show. So; Mr. Spink, what is your exact line of work?

Agent Spink: Well, I run an agency incorporating several Secret Agent Spink artisans, including my own TV show, Secret Agent Spink fitness equipment, Secret Agent Spink action figures, and even I even run the Secret Agent Spink Super Hair Toupee shop—

Z. Baner: Dang right, that hairpiece looked like horsehair.

Agent Spink: I do not wear a toupee, my fine example of an equestrian posterior.

Z. Baner: Keep it up baldy, and you’ll be opening a Spink Skin Graft shop soon…

J. Baner: Lets change the subject shall we?

Agent Spink: Gladly.

J. Baner: So, Mr. Spink, what exactly is your TV show about?

Agent Spink: Well, its ‘bout my adventures with several sidekicks who die at the end of each episode.

J. Baner: How, er, sadistic.

Agent Spink: I’ve had Bobin, Tonkto, Super-Duper Boy, and the Kid Bash, all dying tragically at the end of the last scenes. Usually they get dunked in lava or get dared to have a staring contest with Chuck Norris.

J. Baner: Ooooh, incinerated the ole irises, eh?

Agent Spink: Yes, and the soundtrack is the best. Here, I’ve got a tape of it….

DAA-DA-DA-DAAA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DAA-DA-DA-DAAAA—

Z. Baner: Dude, that’s the ‘Lone Ranger’ soundtrack.

Agent Spink: It is not!

Z. Baner: Is too, you track thief.

Agent Spink: Is not.

Z. Baner: Is too!

Agent Spink: Is not!

Z. Baner: IS TOO!

Agent Spink: IS NOT!

Z. Baner: IS TOO!!

J. Baner: QUIET!!! Ladies, you’re both pretty, now can we get on with the interview; or will I have to use force?

Agent Spink: I show you force!!

J. Baner: *Choke! Gasp! Cough!*

Z. Baner: Spink, call off Darth Vader and stop stealing the whistling mangoes, you’ll make us look childish. I think we’ll cut off this interview for now, as the property tax will probably be sending a foreclosure on this warehouse soon.

Agent Spink: We’re in a warehouse? I thought it was a penthouse!

Z. Baner: Thought wrong, didn’t ya, horsehair.

Agent Spink: YOU GO TOO FAR! THIS HAIR IS ETHIOPIAN GOAT FUR! YYAAAAAAAAA****

[possibly the most violent interview since the leprechaun incursion, we ask you not to sue for mental scarring, and to please enjoy the blog.]

Cap. Shun, officer of the Royal Blogospheric Censoring Association

Z. Baner

Exclusive Fantasy Interview: Vick Vurtle

JTZ: So, Vick Vurtle, when you called and scheduled this appointment I thought you were a turtle!

Vick: WHAT???!!!! I AM NOT A TURTLE!!!!! Would everyone please stop assuming that? I am a perfectly normal, calm, composed (and single, by the way) VULTURE!!!!!

JTZ: Well, uh, well, uh, well, uh, well, uh.... [clears throat] Well, uh, well, uh, well, uh, well, uh....

Vick: What? Cat gotcher tongues? I’m a vulture, now get on with it! Got any interview questions? Huh? Hurry up, I’m a busy bird!

JTZ: Oh, um, okay...what made you join up with the International Vulture Society?

Vick: Well, LET ME SEE....I’M A VULTURE, YOU IDIOTIC DOLTS!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF CARRION, CARRY ON!!!! I joined because I AM AN AVIAN SCAVENGER WITH A LOVE OF ALL MY VULTURE BROTHERS, AND YOU SHOULD HAVE PICKED UP ON THAT, MY FRIENDS!!!!

JTZ: Okay, Mr. Vurtle, we’re going to revoke your caps license.

Vick: Huh?

JTZ: We’re banning you from speaking in capital letters, Mr. Vurtle. You’re too boisterous.

Vick: Why, thank you. I pride myself on that.

JTZ: Okay, Mr. Vurtle...what is your favorite type of carrion, and why do you like it so much?

Vick: Well, I’ve always been a sucker for llama meat. When it’s gone nice and sour, with a reek like nothing you’ve ever smelt splitting the air... [sighs] Heavenly.

JTZ: Well, that’s...nice...next question! Would you consider yourself a statesman?

Vick: Of course! I love political thinking and take pride in the fact that I’ve voted for Head Vulture every election in the last thirty-six years! In fact, I’m going to be running in this next one. Vote for Vurtle; he’s no turtle! That’s my motto, see. Anyway, I am campaigning for Head Vulture this year. Unfortunately, you base ingrates cannot vote in the election, because you are so inferior you could not possibly be vultures, and anyway, you have to type the transcripts of your interviews and post them, so you’d have to have fingers to do that. I pity you. The life of a vulture is the greatest thing attainable.

