Several Reliable Tips on Identifying and Controlling a Vampire or Werewolf Victim

  Tips on identifying a young child bitten by a Lycanthrope (Werewolf):

1: If he/she has a diabolical craving for certain crunchy dog treats

2: If he/she is growing a premature beard…All over his/her body. Alternative: If he/she takes mysterious bathroom breaks on every full moon that last for hours.

3: If he/she needs a good scratch on the chin before you can give him/her his/her milk bottle.

4: If he/she visits www.howtobakeahumaninabigol’quiche.com, all the time.

5: If he/she is found buried in Baking pachyderms: A beginners guide.

Tips on controlling your average werewolf victim:

1: Lock him/her in a padded room every full moon. Suggestion: Ignore calls for bathroom breaks, despite the inevitable consequences.

2: Go to your window, open it, and scream until you sprain both lungs. Hey it worked for Jack Bubdy! Except…He had a brain tumor, and a bullet wound. In his cranium. Persistent chap wasn’t he…

3: Find the werewolf responsible. And threaten that you’ll shove its head in a particularly grimy commode until he comes up with the non-existent cure.

4: Abandon the house, burn it to the ground, then put it out. Then light it again, the smash it with a crane, then empty a crate of quiche on it.

A few choice advisory tactics on how to identify a young vampire victim:

1: If he/she resembles a man liken unto a can of Mayonnaise, white as a ghost, sickly as an American!

2: If his/her room is piled with books with titles such as The Bloodsucking manual: A failsafe guide to draining victims and The Nocturnes Guide to household Hors D’oevres.  

3: A sure sign is him/her cremating some particularly pungent shish kebabs.

4: If you catch him/her singing a song known simply as Pop goes the jugular vein.

How to peg those who’ve been bitten by a Vampire:

1: Bake him in a garlic soufflé. Unusual, but effective.

2: Make him watch Dracula, over, and over, and over. How this helps I am yet to understand.

3: Take him camping, make him set up the tent, which has a mysteriously abundant source of homing stakes.

4: We apologize. But the man who was supposed to write this tip was eaten.

We hope you have enjoyed this masterfully written piece of pure art. And we hope you will use these tips to identify your neighborhood monsters. Except that one about dumping quiche on ruins. The source of that particular one is in the midst of complete cranial meltdown.

Written by Madame futsbrokken