Letter Eleven

SMOK!

I have heard by way of Sanatath the Immense that you have moved out of your home and plan to move to a coastal region, where the best food is hanging from trees! Explain yourself Smok!

I have begun to realize that you have started going by the mentoring of that weedy bum Semethino, and your slimy uncle Scaligar, who does not deserve the rank of dung scraper. I am most displeased Smok, I thought you were rather intellectual, like me, but I can see that I was wrong if you have begun to take advice from the egotist Semithino and your uncle Scaligar the deranged!

I have also heard hat you have moved out of your home without even leaving a scratch on your parents, you foolish weakling! You should have burned them to crisps and taken their cave, you are 131 already, a dragon in the making; I killed my parents when I was only 112! I am ashamed to call you my nephew; now my reputation will be greatly marred by my colleagues realizing that I have a weak-minded idiot for my only nephew. If I had not lately taken a fall and fractured my left wing, I would fly over there and give you a piece of my mind, several, very sharp pieces in fact.

But you may still have hope, renounce your two uncles, who have led you astray, and flush their infectious garbage from your mind and fly back to your cave where you can kill your parents and take over their provinces. I will not have a pomegranate sucking fool for a nephew, I will not! I would even go as far as to say I’d rather have Barbung the Insolent as a nephew.

If you wish to become a feared dragon like me, with the humans defecating in their grubby pants, you must come back to the path of reason and wrath.

Your severely disappointed uncle,

Gargazath     

Weekend Disaster Post

Gremlin Turf War Update:

Further smatterings of skirmishes & ambushes show that the warring gremlin colonies are at it again. The Harr-Dwares and the Wyrebanes had been thought to have cut off their feud, due to the massive casualties on both sides even without machine assistance, but the two tribes are definitely taking this to the last in. Popular pub gossip says that the Harr-Dwares have a better chance of winning because of their bulky bodies and devious tacticians, but the Sunday Fiasco Tribune disagrees; it seems in their minds that the Wyrebanes still have clawing room due to their fierce indifference to the mere thought of defeat and the last week’s outbreak of well-planned ambushes, the most famous one being the Clashing-Bins which left Arkno Svetinhighmer--one of the top officers in the Harr-Dwares--with a trash bin lid mashed over his head, and three mismatched slippers stuffed in his pie hole.

As you can see, the upper hand is yet to be taken, but bets are being placed worldwide. Strangely, most bet that the Harr-Dware high powers will drop a giant sack of flour on top of the Wyrebanes. The other popular bets are that the Wyrebanes will tunnel into the enemy camp and burn their briefs; also there are rumors of the Harr-Dwares building a giant corncob machine. These are unlikely, but possible. I mean, they are Gremlins.

Letter Ten

My dear Smok,

It has come to my attention that you have moved to the coastal region of Aolia. Good move.

The humans there are completely unsuspecting, as they are used to sniveling, scheming fiends like your uncle Semithino, who put on a grand show of goodness and nobility. Terrorize these people, and they will spread your name far and wide in awe of your jellificating powers. Yes, a very wise move on your part. But, would you try to keep favor with your uncle Semithino; I may find it useful to have someone on the inside of his schemes. A double agent is everybody’s friend.

Now, concerning that blasted repossession business. I do hope you don’t take up your uncle’s idea of a good profession. Repossession is the job for wimpy dragons such as Slimtail the Thickheaded and Swamptongue the Fool. I urge you to go upon the true dragon’s path. For it is a lonely and hard path, fraught with dangers and oftentimes death, but at the same time it is noble, good, and befitting of a young talented dragon such as, well, one of your older brothers.

I hope that you know the proper methods of terrification. They are these:

1.    Induce fear. Fear is the best thing to spread your fame. A dragon who knows how to use fear to his advantage need not actually live up to his name. He can use his terrifying presence to scare the very soiled underpants off the humans. They will be shaking, quivering in their boots. A very successful dragon friend of mine, from my younger days of course, was Skarrtath; he will be remembered as one of the minor greats, not quite like Belligast, but close. But did you know, that in his entire career, he only killed ninety-six humans?

