Friday, December 21, 2012

The Window in the Air - A Short Story


There was a window in the air. No one knew how it got there. No one. Ever. In the whole wide world. The sun glimmered down upon it, but even it did not know why the window was there, and why it remained there, and why it did not fall. There was no thing that needed to look through the window, in fact no thing that wanted to. No one knew it was there.

How could they? It was in the air, in a forest, in a valley, in a mountain range, in a thousand-foot fissure, in a craggy desolate desert with no life but cactus and snakes and gila monsters for miles around, in a continent where no one had yet settled.

The window's name was Eleanor, and she did not appreciate the fact that there was no company for her, save the dark forest around her. No one, to be honest, could look through her and see what was beyond. If they could, they might choose to open her shutters and climb through the window, or they might choose to cringe and run away. There was no telling what might happen if they saw her. Eleanor had only ever had one person look through her, and he had gone through to the Other Place.

He had worn a green cloak, and had blond hair, and brown eyes. She distinctly remembered that he smelled of deerhide and leather, and that he had been very kind towards her. If only the Age of Heroes still could be! If only that, and maybe more would come to her. But alas! For the Age of Heroes had ended upon the green-cloaked hero opening her shutters and climbing into the darkness, never to return again. For he had been the Last Hero, the Guildarok, the Bladed One.

If Eleanor could have heaved a sigh, then she would have. She wanted to have someone else journey Beyond, but it would never happen, or so she thought. And she thought well, in most cases, and in this case she thought well too, for how could she have known that the Last Hero would return? Little did she know what troubles he had faced, what monsters he had slain, what failures he had endured, what victories he had claimed. For the Last Hero still lived, nearly an age having passed in this world, the one Eleanor inhabited, but only three years in the Other Place.

Eleanor did not know this, though, for she was, to tell the truth, only half the window, for the other side of the window had not endured so much time and was younger and more content. His name was Aaron. And he was looking at the Last Hero's final strides, as he came over the hill towards the window, coming back from the Other Place to his love in the First Place. But he would be sorely disappointed, for little did he know that ages, millennia, had passed, and his love was long dead, of heartbreak and despair. For though he had only been gone three years by his count, it was three thousand by hers, and for every second he spent, it was more than a minute in the other world to which he returned. And it would be nearly a day until his return, to Eleanor's perspective. And Eleanor waited eagerly, enduring though all else had not. And this was true, that the forest surrounding Eleanor had once been a neat and tidy garden, when the Last Hero had first come, but now was a wild and overgrown place.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Announcement: About the Authors Page

Our "About the Authors" page is now fully constructed, with icecream cake and unicycling hamsters! Go check it out!

Okay, I might have lied about the icecream cake and unicycling hamsters...but still.

Don't forget, December 22nd is Old Template Day!

-JTZ Baner

Monday, December 17, 2012

Letter Fifty-Two


Smoggidus,
I have good news Smoggmaticus! My time at the asylum grows short, it seems that the board has gotten tired jealous of my ranting and insanity quick wit and devilish good looks and has begged (Mwahahahahah! I repeat, begged!) the neighboring province’s doctor, Hurdek the Physician to take my insane and annoying overbearing and incredible presence to his unworthy clutches.
He owns a notable psychiatric installment in the province of Whotheheckcares, and it seems that he will be coming to get me soon enough. But, I have a plan of escape, indeed! I have been conniving for three days straight and have figured out my escape, for you see, they will not be taking me to his hospital not by space ship or submarine as I thought for two and a half days as you might have suspected. And so, through many hours of thinking, I have realized that I will overpower the guards with my handy dandy Can of Ferret Bile deodorant, which I smuggled through customs many years back.
Indeed, they will no doubt have much less guards at the hospital, though their notable hypodermic needle sub-machine guns could pose a problem brablum. But I have a plan.
1: I’ll bash the guards flying me there with my above mentioned deoderant Can of Ferret Bile deodorant and fly away before they can recuperate and give chase.
Awesome awwsumm plan isn’t it? I thought thot so too. Well, now I must go prep my arsenal (Can of Ferret Bile deodorant, probably infected unfiggted lump of liver; and extra pairs of socks) before the under-bred undrbread guards come to take me away. Oh and all that stuff about me being insane ynzane? It’s all
Thine eyes are liken unto a squishy plum, freshly plucked from a blooming corn stalk in winter,
Thy lips are like swollen pools of hydrochloric acid, with toilet paper spires clogging the sunset
Thine armpits
bogus bogguce, and I say again, BOGUS!
Farewell varwull for the present.
Gargadag 

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Weekend Disaster Post




Sincere salutations from all of the Personality De Baner; granted we have been a half hair behind in the posting of this particular brand of post. Indeed our weekend disaster post have since become the monthly disaster post, and it soon would have spiraled further into the land of skimpy blog posts with annual and centurial disaster posts.
                But fear not, this exalted section of the blogosphere shall not fall now. It shall prevail, however many people throw eggs at us! We shall survive, even with people parallel parking tanks outside our bungalows. We shall! Though the acidic geese dropping was going a little far.
                Anyway, on to the reason I’ve put time into this post. Today we shall we undergoing the latest Weekend Disaster Post, which in fact, if any advocate of this blog recalls, was the first accessory that the blog founded. Nostalgia much?! Well, let’s get started.

