Saturday, January 4, 2014

Dragon Bridle

    Hello Readership,
Though this may be a bit unusual, I have decided to alter the background of the blog for just a short while for the sake of this post as this story cannot be fully appreciated with the current backdrop. Enjoy the shane while you can, as it will be back to the ordinary before too long.

-T baner

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    Stories can start with the smallest of actions and in the most unexpected of places. A single out of the ordinary occurrence and the ordinary life, becomes uncommon and a story is started.
      Our story starts in a stable.
    Vast and round, the stable is built from stone and wood and stretches hundreds of meters in diameter, and hundreds more up, so that the vaulted roof is lost in darkness. The ground of the great stable is packed down hard, stomped and trod by many thousands of feet before now ‘till it is hard as the stones of the walls.
    All round the walls are the stalls, each one large enough to house a dozen horses in cumfort, but made for something much, much larger than any horse. From each of the stalls waft the gentle sounds of deep breathing and of the shifting of heavy bodies and along each door is written a name in golden ink; Jeeri, Tiamat, Fafnir and many more.
     All is quiet in the stable, even when the small boy in the leather jerkin and leggings steals in through the great doors, for he moves with such stealth that he makes not a sound. Even when he shuts the door behind him, there is not a sound. Even as he tip-toes across the vast open space, not a noise does he make on his bare feet.
      And now he creeps along one edge of the enclosure, making his way past stall after stall, and his bright eyes, so green they are visible even in this dark, flick to each golden name as he passes by them. Nidhogg, Ladon, Glaurung, Chrysophylax, and still he moves on, past Scatha, Ancalegon, Apep, and Galeru, barely glancing at the stalls of Rahu, Ketu, Manasa, Jormungand, and Ouroboros, ignoring the stalls of Peluda, Rinjin, Sirrush, Abraxas, and Zu, and finally arriving at the stall of his destination.
    Reaching out a small, pale hand, the boy unlatches the gate to the stall and nudges it open slightly before slipping inside and shutting it softly behind him. The air smells of clean hay and copper and of smoke and the sounds of deep breathing rustle through the stall, ruffling the boy’s hair as he steps forward into the darkness.
     “Orion,” the boys first word is a half musical sound, the kind of half-sung note that one makes when they are trying hard to control mounting excitement, “wake up.”
      A break in the breathing, a snort, the sounds of something huge moving, rising from the floor. The boy stands very still as the sound of a massive tail sliding heavily across the floor of the stall reaches his ears. Then comes a yawn so wide that the long teeth gleam for a moment in the almost noexistant light of the stables. The breath, intensely warm and smelling pleasantly of smoke and animal smells, blows back the hair from the boy’s face, causing him to smile.
    “No time for sleep,” whispers the boy, trotting through the straw to one wall of the stable as more sounds of heavy movement reach his ears, “it’s getting on to midnight, and a full moon too. Time to fly.”
      For a moment, the boy scrabbles about for the object of his search on the wall, then his fingers close around leather and he pulls the massive bridle from its peg.
Then, careful to make as little noise as possible, he pads to the gate of the stall and gently pushes it wide.
    The boy slowly proceeds out through the door of the stall backwards, humming and whispering enouragment to the tired creature still inside and slowly, excruciatingly slowly, the massive golden dragon proceeds out into the stables proper. First his great smoking muzzle, then the head, ridged with golden horns and almost the full length of the boy’s body, then the long spiky neck, the wings, massive and furled at its sides, the legs, the body and the heavy, spiked, whiplike tail.
    The boy leads the dragon further and further out until they both stand at the center of the stable enclosure. Then, as the tired dragon looks about him with eyes that really do glow gold in the darkness, the boy steps forward and heaves the massive bridle over the neck of the golden beast and sets aout fastening the buckles and laces tight.
By the time the final belt is sinched tight, the dragon is wide awake, its great eyes bright and filled with the same escitement that courses from the small boy before him.
    “You ready?” the boy asks at last, and, as though it understands him, the golden dragon wags its massive head up and down vigorously.
    “Me too” breaths the boy with a smile, “just let me get the roof.”
    The boy makes his way to a spot at the exact measured center of the stable and, after a quick padding search through the utter darkness, takes hold of a long chain which hangs from the ceiling far above. Giving it a swift tug, the boy turns and trots back to the waiting Dragon and swings himself up onto its back. There is no time for a saddle now, so the boy finds himself a place between two of the long, jagged spines that rise from the dragon's back and watches as the roof above slowly, bit by bit, opens outwards until there is a circular hole in the roof large enough for a house to drop through.
    And now the boy can feel the slight shudders that run through the dragon as it too looks upwards at the hole through which the full moon now shines bright, can feel its heart beating with the same exileration as his, matching it beat for beat.
    “Orion,” the boy whispers, his voice all-but inaudible and choked with excitement, “time to fly.”
    The dragon crouches and launches itself straight up, twenty-foot wings unfurling with a crack and beating with a sound like war drums sending it soaring upwards towards the circle of moonlight.
    As they reach the opening, the dragon curls its wings inwards slightly and they burst upwards into the open air. Then the wings are open once more and the two of them, dragon and ride, rise steadily above the stables and up towards the gleaming full moon.
    The boy clenches the reins fiercely and grips the dragon’s neck with his knees as they rise straight up, the wind tearing at his clothes and hair, the ground now far, far below and growing further still with every passing second.
    Then, far, far, far, above the stables, the dragon ceases its ascent and the two of them glide on the winds. The boy gazes down at the stables, the paddock, the dormitory, the grainary, all of them so far below now. The other boys and girls would be fast asleep by now, snuffling like hogs in their beds.
     Tomorrow he would be questioned about his pale face, the dark circles beneath his eyes. He would be asked why he had not slept, but he would not tell. These nights flying high above the world below were worth any punishments the Masters could deal out. He would take it knowing that each night when everyone else was fast asleep, he could once more slip from his bed, pick the lock on the dormitory door and steal out to the stables for yet another midnight ride on Orion.
     Now too far above the earth for any sound he made to be heard by those below, the boy looked up at the moon and crowedhis joy and his freedom to the open skies. His cry was mimicked Orion who threw back his great, horned golden head and roared aloud, jetting a stream of golden-orange flame into the night sky. Its light illuminated both dragon and rider, far above the earth.
     When they returned, they would once again shrug on the heavy hide of earthly things, of worries about food and sleep and pain. But for this tim, they were beyond it completely and absolutely. For these few precious, moonlit hours, Rowan and Orion were flying.