2.    Yes, Smok, you must make an excessive use of fire. Fire is the greatest attribute of a dragon (at least according to a human.) If a dragon never breathes fire at anyone, then people will start to pluck up courage, wondering if maybe he cannot breathe fire, and eventually some knight or some such warrior will sneak up on you and kill you with the advantage of surprise.

3.    Thirdly, the use of bodily appearance to render the look of experience and skill. If a dragon has many scars all along his body, humans are more likely to fear him and spread his name; for they will suppose that he has been through many trying battles and sieges and whatever else they might think he has been through. This will add to the terror of your very name. Someday, Smok, if you follow these instructions, you will be known by some name such as “The Gorger”, or “The Terrible”.

So, Smok, now that you have been given a few pointers, why don’t you go slaughter some people in a small town, to make known your immense power?

-Your serpentine uncle,

Scaligar

Letter Nine

My Dearest Nephew,

It has come under my notice that your uncle Gargazath has been advising you to enter the repossession business. I would advise against such an act as it can be a rather strenuous and overly dangerous occupation. When repossessing the treasures hoarded by another dragon, one must also battle them and kill them before they can take any of said dragon’s said treasures so as not to risk the dragon coming after you for revenge. As such you must see that this occupation is only for the foolhardy who often die within months of beginning their campaign. The treasures collected by another dragon are not worth your life.

            I would say the best occupation for one such as you would be either the local wise-dragon or the knight assisting business. The local wise-dragon is well paid in food, treasures and the goodwill of the local humans which is always good to have on your side.

            On the other hand, a young dragon such as yourself might find your calling as the roaming knight’s companion. Knights and warrior of all kinds are often in need of the wisdom and power of a benevolent dragon. I happen to know as a fact that it is a well paying business having taken it up for a short time in my youth before settling down. The knight in question will insist upon repaying you in some way for your services even if the quest is not successful. As some of these knights are on a quest set by their king, they are almost always able to amply reward a dragon for his efforts. If they are rich men with many connections, do not refuse their offers of reward. But, if they are poor knights with hardly two coins to rub together, it is wise to simply say something like “the fact that justice has been served is all the payment I require.” The reason for this is that accepting the reward of a poor knight will leave him penniless and much less likely to come for your assistance on future quest. Also such rewards are often simply things of purely sentimental value and of non whatsoever to the dragon in question:

Poor knight: Here, take this, it was my little child’s first catch-cloth, it means a lot to me.

Dragon: Ah, thank you I will um, treasure it forever.

            See what I mean? Never take the reward of a poor knight as it will be of no use to you and often better off as a pile if ashes or weighted down with rocks and cast from the cliffs. Also, when dealing with a poor knight, it is often wise to give them a treasure from your collection, not necessarily too large or costly, but enough to raise them out of their poverty. Such an act will make you known as a kindly dragon far and wide, give you the goodwill of the knight and give you a certain satisfied feeling.

            I think I have given enough information on the subject of occupation to give you a fine view of the jobs available to you as a growing dragon, I shall therefore say farewell until I write again.

Your humble servant, mentor and uncle,

Semithino

Letter Eight

Smok,

It has come again to my attention that your over stuffed uncle Scaligar has sent you a long letter which in every word insults me, tells lies of my hoard, and sneers at my hoard. But you can tell him that I could not care less what he thinks about me, for I do not pay attention to his pathetic attempt at desecrating me, for he is a no-good, fat-bellied, to smart-for-his-own-good imbecilic moron.

But I must defend something, I DO have a diamond throne, it just got cracked and I had to put it in storage! And I do have a collection of golden knight’s helmets, I just put them in an enchanted chamber, then I realized that I did not know anything about...

But on to your mentoring; I have found that repossessing is a masterful way of swelling your hoard, though I have made mine great by killing kings and taking there treasure as tribute, but for a lowly dragon like yourself, repossessing is a good way to begin your hoard, and after a few years of my mentoring, you might come up to my standard of terror-inducing evil overlord of three provinces.

I trust that you have killed your parents already in a most horrific and brutal fashion. I will be checking up on you in the next few days, but for now, my wrath remains quiet.

Your ferocious, incredible, fearful, terrible, need I mention omnipotent and modest uncle,

Gargazath         

Letter Seven

My dear Smok,

It has come to my attention that you have been receiving advice from your other two uncles. Now, let me tell you something about your uncles.