Weekend Disaster Post

Gorgon Paparazzi: Over the last few weeks, the authorities in the relatively quiet though largely populated town of Pabdon have been growing suspicious of the unusual new arrivals at their town. Their names were Medley Uusa, Georgette Uusa, and Ugel L.Y Uusa, and they had trouble painted on them the moment they arrived with their strangely talkative hair nets askew.
                Barely after they had settled in they began a photography store just east of Main and down the road past Freak Town Boulevard and Extemporaneous Possum Way, and right beside it, an antic lawn ornament shop. The prior mentioned law enforcement officers had their suspicions aroused when the uptake in large and very lifelike stone ornaments came to their notice as well as the frequent disappearances going on within the town’s boundaries.
                And, after their weekly bingo game, the slightly drunk officers weaved their way to the new sources of grossly overpriced propaganda to investigate. They had in fact cone right on time, for as they peeked through the windows they saw Medley Uusa herself taking off her hair net and becoming Medusa and immediately transfixing a customer and turning him into a perfectly carved piece of obtainable material.
                Fifty percent of the policeman fainted dead away at the sight but the other percentage ran in gesticulating at the top of their lungs about it not being in the laws of the state to turn said persons to rock, and that she would pay for her past sins, and that someone must have crawled into a lampshade and barfed and then died in its phlegm because it stank in there.
                But though they fought bravely, the Gorgon turned them all to stone, save for one, who called for reinforcements, and minutes later several helicopters overflowing with eager goblin recruits came over the hills and then landed, and the goblins poured into the stores with howls of unsuppressed joy and several not-here-mentioned curses in Yiddish.
                And though it took many hours, casualties, and a fierce spatula duel, the three gorgons were finally restrained and immediately transferred to the county jail where they remain until further notice.
                And so, all’s well that ends well, except…the part where the gorgons were actually robot test subjects for an Armageddon fleet of highly advanced battleships who happened to control a nifty black-hole machine that….Yes, but that’s another post entirely.
                Until the next post
-The person who lives on Emaciated Dust-bunny Lane.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Letter Fifty-One


My dear Smok,
         It has come to my attention that you have defeated Burgrath and the Infernox sisters using the same strategy I suggested. The only place you differed was in that of using poison in the water. I suspect the influence of Semithino. If you had just listened on that part of my plan, Pellicor the Mastermind might not have gotten away!
         I hear that he flew north into the Hinterlands. He will most likely become like one of those feral diseased dragons that lives out there, in time. For if he comes back into the Draconian realms, then surely he will be hunted down. Good work, Smok. I applaud your capability.
         As for my telling the absolute truth in my last letter to you, I regret to inform you that Semithino was right about that, but he missed a great detail in our fighting. That is, that he forgot to mention that in our fight after I was released from my underground prison, I did beat him back to his cave after he gave me a good number of blows. That fight (I kid you not) was very tough, and I had forgotten how lean Semithino had grown all those years. He wasn’t exactly on my top brother-in-laws list, so I didn’t visit very often, and now that I have, I must say, the dragon has lost a lot of weight! However, we gave about equal blows and in the end I came out stronger physically, unlike Semithino has led you to believe. His account of things may be hazy due to the number of punches I threw.
         I do not pretend to have a liking for Semithino, but I admire his physical condition. For an eastern dragon, mind you, he is very fit. He put up a good fight against me, and I retreated back to the West merely out of respect.
         See, I’m not as conniving as you think, Smok. Come back to my way. Mine is that of tradition and honor. Why would a western dragon follow the eastern way of life? You don’t even have any power over the elements, which means you must grow strong like a western dragon to make up for your physical deficiency. I would have beat Semithino to the very ends of the earth had he not used his pearl. You must at least try to regain a good muscular frame. Burn a few unimportant towns. Semithino never has to know. You can have fun and follow Semithino if you want! Do you really want to eat like a rabbit for the rest of your life? Or do you want to be a dragon renowned like Belligast the Boldest? It’s your choice, Smok. Just choose my side of things.
         And seriously, why doesn’t Semithino stop wicked western dragons like me if he’s got that pearl? Why don’t the eastern dragons invade and completely whip us to Bootjaw and back to make us stop our “wickedness”? I’ll tell you why, Smok.
         It’s because they are envious, and weak. Semithino, at heart, is just jealous of me, Smok. And he is also fragile. Eastern dragons’ diet make them extremely susceptible to disease, so they are too weak to come beat us up. That’s the real picture here. And that’s why it’s important for you to understand that this is an age-old conflict. Eastern dragons’ powers are waning. They can only use one element at a time with their pearls now, when they used to be able to control at least seven. They are in bad physical shape and can’t even protect their borders from rogue drakes. They’ve gotten so desperate that they’re trying to recruit dragons like you! You’re a western dragon! Why is Semithino so intent on converting you to his lifestyle? It’s because he understands that he needs some western brawn on the eastern side of this war. And if I have to kill you to do it, I won’t let the enemy take advantage of you like this. You’re being used, Smok. I am a patriotic dragon, so I’ll do what has to be done when the time comes. But will you?
         Food for thought.
         -Your serpentine uncle,
                  Scaligar