JTZ: While we...eat llama? And sit on rocks being baked under the sun? And preen our disgusting feathers?

Vick: WHAT’D YOU SAY???!!!!

JTZ: Eh-hem, no caps, Vick. Now you have to speak in smaller font!

Vick: No fair! How dare you! I’m getting out of here while I still caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

Exclusive Fantasy Interview - The ZMI

JTZ: Welcome to Iron Wyvern. Today we are pleased to continue our undead theme from the Undead Frog Quartet in introducing the ZMI. ZMI stands for "Zombie Maintenance Incorporated," a specialized elite group of mathematically gifted zombies who keep the land of the dead up to date on population, engineering, and emergency services. Today our guest is Torrbad Zelod, CEO of the company. Unfortunately, as a zombie, he is experiencing the bad after-effects of unhealthy teeth in life. Most of his mouth has decayed and withered away, and he will be speaking in sign language. We've hired an interpreter, Ed the Ghost.

Ed: That's me!

Torrbad: *grunt grunt* *makes hand motions*

Ed: Torrbad says, thank you for having me! Er-herm, that's the version with the least confusion. There's also, "Sincerest gratitudes  and to all and sundry gathered in such an humble even-gathering. This hodie I cannot wait to partake of felicitatious and complimentary foodstuffs and refreshing refreshments. I must--" Anyway, you get the point.

Torrbad: *glares at Ed and makes more rapid gestures, some very rude*

Ed: He says for me to apologize for embarrassing him and to explain that he died in the sixteenth century, when such a young whippersnapper as I was not even born, much less dead, yet. Sorry.

Torrbad: *makes garbled squealing sound and claps hands together until his arm falls off*

JTZ: Oh no! Here's your arm back, Mr. Torrbad, uh, we'll just stick it right there and--oh, no! Your foot! And your ear, and--ugh! Your eyeball fell out, and...you're COLLAPSING! Oh, no, uh, T, get the broom, would you, this might be messy.

Ed: I knew I should have stayed with my great-aunt in the land of the dead. Why did I have to apply for this stinking sign-language job? Oh, dear, did that rat just crawl out of his toe? Agh! It's on me! It's nibbling me--

JTZ: Ed, you're a ghost. And that's toejam. Come to think of it, *wrinkles nose* I'm not sure if a rat would have been worse...Well, anyway, Torrbad's completely collapsed. Uh, somebody called ZPI, er, Zombie Paramedical Institution...I suppose he was already dead, hehe...? Oh, T, good, you got a broom. We'll just sweep him...into a corner...

[The doorbell rings; JTZ runs to get it. At the outside of the door stands a zombie]

New Zombie: I'm Mr. Torrbad Zelod, sorry I'm late. The traffic was awful in the freeway between the worlds. Something involving a pigeon, a giant meatball, and a truck full of ethereal bananas...even I'm not sure what quite happened.

JTZ: Wait, you're Torrbad Zelod, CEO of ZMI?

Torrbad: ATM, FYI, LOL. Er, sorry, I'm used to text-talk. I'm a young zombie, just died recently because I texted while driving.

JTZ: Oh. You were in a car crash?

Torrbad: What? No! Of course not! I died of shock because I hit the text limit.

JTZ: Oh-kay........Well, come on in, I suppose. But then who's the zombie inside claiming to be you, and what's Ed the ghost doing here...?

Torrbad: WHAT???!!! You let ED THE GHOST INSIDE?! HE'S YOUR NUMBER ONE NEMESIS!!!! HE MUST HAVE DEVISED A PLOT TO...why am I speaking in all caps? Anyway, he must have devised a plot to get in here and steal your storyline for "The Draconian Letters" Book Two! We're all doomed! He'll leak it online!

JTZ: *gasps* What? We have to stop him! *rushes back in with the real Torrbad to find Ed with the storyline, cackling in glee*

Ed: Now I have it!!! Your plans are forever and ever doomed!!!

JTZ: Swiper, no swiping!!! Swiper, no swiping!!! SWIPER NO SWIPING!!!!!!!!!

Ed: Aw, maaaan! *drops documents and snaps fingers*

[Brief pause, followed by dramatic music as the Ghostbusters burst in and capture Ed]

Ghostbusters: Who you gonna call?

JTZ: Ghostbusters! Whew! That was a close one!

Torrbad: I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'M THE MAP!!!!