Exclusive Fantasy Interview



J.T.Z.: Today we have with us a very special guest: the Dragon Aurius! So good to have you with us today, Mr. Aurius.

Aurius: It’s good to be here, J.T.Z. The cave gets a bit damp at times and becomes rather uncomfortable. Nice to get into a dry place now and then.

J.T.Z.: I would imagine. Now, about that cave you mentioned. When a Dragon is searching for a good home, what kind of habitat would you suggest for them?

Aurius: Well, if a Dragon doesn’t mind the damp, the seaside is usually a good place. Nice fresh air, lots of fish to eat and of course the bonus that there might be a few sunken Galleons full of treasure in the cove. I myself found a nice canyon, dry most of the time with a bit of damp here and there, lots of shade if you need it but plenty of sunlight up on the canyon ridge.

 I hear that some favor the island habitat. It’s a pretty good place to live, ‘sept there’s always the chance of eating a poisonous root of some sort, or a mushroom with sinister properties. Just look at what happened to that Dragon in that story book, ate a rabbit who’d just gorged itself on Dragon’s Bane and died soon after, horrible end, long and painful. What was the name of that story? Had a ship in it and? Some guy named Casper? And another guy, useless I think he was called? Got himself turned into a Dragon on an island? Then some lion turned up and gave him a bath and he turned back to normal? Oh never mind, I’ll remember later. 

Point is desert islands are more trouble than they’re worth, life is too precious to pay it in return for fresh pineapple.

J.T.Z.: Inspiring words, Mr. Aurius and I’m sure that many young Dragons out there have just got a few very valuable pointers on a good place to find their home. Now, about food situations for a Dragon. Tell me, do the knights get stuck in your teeth?

Aurius: AAAUUUH! You have no idea! The bones just wiggle in between your teeth and when you can’t get them out; your breath starts to smell like rotting human, never a good thing on a first date. Fortunately, the bones are usually quite easy to remove as the knights usually come equipped with toothpicks.

J.T.Z.: You mean, their swords and spears?

Aurius: Precisely. Also, I have found that one’s breath can be improved greatly when you start gargling with brimstone. The smell quite overlays that of a knight and is highly attractive to female Dragons. Although I hear that some Dragons put on so much that Dragon hunters can track them by following the smell. That is just a really stupid thing to do. All you need is a little bit to make your breath smell good.

J.T.Z.: Interesting pointer on hygiene, I hope you’re listening all your Dragons out there. Now, about the maiden sacrifice thing. What is the point in it?

Aurius: Ah, now there is something that we Dragons usually don’t tell. However, I suppose I must make an exception while on the air.

J.T.Z.: Yes, you must!

Aurius: Don’t get pushy or I shan’t tell!

J.T.Z.: Okay, okay, I didn’t mean to get pushy. Please tell us this secret of the Dragons.

