Book Two Letter Forty-Seven (Yolapalooza for Posts)

Welcome to Iron Wyvern, ladies and gentlegerms! Here we have another letter from Scaligar to his nephew Smok in the Yolapalooza for Posts! Enjoy, comment, fire, sharp objects, etc., and don't forget to watch out for hamsters.

-------------------------------------------------------

My dear Smok,

As you may have noticed, I am in jail. I have been for the past two months been incarcerated on unfounded and deeply crazed accusations. Only now have they allowed me to put out any correspondence whatsoever, on account of my bribing the prison cook, Lenny the Wannabe, to deliver them. His food tastes awful, but he is necessary for getting letters out to you. Perhaps you wondered why this letter was hidden inside a cheaply baked fruit cake with sauerkraut substituted for cherries.

Now, I will tell you what exactly happened on the disastrous night of Limmie the Mildly Cute’s failed date. I trust she is not dating you anymore, eh?

First, I flew as fast as possible. Secondly, I stopped for icecream. Thirdly, I bought a scone (not for me, for Limmie, as an apology why would I ever eat said scone?. I therefore winged it to your house, whereupon I noticed a bizarre display of pyrotechnics, your uncle Semithino in the middle of it all. I ate the scone dropped the scone as I came to my wretched relative’s rescue. He was being beaten to a pulp by several feisty young drakes with crowbars, flamethrowers, and cupcakes at their disposal. Don’t laugh; cupcakes can be bad news.

Anyways, I broke up that fight, whereupon Semithino and I stormed the castle, so to say, and rescued Limmie from the torturous yodeling of the cave’s new lunkish inhabitant. However, just as we were crossing the threshold and leaving said treacherous abode, a giant pigeon flew by and unloaded upon Limmie’s face! Perhaps it was those drakes I beat up I tell you, a GIANT PIGEON!!!!! THE SIZE OF WHICH NO ONE HAS EVER SEEN!!!!!!! Having crapped upon the fair damsel, the monstrous bird flew away into the night. Limmie the Mildly Cute bolted, and has since been apparently seen wandering in Yovi (or so the prison barber tells me).

Anyway, the inhabitants of your old cave called the coppers. They promptly arrived. Semithino was more eager to give himself up than I was. They put me on trial for several crimes, along with resisting arrest.

Anyway, that fake attorney the inhabitants of your old cave had hired gave Semithino six months, while I ENDED UP WITH SIX HUNDRED YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOTYOuGYGygrfgYYOUg787r74839!!!

I will send another letter soon with details as to my miserable existence in this wasteland of sorrow and slightly moldy sauerkraut.

-Your serpentine uncle,

SCALIGAR