Weekend Disaster Post

 The Crazdan Smuggling Fiasco:

Recent smuggling affairs in several countries have left the Crazdan government in a very bad position.

 Several border guards in countries, including those of Arvia, Zerrd, and even Azertionamibreckia, have spotted goblin caravans moving illegally across borders. Several of these parties were apprehended and seen to be shipping medical supplies, armor, weapons, rubber duckies, and commerce of all sorts on the black market.

 Further investigation forces international authorities to conclude that these goblins were funded directly by the Crazdan government. Rumor has it that the goblin nation of Crazda plans to make a grand assault upon the world, starting what some people have the audacity to call a “world war.”

 As of now, Crazdan officials are, as they have through all the ages, admitting nothing, blaming fellow colleagues, and making counteraccusations on a grand scale.

 The smuggling has yet to be stopped, and as local law enforcement is already spread thin trying to quell the flow of goblins passing between lands, several countries have volunteered men to help with the border guard of the lands surrounding Crazda. This scandal has become a matter of world importance as the threat level rapidly rises, and many speculate that a war is bound to erupt.

 Once Crazda declares war, a chain of allies will be set off, causing all countries to be dragged into a giant bout of dangerous warfare due to agreements with other countries. Crazda has three other countries pledged to help them in time of need, and these in turn have several other countries allied with them.

 If Crazda declares war, similar actions among other nations will cause a gigantic international crisis.

 Concerned citizens of several countries have already prepared for the worst, and it seems that the dried food industry has had a sudden surge of demand as people scramble for supplies to “wait out the end of the world” in underground bunkers and other such fortresses. 

If this supposed world war actually does come into existence the whole social state of the world will collapse.

Written by Deezaz Teer Sdeerikes

Letter Twenty

Smok,

From sources I shan’t reveal I have come upon the information that you have cut short your rampage, at a glance this is very unwise, no doubt you have been accepting the veiled undoing of your uncle Scaligar’s letters. You are being foolish, nephew, uncharacteristically foolish.

Or perhaps you have chickened out at the prospect of battling other dragons; this is completely unreasonable and idiotic seeing that Pentiriex is the only combatable dragon in that soft province, all the others are either stunted or constantly wasted. Bubolox the Bum is notoriously so, and Friggat the Basted has been sober not one since day since his cousin sent him that ale house on wheels.     

This in an insult to my mentoring; you should have continued to beat down upon the Aolia towns, and then fly to my provinces and terrorize those. I am greatly disappointed Smok, and you have even changed your name back to Smok, a most unflattering name of no great descent.

I will be writing to your uncles both, to express my wrath as well as I can in this mundane use of parchment, and maybe my overbearing greatness may turn their puny minds in my stead. You shall see Smok, rage and flat out terrification is the best remedy for anything and everything.

Hoping your parents are dead,

You’re Incredible, fearful, ferocious, terrible, fear inducing, omnipotent, clear minded, outspoken, infamous, wel speld, overbearing, clairvoyant, humble and modest uncle

Gargazath

Letter Nineteen

My dear Smok,

It has come to my attention that you have stopped your rampage and returned to your lair at last. I am pleased. That rampage was particularly excessive; too much bloodshed on the whole, and too little terrification and rumorification. I fear that your reputation has not increased as much as it could have, considering that all there is left of your work is whole towns burnt to a crisp, and no possible survivors to spread tales of your terror.

I would advise you to wait a bit before terrorizing Aolia; the citizens of that province will need some time to rebuild. Instead, fly south to Banroc and make a good show at a small town there, leaving about half the population to spread the rumors. Use the three principles I discussed in one of my earlier letters, and don’t forget to add impressive flourish to everything you do!

Now, as for brave knights and such that may come to challenge you, not unlike the archer you reported you saw on your rampage, just keep a clear head. Fire-breathing should not be excessive towards a lone challenger; one burst of flame to establish your authority, and then swoop in and crush your attacker as quickly as possible. I have known many dragons who have been foolish enough to use fire alone in order to vanquish their attackers; this is not the correct method. The attacker will probably use a large fireproofed shield to block the flames, and will slowly advance and kill, while you, on the other hand, will not be able to see him due to all the fire. He will be able to sneak up on you and slay you quite easily, while escaping with, at worst, a lot of heat blisters.

-Your serpentine uncle,

Scaligar

Letter Eighteen

My Dearest Nephew,

I hear that you are still on the rampage. Ilranai the Arcane informs me that it is going quite well, at least for you. Five other dragons’ treasures plundered in as many weeks and two towns pillaged to boot, you have been busy. Nevertheless, this is not an accomplishment. The senseless destruction and thieving must stop immediately! I implore you to act more like your mother and exercise more kindness to the world at large. I understand that you have gotten the idea for this rampage from your irresponsible uncles, but I implore you to make the choice to walk away from this life of carnage and start anew.

          Farewell until the next time.

          Your hopeful uncle,

          Semithino

Letter Seventeen

Smok,
From what I have heard lately you have already accumulated quite the reputation; excellent! You are advancing quickly, and we must work hard towards making you a great, so for now I will give you several pointers on a few of the more important accomplishments you must undertake to become like me.

