The Battle of the Bulging Inbox

Your mother downloads your memory! Lyle typed ferociously. Across the crater pockmarked no man’s land, an enemy Spammer staggered under the ruthless attack. Flicking on Caps lock and ignoring the frenzied typing of his battling comrades, he shot back with a loud

WELL YOUR MOMMA DOESN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MACBOOK AND A TRUCK MANUAL!

Knees shaking under the reverberation of the repost, Lyle laid down an italicized spew of unrelenting adjectives and phrases.

Wi-Fi piggy backer!

Ram stealer!

And lastly, you’re no better than a one gig. Hardrive!

Swaying at the aftershock of these cutting remarks, the enemy Spammer broke his Shift key in an attempt to retaliate, but Lyle had already taken the advantage. Daringly he shoved his laptop out from his entrenchment, where all attacking signals converged on him, and sliced into his assailant with one final burst of devastating nouns, prods and pokes.

Double negative!

Soundtrack pirate!

You’re like an iPhone case with no signal array!

Go clean your flash drives!

And finally, ever pixel, ever bit, and every battery cable in your sleazy little computer is dumb!

Toppling backwards, the Spammer thudded to the hard earth, exhausted and beaten to the ground by Lyle’s superior profanity skillz. As the line teetered around the broken link, Lyle’s fellows clipped on extension cords and charged forwards as the enemy scattered, sending them insulting emails as they fell back in disarray.

VICTORY IS OURS! Lyle typed jubilantly, then slotted it into his Reminders just to make sure his schedule didn't get mixed up.

Puns for Active Mines

This post's title is an attempt at a pun, and my hopes for it to be explosive have obviously become dead in the water. These puns are some of the best I've seen, and most of the greatest I'll ever see.

Enjoy and comment below in the, um, comment box with your own puns and suggestions for future posts. Anything goes (no, we haven't changed the blog's motto to that).

1.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was

Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.

I thought I saw an eye - doctor on an Alaskan island,

but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3.

She was only a whisky - maker, but he loved her still.

4.

A rubber - band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class,

because it   was a weapon of math disruption.

5.

No matter how much you push the envelope,

it'll still be stationery.

6.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for   littering.

7.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.

Two silk worms had a race.

They ended up in a tie.

9.

A hole has been found in the nudist - camp wall.

The police   are   looking into it.

10.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to   the other:

'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

14.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:

'Keep off the Grass.'

15.

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 

17.

A backward poet writes inverse.

18.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts.

In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19 = . =

When cannibals ate a missionary,

they got a taste of religion.

20.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris,

you'd be in Seine.

21.

A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane.

The stewardess looks at him and says,

'I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and   says ,  'Dam!'

23.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't  have your kayak and heat it too.

24.

Two hydrogen atoms meet.

One says, 'I've lost my electron.'

The other says ,  'Are you sure?'

The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root - canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.

26.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends,

with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.