Book Two Letter Thirty-Eight

My not-so-dear-today Smok,

It has come to my attention that your uncle Semithino sent the horde of drakes outside my cave a battering ram! Needless to say, I have spent the whole morning shoring up my barricades while the barbarians outside attempted to storm through, armed to the teeth with teeth, teeth, and teeth. Xelle has retreated into the lower cellar complex of my cave; it is a vast maze down there, and no male drake could ever find her in my giant array of cavernous cellars, even if he got into my cave. I have also rigged the cellar door with some makeshift explosive charges, based partially on the black powder I once threw at Gargazath. Ah, sometimes I miss the old days.

Anyway, I’m holding up, for now. On to other, better subjects. First off, in a matter of personal privacy, I must ask you not to inquire into my past love life, Smok. You may think that I, like all other dragons (and men, according to your theory of equality; ugh!), just want to be loved. I cannot make this more clear: I do not want to be loved. I want to be renowned, and feared, but I do not want to be loved. I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED!!! So please, stop asking if I’ve ever in the history of the known universe had a girlfriend or a mate.

But since you’ve asked about your own love life, I will offer some advice from my high head of wisdom (high because of my great intellect, not because of the Sluj that has taken its toll on every single one of the drakes outside).

First off, I concur with my brother Trubodox: deodorant, deodorant, and TEETH!!!

TVyibfeohiofehfuagg77fdshfjshdiff0w04rgr8rvhsudhfuorghodhw8s8eodhrugdhsohsuoghsdoghduvsdvnudosb8vds89fh8h38fduosfhuoh380h28hfhvuodhv-0!!!!!!

Ah, I’m sorry. They got through a section of my defenses while I was writing, but I’ve warded them off now. On to your love life.

Smok, the only reason a girl wouldn’t like you is: lack of deodorant, lack of charm, and lack of interest. Okay, that’s three reasons, but whatever.

TEETH!!!

yufbydvisuxfosdfhbdiubfsduifudbfudsbfsdiufbdiubguisdxbdguisbguidbgdfuibfiugbuidaguisbafnsdkabvuidbuisdbfusigrbsui

Another attack, sorry. I’ve thrown back some banana grenades (don’t ask). I’ve sent an emergency letter on pigeon-back to Biffus, Buffus, Duckus, Whuckus, Ruckus, and Turkus the Brawny, pleading for immediate assistance.

Back to love: read more fortune cookies. Some of them have great pickup lines, with just a little tweaking. For instance, “The love of your life is closer than you think.” At that point turn out to be standing right behind the female dragon and reveal that what she thought was you was actually just a reflection in a mirror across the room. Don’t get me started on, “Follow your heart.”

Now, onto some possible prospects for your future in love. I do NOT recommend Xelle, as she has a horde of angry fanboys (literally) who will tear you to pieces. Plus, it’s not a good idea to date cross-species. Why don’t you try Limmie the Mildly Cute? She works at the post office, I can give you her address. Just watch for her sister, Darwina the Single-Celled Organism. She’s a bit cuckoo. For crying out loud, she thinks that dragons used to be fish! The very thought of it. Hah!

TEETH!!!

eiubfsuidpbfurpdsbguiduxbugifbyigfbdsubfigkdfbgriuldbgidlugidfugidgphuisrhguisdghfuighfuicxbfuibfds8h89ibirgbyrbgyusbgrybgordbfsyfgbrgbyrbybrean

Sorry, the drakes attacked again. Anyway, on to important matters. I hear that you are thinking of moving provinces. I suggest you move to Higard, perhaps. The canyons and plateaus there create wonderful real estate. It looks especially breathtaking in the sunset. There are also plenty of large trout in the rivers there, and it’s a province that isn’t particularly known for any greats.

I have received an invitation to work for Drakemart designing their new “Lonely Warrior” themed merchandises, based off of my tussles with drakes in the rugged wilderness of Frizid.

TEETH!!!

fknsdiugsbduigudfbdjsuidnuidbiudbduufdhsir89ehrfusdjvpodfbjifpjfhhf7grer7sg437wgb4resgbrgbsidgresguidgsuirg4reb7rgbw74eg393700regbfdiusguibfdbuisbsgudfbfgifiugbsrgbryygbsyigbrewy8b4wirbgyrergberigbr

They attacked AGAIN!!! Biffus, Buffus, Duckus, Whuckus, Ruckus, and Turkus the Brawny better get here soon.

Anyway, the truth is, I’m slightly intimidated by one of the security guards at Drakemart. His name is Ehrex the Guardian, quite the solemn fellow. He watches over the merchandise like a hawk, and if anyone tries to steal anything, they are never heard from again. He’s a grey-scaled dragon, grey like steel, you understand, and his eyes are really fierce. I admit to you that I feel slightly intimidated by his presence. I’ll have to do some research and surveillance on him before accepting the job offer.

Pineapples and birds? That’s preposterous.

-Your serpentine uncle,

SCALIGAR

P.S. TEETH!!! Pfuiniugdbeudgbuidsbfuiebg9743gt7rbyydbgfibsgurgbsuirhgerghsrighuirhguirguiuivbeiuvuirvbuiedvbudvbsuifvbeuiwvbuewbvyuwebbwybryewyvorroewjuifowbfuefbwvyrf87regf8bvfyudsvibvg8r7evgrr8vowegfysogvreovf8gbvyucyuxbcnxndnxskjsxnsjknsxuiwdbyvfbyurgvtyrvetdcbxcnwixinwicnuveniuvnvybveyvbyutyuvtbybu

Gotta go, there’s a squad of drakes headed for the cellars, and the barricade is buckling.
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