Aurius: That’s more like it. Very well. Most people think that we Dragons actually eat the girls we demand as sacrifice. We do not in fact. We Dragons have been in the elopement aiding business for centuries. Imagine this, there’s a girl in a little village who’s betrothed to marry some slob, but she’s in love with this other boy. What does she do? Her parents aren’t gonna let her marry this other guy. All seems lost! But then, Dragon to the rescue! The girl comes to her local Dragon and tells him about her problem. The Dragon and her concoct a plan and she goes back to the village where she tells her boyfriend all about it. Few days later, dragon comes over the horizon roaring and threatening mayhem unless he is given this girl as a sacrifice. The parents agree and the girl is carted off to the dragon who carries her off to his cave where she stays and waits for a day until her boyfriend, apparently driven mad with grief over the death of the girl and goes off to battle the dragon, tragically dying in the attempt supposedly. In reality, the girl and her boyfriend are taken to another village by the Dragon where they can get married in peace. A happy ending!

J.T.Z.: I assumed that this is not all done for free?

Aurius: That would be a safe assumption to make. Where do you think we get out hoards?

J.T.Z.:…Um…I don’t know, I always kind of assumed you got it from the knights you killed or the castles you plundered.

Aurius: The knights?! Are you daft?! Yeah, the knights are all gonna carry great big purses of gold when they go to fight the Dragon. Yeah right. We don’t attack castles! What idiot would attack the castles?! Those guys have mounted repeater crossbows and catapults that fire barrels of water! Don’t laugh, that stuff will play havoc with your inner fires. Stop laughing! I said STOP! Alright, I’m outa here. If you can’t behave like an adult, I’m leaving.

J.T.Z.: Wait (snicker, snort) I wasn’t laughing at you (hee, hee, hee) I was laughing with (chortle chuckle) with (har, har, ho, ho) Oh never mind.

Book Two Letter Thirty-Six



My Dearest Nephew,


I am still in the hospital. I could cheerfully strangle your uncle Scaligar right now! But wait, I couldn’t make myself do that, he’s out of reach, no doubt by design. Curse him!

            As I have fallen out of my mentoring over the past few days or weeks, I have decided as I can do little of anything else at the moment that I should once again return to this most vital of all subjects. Plus I hear that your uncle Scaligar is writing you again and is probably trying to fill your mind with all sorts of bloodthirsty notions. Farming humans, the very idea, everyone knows you have to breed them like livestock what a truly Scaligar like notion.

            Anyway about your mentoring.

            Your title is a very important issue to be discussed, but even more vital at the moment is your food source and such. Fish is good, but don’t forget to eat the occasional bird from time to time. The feathers are a pain to pluck, I admit, but they are worth it. Also, don’t forget the fruit. Usually I would recommend large fruit suited to our large jaws, fruit such as pineapples, a dozen or so for a snack, or few gallons of coconut milk to freshen yourself up for a day of benevolent helping of the needing of help peoples.

            Always remember to clean your teeth thoroughly, gum disease strikes like an attack of gas, everything’s fine one moment, then bam! Nothing more need be said on this subject.

            Also, I hear that you are shopping around for a new Province to make your home in. Whatever you do, don’t go near Frizid. Don’t even buy the “Modern Draconian Caves” brochure for Frizid. Go for someplace tropical, where they don’t ride gas powered sleds and drink Sluj.

            Anyway, I seem to have gotten slightly off track. We need to discuss your title.

            Your uncle Scaligar you tell me has written you a list of possible titles? Cut out the list and burn it. As a matter of fact, burn the whole letter, save you the trouble of flinching every time you look at the idiotic titles he came up with whenever you look at them.

            As your scales seem to have grown to quite a fine shade of red since the last I saw of you, I would suggest that your title should gravitate somewhat around this fact. Perhaps, Smok the Vermilion, or Smok the Cinabar. I would suggest Smok the Scarlet, but your uncle Trubodox, wouldn’t you know it, has already taken that one.

            You might also try Smok the Kind, or Smok the Gentle, or Smok the Not-Even-Thinking-Of-Following-In-His-Western-Uncle’s-Footsteps (hint, hint).

            Also, about this reproduction of my suggestion for the betterment of our kind your uncle has lately sent you. I cannot deny that this is what I wrote as my suggestion during the annual meeting of the Draconian Council (which I used to be a part of before a slight incident that has been vastly overblown by the media involving a Unicorn, a greased ramp and a vat of pickled kosher dills) but I can wonder how he got a hold of my notes from that meeting. I cannot say whether these shortclaw notes were a plan for the future of our kind, a plan for breakfast, or a shopping list.

            I hear that your uncle Scaligar has been having slight troubles with a horde of Drakes camped outside his cave trying to beat down his door and rescue Xelle from him. Remind me to send them a battering ram. And flowers.

            Have you heard that your uncle Trubodox has returned from his vacation and has thrown out Geekadox? Well, I hadn’t before you told me, so I suppose you did hear of it. I hope that I don’t answer a knock at the cave door one day to find some fan of mine drafting letters to you from me. I might have to collapse a cliff on that Dragon if that were to happen.