P.S. I hear that Gargazath endured the 7,839,201,462,981 Tortures of Whatsit. Now he’s back in his cell, sitting in solitary with just some chips and salsa (good for the nerves, you know), and pen and paper. He writes all day. Sometimes letters to you, other times gibberish about green butterflies, and at times poetry so beautiful it makes the guards weep. His condition must be worsening.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Fifth Weekly Riddling Derby

Welcome back, loyal followers! And thank you for your many contributions to this blog once more! I think for once we won't go through the rules, as everyone knows them already and my digits are getting rather sore from hammering them out, ye ken? Alright, lets get to the point of the Fifth Weekly Riddling Derby. I think I've found some riddles that might take awhile to solve, though a certain follower seems to be unnaturally in tune with my best riddles. Enjoy!

Riddle One: My first is in FLOWER and in ROSE
My second is in FORK and well as HOSE
My third is in CROCUS but not in GNOME
My fourth is in RAKE never in HOME
My fifth is in HOE and also in WEEDS
My sixth is in SHEARS though not in SEEDS
My seventh is in LADYBIRD not in CREATURE
What am I?



Riddle Two: What is something to everybody and nothing to everyone else?

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Letter Fifty

Exalt, all ye peoples. for with me I bring the latest letter in the Saga Draconi. 


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My Dearest Nephew,
Firstly I would like to say that I am very much in agreement with your choice of writing the authorities with your uncle Gargazath’s whereabouts. If he had not been found and dragged out of that tavern and back to the sanatorium, who knows what mischief he might have gotten up to? It is such a shame, really, that he turned out like this. He had so much potential as a younger dragon, all of it wasted. But let us not talk of such disappointments as these. Your uncle’s fate is one I would wish on no other for it is a tragic one. I shall not tell you the whole tale for I still feel pain at the recounting upon remembering the fine creature your uncle once was.
            On another subject, I lately was involved in my first real fight since the war with the Drakes. I had forgotten what it felt like to battle with another dragon, the exhilaration and the fear of it all is all but overwhelming at times. Of course, being an Eastern dragon, my Elemental Pearl gave me something of an advantage, and I suppose that it was not quite fair to use it quite as often as I did in the battle with your uncle Scaligar, but it had been so long since my last fight, I could not resist to stretch my wings so to speak. I promise not to use my Pearl so much in the coming fight with your uncle though I might have to use it defensively if the trebuchets he has built on the hill bordering my territory are anything to go by. But I am getting ahead of myself. From what you have told me in past letters, your uncle Scaligar has already recounted the thrilling tale of our battle, but I myself would like to give a recounting as well lest the story be mangled.
            As you have told me in one of your latest letters, our uncle Scaligar started off quite truthfully in his storytelling. I did indeed ice the landing area above my cave leading to the river and he did indeed go skidding nearly into the roaring torrent. Also, he did manage to bring himself up before heading straight into the waters, which I must confess brought me some disappointment as I watched from the mouth of my cave. The next few moments were something of a blur to me I confess. My Elemental Pearl has the power to manipulate a vast array of the Elements as suggested by its title and I do believe that I managed to use almost every one of them on your uncle in that first battle.
            Once I had closed him up in the ground (and in point of fact, I kept him there for only one day, not three as he stipulated in a letter to you) I fought with him more in the traditional manner of us dragons and I am proud to tell you that I did not do all that badly in the fight despite my years as a benevolent dragon. Your uncle Scaligar I must say is something of a fighter and I took my share of bumps and bruises from the battle, but I eventually managed to send him back away from my cave where he now sits behind the crest of a hill, building his war machines and tissue boxes and preparing for the coming battle. I to am preparing for it and rather enjoying the feeling of being at pitched war with my relatives. Again.
            Your humble servant, mentor and uncle,
            Semithino