My dear Smok,
It
has come to my attention that I have two loaves of moldy bread for brothers.
May I clarify a few points in Trubodox’s letter to you (which Xunt did not
intercept with explosive bananas and purple-faced monkeys) which I thought were
an entirely inaccurate representation of the events after my performance with
Remdrix about a week ago. You asked about this, in fact, in your letter to me,
and I am ashamed to confirm your fears: every one of your uncles, including me,
tends to exaggerate in our accounts of events, especially when it involves
conflict between ourselves.
I
have written many a tall tale to you, and so has Trubodox, and what Semithino
says stretches the truth as well. Now, here’s the proper version of Trubodox’s
fight with me that night.
First
of all, it wasn’t actually all that much of a brawl. Although I did kick a
Ukrainian mountain goat on accident at one point (not Serbian as Trubodox would
have you believe), there was not too much physical conflict after the incident
with Remdrix and his extra-extended family. Semithino discovered Trubodox,
crouching behind a boulder on top of a hill. Once he was discovered, Trubodox
proceeded to throw various apparatus over the boulder, one of which, the
mountain goat afore-mentioned, I deflected with my hind claw. We proceeded to
yell at each other in Swahiliese for several hours, but the humans were getting
ready to slay some dragons, so we fell silent at Semithino’s beseeching,
continuing our quarrel silently. I struck the first blow by dumping Trubodox
into the river along with a leftover batch of flaming oil which I promptly lit.
Then Trubodox proceeded to perform the same process on me after whacking my
face with some not-so-proverbial frying pans. Luckily, while down in the water,
I happened to find a sledgehammer lodged in the mud, autographed “Gaertho.”
Needless
to say, I used it with extreme prejudice.
After
that we all stayed the night in Semithino’s cave. Trubodox almost pulled a
prank on me in my sleep involving a chicken, three sombreros, and a rare
collection of crystals, but he burped a little too loudly as he crept into the
guest-chambers where I was lodged, and I chased him back down the halls to his
proper place.
Now
that the affair with Remdrix is over, I shall pour forth my full psyche into my
letters in order that I may mentor you.
Pardon me. I tried to erase it, but it
won’t come out. Xunt is up to his crazed antics. Something to do with Xelle,
his girlfriend, and me not letting him leave early. Which brings me to a point,
actually. Smok, you are plenty old enough to be thinking of marital matters.
Just because I am a bachelor does not mean that you should be, even if I am one
of the most amazificating dragons living today. You are young, Smok; pursue another
like yourself, while you still can. Loneliness in later life can lead to the
dark and dismal dumps of depression. Say that sentence five times fast, and get
a girl.
Anyway,
next subject: the art of feng shui. As you know, the proper decoration of cave
is proper in the draconian life, because it’s proper to be proper and being
proper is proper to the proper degree of proper. Anyway, a few suggestions for
you; you mentioned in your last letter that the arrangement of the shields on
the wall bothered you, because you couldn’t decide which crest you wanted as a
centerpiece.
Might
I suggest taking the shields off the wall and replacing them with a series of
paintings? I’ll send Xunt over with some good ones: for instance, The Wanderwyrm, a series of five by
Penzak the Painter. The brushstrokes are wonderful, and each dragon depicts a
different time of life. It progresses from left to right, starting with
hatching and ending with old age. I don’t remember where I got that one,
perhaps at a secondhand auction in Yovi. I don’t know how such great art by
such a famous dragon came to be in Yovi. In the chart of all the preposterous
things of the world, this rates higher than my brother. I shall be putting
forth full force into an investigatification of such matters.
More
dragons must treasure great art, for we live in an age when great art is no
longer easily recognized, and the popularity of an object outdoes the skill of
the author. If they are not preserved, traditional standards will not survive,
and the world will be plunged into a dark period of history. This is perhaps
the most important lesson I can actually teach you, Smok: appreciate what is
great and what is good, but know the distinction between these things and what
is bad. Art is a thing of beauty, and should be preserved at all costs. Art
represents our heritage, whether in prose or in poetry, pencil or paint. Art is
the past, art is the present, and art is the future. We must learn to
recognizificate the greatness of the past and utilizificate it in the present
day in order to securificate a better future. It’s the Scaligar-patented three
step plan, and should be common knowledge to all dragons.
Anyway,
on from art and beauty to your lack of animosity toward the human people. I am
ashamed of you, Smok! Tradition! Have I not just demonstrated that we must
preserve tradition? Humans are prey, and food, and it is ridiculous to think
otherwise. Do we not eat fish and beasts of burden? Do we not consume birds of
the air and waterfowl? Then why, Smok, must we refrain from utilizing our
natural resource, the most delectable and most easily available food source,
humanity?
Humans
multiply like rabbits under the watch of persnickety dragons such as Semithino,
and they grow to such uncontrollable numbers that if they are allowed to grow
further they may end up driving dragons from the land. It is a question of
dominance and the hierarchy of natural order. Dragons are superior to men.
-Your
serpentine uncle,
Scaligar
P.S. Good
luck in your T.E.N.N.I.S. matches,
Smok, and keep up the diary.
. . .
ReplyDeleteScaligar actually admitted he exaggerated? I am utterly amazed. I didn't think such a thing was possible.
Awesome as always!