Letter Forty-Five

My dear Smok,

          It has come to my attention that Semithino sent me a gift box; I assumed at the time that it had a hypnotic item hidden within its contents and so I dropped a boulder on it. Six enraged goblins sprang from within it and attacked me. Since they caught me off my guard, and for no other reason of course, they proceeded to hogtie me to the nearest oak tree and forthwith insult, relieve themselves upon, and beat me into the late hours of night. By that time I managed to convince them to untie me by promising to give them my secret stash of sweets. After they untied me I bludgeoned them into oblivion, marinated them in white wine, stuffed garlic cloves in their ears (I am quite the cook, you know), sprinkled them with thyme, and lit them on fire until they were medium well, at which point I tossed them flaming over a mountaintop. Such is the wrath of Scaligar the Serpentine! Ha!

          When this had been done, I stuffed the goblins back into their box and sent them to Gargazath’s sanatorium so that he could experience what I had been through. I have a worse demise planned for Semithino, and it will not involve me tying him up and beating him with a bag of live porcupines, trust me! I will actually be flying to his province, giving him the beating he so richly deserves, and tying stones to his front teeth and throwing him in the ocean!

          Oh, yes, I forgot to add one detail. After I had mailed the goblin box, the sanatorium contacted me and said that Gargazath escaped by pushing the wall over on the guards, continually shouting, “BLIZDIBLUNKIDUS!!!” Then he raced out of the sanatorium and was last seen flying northwest on I-30 Skyway.

          If he has contacted you about his whereabouts, please do not hesitate to inform me so that I can tell the sanatorium owners. It seems that my box will make it too late for Gargazath and no doubt the goblins will maul one of the sanatorium guards. In any case, I shall be purchasing exquisite apology gifts to make up for this misunderstanding (for the guards there are big of chest and thick of arm, and very, very high of ego).

          Now, it seems that you and your mercenaries are going to fight the rest of the rogues in pitched battle. This is a blunder. Too many dragons will die on your side and your victory will seem less grand. But, I have found their location once more, with the help of my trusted friend Kreedack. They are hiding out in some deep caverns below the castle and have rigged Eastern rockets to blow at any second, should they be attacked.

          I hope you realize that if they destroy the castle it will be no big deal. However, Kreedack found a useful way to extort them from their caves. The entrance to the cavern network is five miles from the castle, and they have to resurface for food. There is a river that flows into their cave network. Poison the water and block up the entrance after throwing flaming piles of pitch into the cave. There are two entrances, though. They will come out the other way which will be unblocked of course (revenge is best served in person after all, and Burgrath deeply deserves your righteous wrath), and then you and your gang will fall upon them with reckless abandon, slaughtering them and tearing their bodies asunder. But leave Burgrath for yourself, so that in true combat you can strike him down as he so richly deserves.

          -Your serpentine uncle,

                   Scaligar