Letter Forty-Six

Smok,

I escaped! From that vile pit of slimy sliminess and slimy slime, and have since concocted a offhand plan (brilliant brellyunt as always) where I bribed a pack of goblins into squashing themselves into a box and being sent to Semithino, and to make this devious plan even deviouser I marked the box with Scaligar's private seal which I have not obtained ubtannd by breaking into the dragon bank and then breaking into his safety deposit box and stealing it, but through polite conversation. After this I flew to the island of Bootjaw, Land of the Drakes, have you learned of Bootjaw and the Drakes? If not let me enlighten your fiercely inadequate inudiquitt brainal capacity kupasittie.

            The Drakes: stunted creatures partly resembling dragons except that dragons drukins remain wart free, and possess the small decency to refrain breaking wind at the slightest notion; the Drakes all have not been blessed by this gift.

            The Drake Empire began when their first leader Iq (Spelled I.Q.), the wisest and smartest of the Drakes won over an island and thenceforth named it Bootjaw, and claimed it as the Land of the Drakes.

            Unfortunately unfertunittlie Iq (Spelled I.Q.) was the only Drake created who could count past four, and so when he finally kicked it, the other less-smart Drakes usurped the throne.

            From then on it only got worse wurz, the descendants of the first Drakes could use only one syllable words in their sentences, such was the diminutiveness dyminnyutivvnuz of their brain’s, also their children’s names all now end in ‘Unt’ for obvious reasons.

            When I finally fynullie reached the island I was met by a mind scarring sight of fifty thousand Drakes carrying out a horrible show of misinterpreted Yoga. But when they saw my esteemed ezteamed self breasting a rise they all thankfully cut off the disgusting descusting ritual and rushed to me.

            When I told them my name they of course prostrated themselves before me because of my prowess in public speaking I HEAR YOU WENT ON A HONEY WORM HUNT, A FINE HAUL I HEAR and definitely devinatully not because of the number of syllables sillubuls in my name, and then proceeded prowseedud to give me piles of gold and silver silvurr and mounds of fruit and Gunk (this is their local form of alcohol alkohhaul which they concoct kunkauct by scraping the moss and slime off of the seabed stones) on the rocks. I tried some of the liquid and came to my senses three days later, dancing on the heads of a pile of howling Drakes doing the Conga.

            After this, though thowe admittedly it is quite fuzzy fussie, we tramped to the duke’s castle on the Hill of Hunk and threw the lord (Bikro, the One of the Two Syllables)out the tower window, then threw his throne after him, and replaced it with one made from moldy cheese, which would serve as my throne, as I was the one being crowned with the Crown of Glop to be the new lord of the land.

            Soon after this I told the Drakes of my friend Blizdiblundikus, and then ordered them to pile a ship high with my riches then let me sail off with their entire livelihood to bring back their new king, Blizdiblundikus Flyeencompast. They have since done this and now that I am away I am sailing for Yovi to buy a homestead there with all my stolen obtained gold.

            Don’t you dare tell the authorities awthorytees or your blasted uncle Scaligar.

            Your WHAT IN ALL THE BLAZING COUCH CUSHIONS AM I DOING WRITING THIS LETTER. I DON’T EVEN KNOW THIS SMOK PERSON something uncle,

            Gargazath