The Phoenix Games on Saturday, much anticipated by many, ended up in complete disaster! (What a surprise.) These games, thought by many influential thinkers such as Sockcrates of Grease and Sissy-Rowboat of Pizzaville to be the key to unlocking life's greatest mysteries, were delayed back in March because of a serious scandal involving flame-retardant liquid and the possible use of hippo jugglers. Investigations on this matter (see the article Mr. Big-Hippo-Juggler and the Pachyderm Pact) are still ongoing, but the games have been allowed to continue uninhibited.
There was much anxiety among referee officials. Says one official who wishes to remain anonymous, "Our contestants this year seem to be very motivated, and that motivation might cause certain members of the competition, [particularly] aging athletes, to use outlawed measures."
Despite serious health concerns and a false alarm involving green cheese and loitering wallclimbers, the games were kicked off on Friday. Everything went without a hitch the first day, and by the end of it, Lookmaw Noforx Nohands was in the lead by about thirty points in the Pillowball categories, while veteran Frumious Fred carried the lead by about two points in the Spoonswallowing derbies. Rookie Terence Cheezepuff, a rising star, was in a somewhat disappointing third place, trailing Frumious Fred by one point.
The crowds were quite pleased, but then on the second day, it happened. Robin Starburst, an enthusiastic fan, couldn't believe his eyes. "[I] couldn't believe my eyes," he remarked as he and thousands of angered fans evacuated the crowded stadium that Saturday night. "One moment [Frumious Fred] was there, the next he was down on the floor, and there were baby hippos all over the place."
The pachyderm pandemonium was predictable, purposefully pouts proud Pillowballer Preston Pugpork, in a prickly post on his plog: "Proud to point out I proved partly purposeful. The preposterous pachyderms were Pillbug Poppy's part."
Authorities are investigating whether Preston Pugpork's accusations are true, or whether they were simply there to help the alliteration of his plog post. Says Captain Billy Dufflebag of the police, "We've taken Pillbug Poppy, Preston Pugpork, Frumious Fred, and Robin Starburst into custody, and are actively investigating all the other athletes involved. No one quite knows what happened with the hippos, but they are contained and unhurt." This was confirmed by the police department's official press briefing this afternoon.
Thank you for your time,
THE POST
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