Gargazath is a dolt; he has never accomplished anything in his life, yet he boasts of a private collection of golden knights’ helmets and a throne in the Borgard province made completely from diamond. He is fibbing, of course; Gargazath is a fool with two brains: one is missing, and the other has gone out looking for it.

Now, concerning your uncle Semithino, he is not right in the head; a soft-hearted fop, he raves over peace and delicacy, whereas a true dragon’s goals are terrification, jellification, hoardification, squashification, and eatification, as well as his or her ambition in rising to the supreme throne of all dragons (which you are not yet ready for). If all goes well, you should be remembered like Belligast the Bold, who took over seven provinces within three days, often sitting on the town halls and breathing a scalding layer of flame into the rest of the town. Those were the days when no dragon would ever question the principles of jellification, but yet you find Semithino, doing just that!

I implore you to ignore their counsel, especially that of Gargazath the Oaf. They are both fools, and should be avoided at all costs. If the need ever arose, I would gladly have jellificated both of them, but they are not a threat to me in my current esteemed position, and it would be beneath me.

Now, concerning your ailment. It seems that you have contracted cottontooth even though I warned you profusely of it. Did Gargazath tell you to eat cow and sheep all day? Yes, he has been through many sickness, one of which cannot be cured: idiocy. Gargazath is a dull-brained numbskull with a soft head; that is to say, his brain was jellificated without his body receiving harm.

But be wary of that snake Semithino; though he pretends to be wise and good, he actually plots behind everyone’s back. One time, if I had not stumbled over his plans to take over the whole world, we would all be eating trees by now. So be glad that he has not wiled you away into his deluded visions of peace with humanity.

-Your serpentine uncle,

Scaligar

Letter Six

My Dearest Nephew,

I noticed in the contents of your last letter to me that both of your uncles are giving you advice on where to make your lair in later years and what the best type of food for a dragon is. Let me put in the Eastern view of such things.

            In my time in the Eastern provinces of the world, I have noticed that the dragons there do not always move out of their parents’ cave when they are ready for the world, but simply stay and take over the cave when their parents pass away, as do their children if they have any. The ancestral home view has a very nice continuity to it but there is also something to be said for moving out of the cave when you are old enough to make your own views of the world at large. If you choose to take this route, let me give you some advice on which of the kingdoms in your region to choose.

            I hear that the coastal kingdom of Aolia has a nice range of cliffs, lots of caves there too. I would highly recommend such a place as a home. There are many advantages to a home in coastal regions and in the East they are prized almost as much as underwater lairs. Some of the advantages are as listed:

1. Though this is not required, a coastal lair provides a magnificent view and puts the dragon at peace I have found, something about the sea air and the view.

2. You will not get many visitors in a cave on the cliffs as they will be slick with sea spray and not suitable to move about on. Although one of our species’ primary duties is to answer the entreaties and questions of heroes, it does not do to assist any human that comes moaning to the cliff side. You must wait for such heroes as are courageous and clever enough to negotiate the rocks and find their way to your lair. Then and only then must you answer such questions and entreaties as he brings to you.

3. On the matter of food. A coastal region has an entire ocean full of fish close to claw, yet another reason to choose such a habitat. Also, if you choose to become a wise and benevolent dragon (a most noble path) then the heroes that make their way to your cave will bring offerings of food and often treasures and although hoarding is an occupation taken up by evil dragons such as the Westerners, it is wise to accept such gifts as they add a certain grandeur to one’s lair. If you take up residence in a coastal region, make it known in some way that your prefer mother-of-pearl, jade or emerald treasures as they work best in watery habitats.

Those three reasons should give you ample material to look over and decide whether you yourself would make such a place your home.

I mentioned food in my listed reasons, but not what types would be best, allow me to rectify the situation.

The best of foods would be a combination of meats and roasted fruits which make not only a magnificent aroma as well as being a satisfying. The meats best for such dishes are young lambs (be careful not to eat too many or your supply will run out) fowl of the air once plucked and ground fowl such as chickens. Fish usually make for a wholesome meal all on their own so don’t mix them in with the birds and lamb, horrible for the stomach.

Until my next letter I must say farewell.

Your humble servant, mentor and uncle,

Semithino