Firstly, I have lately researched the notable dragons in your area of Aolia. There are few who can get up to your current standard. But Pentiriex the Bold could create a problem; he is a large, northern dragon, who has killed many dragons, though mostly Yovi veterans. You would be best prone to drop a boulder on him, and while he’s stunned, swoop down with all talons forward and (here follows a increasingly vulgar sentence that the author thought would scar the minds of humans under the age of 20, puny nitwits). That done, you will have very little competition; no other notable powerful dragons live there, leaving you relatively free rain.

On to your rampage, from sources unnamed I have found out detailed facts of your exploits. I was deeply impressed by that fire that burned three towns in one forest fire, and it killed how many? 200? 250? Extraordinary!

But letting that little girl live? Bad form. That might pose a problem. Lets see, the best solution would be to bomb her house with sheep to clear your record, but on the other claw, you might want to stick with fire, and burn her entire town, yes, that will work. 

I hope Semithino is no longer sending you vegetable and fruit lists to sample, that would ruin you, healthy food is the worst for growing evils. You must begin that diet I requested, fresh meat! And remember to chew on the bones for gum strength.

That will be enough I think for the present, but I must weigh the fact that you must take all my advice, and ignore your idiotic uncles' requests.

Your, oh skip it, humble uncle

Gargazath         

Explosion Prone Manticore Mass Escape:

48 hours ago there was a large scale escape from Kenny’s Institute for the Permanently Bespiked in which thirty brawny Manticores literally kicked down the door and proceeded to muscle their respective bulks into every open store and terrorize every moving being in the surrounding village of entwore including a severe case where a Shiatsu sprang up a chimney and an old lady was chased shrieking into a cauldron of treacle.

To make matters worse (MUCH worse) prior to their rampage the Manticores broke into the institute’s kitchen and raided the fridge and larder. Quite unfortunately for the townsfolk, the beasts found a still hot vat of chili along with several hundred pounds of sausage.

For most of the night the now gassy monsters terrified the surrounding towns and villages and filled the streets with hideous clouds of vapor that would take ten years off a man’s life if inhaled.

Fortunately this drastic situation was the next day stopped when a contingent of elves sporting protective masks from the Faery Corps subdued the deadly-in-unseen-ways Manticores and sent them packing with an armed escort back to the now renovating Institute.

So, a happy ending, of sorts:

The Faery Corps had to send in a squad of brownies with a giant vacuum to destroy the dissipated but still dangerous clouds of vaporous stench. Also the rueful military distributed gas masks to the victimized towns to defend them from the un-sucked clouds. Their budget will be feeling that for many a cycle, I can guaranty that.

Sleep well,

The Post 

Letter Sixteen

My dear Smok,

It has come to my attention that your uncle Semithino has been telling you lies about me. Now, his caricature of Gargazath is wholly accurate, but most of the things he said of me, he only said out of spite, conceit, and, dare I say it, even envy. He is jealous of the dragon I became, when I was in the prime of my youth, smart, brave, strong, and bold.

Let me tell you a little something of my past. When I was in my glory days, I was known far and wide as a terribly smart, incredibly dashing dragon of high repute. My name was glorious, and I was famed.

But then, the joining of the two families came. And Semithino, that devious serpent, caused all sorts of trouble.

He was a little devilish trickster, and he couldn’t keep his nose out of other people’s business for three and one sixteenth seconds. Rorfang, your father, should never have married that Eastern brat Ilithia! Semithino her brother was the worst, most badly behaved dragon in the world.

I went on the third rampage of my entire life, the greatest, the best! And you know what Semithino did? He came after me and bit off a piece of my ear, trying to stop my rampage. I was really mad at him then. I howled in pain and warded him off, the scrawny little runt. Then Semithino withdrew and has never fought another dragon since, the little dastardly coward.

The point is, Semithino has been telling lies to you, feeding them to you in bite-size pieces. He says he’s all righteous, but then he acts all haughty and prideful like there’s no tomorrow! I guarantee you he has some scheme going, some evil plan to use you as his slave! You know what will be next? Hypnosis! He’ll mind-control you, Smok! I tell you he will! He will use you as his right hand, taking over the world.

You see, that is why we are all so keen that you follow our commands; it is because you are a very promising young dragon. Gargazath and Semithino just want to use you to corrupt you to their wills, yet I promise you free life and fame.

Semithino’s disciplines are hard and rigid, with no time for fun or creativity, or even jellification, which is the best kind of recreation. Gargazath, on the other hand, is trying to turn you into a mindless idiot. Do NOT listen to their counsel, for they will lead you astray.

Now, concerning your ongoing rampage. I believe you have spread your name far enough, that is, if you have left survivors. I bet Gargazath told you to torch everyone, didn’t he? Now your name will never be known as one of the greats!

Please go back to your home in Aolia, and lay low for a while. Hopefully then no avenging knights will challenge you. Please pay attention to my advice.

-Your serpentine uncle,

Scaligar