Book Two Letter Thirty-Seven

Dear Smok,

PINEAPPLES?! PLUCKED BIRDS?! Honestly Smok sometime you should realize your mistake in corresponding with that ecologistic pro-health-farm dolt you call an uncle, and do what I’ve been tellng you to do for years. Burn his letters, in acid, in a sacrificial chamber, with peanuts.

    Concerning other matters, the counter renovation of my cave (or its remainder) is currently enacted by Bing and Bong the Doorbell drake twins. As stupid as styrofoam insulation, as the saying goes. Incidentally they did try to insulate the walls with styrofoam, I forcefully rebuffed them.

    As to the state of my beleaguered cave, it has been stripped to the bare rock. That anarchist of a replica Geekadox destroyed everything. I'd take legal action if he weren't on a fast rocket to the mid ocean taking a long leave of absence.

    Anyway, I have heard tell that you are seeking out a suitable mate. I agree entirely to you enlightenment concerning matrimonial affairs. You may think that I, having remained a standstill bachelor for all of my lifespan, have no experience in such matters.

    I will have you know, nephew, that as a lad I swept countless females off their respective claws. The fact that they slugged me with increasing frequency and told me to let them down is of no demeanor.

    Concerning this, I plan to add to my mentoring by counseling you in your dating affairs.

    Lesson number one: Good pick up lines.

    You must always have a reserve of swashbuckling quips for the ladies wherever you go. However, carrying a portfolio labeled Pick Up Lines as I did as some fool may have done would be an inauspicious and unfortunate occurrence.

    Lesson number two: Deodorant.

    I believe I mentioned quality underarm anointment, but never in this context. No doubt I should have. A ready stock of powerful deodorants will do no end of good for your dating times, although wearing a green tree air freshener as a necklace would be very unwise. Never do that.

    Lesson number three: possible dates.

    This section in fact is not memorable to your learning of the art of charming the opposite gender, but I have taken it upon myself to compile a small list of names for you to pass over at your discretion.

    Atharta of the Splintered Spinal Column: Not an entirely fanciable figure, although she makes great beef jerky.

    Xelle the Beautiful: Scaligar might have taken her already (if you ask me the dirty bachelor is a little old for her), but you still may have a chance her name says it all, even if she is a drake.

    Septa the Sequined: Quite an exquisite individual, though her fame as a rock star has made her unimpressed with any potential mate without a pom-pom tattoo.

    Lesson number four: date coordinates.

    I have come across several quality inter-provincial cafes, restaurants and culinary establishments. I advise Arknight’s Draconian Grille for all Occasions. Also, you might consider Frizid’s Ice Cream Parlor, and if the ice sculptures attempt movement, raise the thermostat.

    That will be all for the moment concerning your love life Smok, though, if you have any troubles concerning these affairs, don’t hesitate to ask someone else, because I’m far to busy at the moment trying to make Bing and Bong not paint the cave walls canary yellow with pink grenades.

    So long for now, nephew. I will be waiting expectantly for your next letter and your successes and failures concerning your dating prowess. I of course do not recommend any of the previous female titles personally, as that wouldn’t be right (Septa! Pick Septa!).

    Your uncle the Love Maestro,

    Trubodox the Scarlet