            Anyway, I think that this concludes the matters that I hoped to discuss throughout the course of this letter, therefore I shall now say goodbye until my next post,

            Your humble servant, mentor and uncle,

                        -Semithino

P.S. What are you planning to do about this lack of a mate issue? You’re about the age now when most of us start looking for a female Dragon. I know that you are probably wondering how I dare tell you off on this matter when I am now a bachelor of a few hundred years. However, I am telling you off in this matter precisely because I am a bachelor of a few hundred years now. I waited too long and she that I loved was pledged to another. Go forth and search out pickup lines!



P.P.S. I received a letter in the mail from Drakemart lately. They want me to work with them on their winter gear section after my adventures in Frizid lately. I might have decided on the spot to take up the job, but they said that I would have to work in tandem with your uncle Scaligar. I shall have to think about this. However, a job might be a nice way to pass the time and I have been released from my advertising job in the paper, not that I miss it much, I never was much of a salesdragon.



P.P.P.S. My goatly friend has lately taken up sculpturing and has just the other day completed a perfect replica of some of the Eastern human architecture, with a few well placed improvements. I think I shall send the blueprints to the humans, they might make something of them at some point. 
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Only a few more days to go with the Week of the Dragon! Tomorrow; short story.....

Friday, January 3, 2014

Book Two Letter Thirty-Five

My dear Smok,
It has come to my attention that you need a title. Your name has been, all these years, simply “Smok.” I have compiled a list of possible titles for you to don in your caped (or un-caped, depending on your preferences) crusade to bring amazificating jellificational sensationificatingness to the draconian world.
Numero Uno: Smok the Astronomical. Alternative, Smok the Astronomically Awesome.
Numero dos: Smok the Righteous. Alternative, Smok the Right of Way. I prefer the first.
Numero tres: Smok the Jock. Ill-advised, I had to think of a rhyme. Alternative, Smok the Jockey (if you decide to enter the Annual Drake-Sledding Competitions, or A.D.S.C.).
Numero Cat-row-row-your-boat: Smok the Speedy. Alternative, Smok the Flaming Wing (not to be confused with a chicken delicacy of the humans, often served with spicy sauce).
Numero Sinkhole: Smok the Strategist. This is advised because of your victory over the rogue dragons in Frostuay. Alternative, Smok the Stratospheric.
Numero Sank-Like-Lead: Smok the Single. This is a jab at you to get a girlfriend, before it’s too late. Alternative, Smok the Bachelor Loser.
Anyway, those are a few options for your due consideration. I have been pondering them, and I like Smok the Strategist best. It shows your best qualities, the specific qualities inherited from yours truly; the faculties of mind and quick thinking, as well as dashing good looks.
Anyway, you must work on your image as a contemporary dragon in a contemporary society! This means you must, through long and arduous hours of philosophical thinking, come up with your own plan to make the world better. Mine, as a thesis statement, reads, “Farm humans.” Quite a good idea, don’t you agree with me? We wouldn’t have to worry about the supply of the human population running out, and we could enjoy their tasty flavor all we want to!
Your outlook on the world should, as a given, be unique and specific to you and you alone. Thus, I cannot help you with that part of your life. Often it takes several hundred years of thought to perfect one’s outlook on the world. Semithino, I believe is still working on his. Last time I checked up on him about it, it went something like this: “Vegetable turkey burger human dragon moon sky rain world.” He’s probably ironed out the details in the three hundred years since that version.
Some more tips. Since you frown upon eating human flesh, and hold humans to be equal to us (a silly and stupid notion, you idiotic dolt!), I wanted to remind you that fish is the best substitute for human flesh. DO NOT EAT SHEEP! They give you cottontooth, as you may remember me telling you a very long time ago. In fact, Rexrei Wythwave, I am informed, has succumbed to that most unpleasant disease of the mouth, and is consulting Hurdek the Physician personally in order to cure himself of the awful ailment.
And yes! Happy birthday, Smok! You are coming along quite quickly. Last I saw you, you were a little squick, but the other day when you dropped by to check on me after my nearly-frozen ordeal, I could have sworn you were on a path to be as big as Belligast someday! Yes, perhaps a little thinner, reflecting your partially Eastern heritage, but you are growing to be quite grand, my boy.
Anyway, Xelle has been quite handy of late. She has begun her service as a maid. Despite her housekeeping skills and cordon bleu cooking, might I add, one of the downsides to having her around is that I have discovered a sizeable drake population encamped in tents outside my cave opening. At any sight of Xelle, their beautiful princess, they gibber in lovestruck madness and rush for the door. They have begun to wage war on my locked door, insisting that she be returned by her so-called “dumb kidnap dude.” I can only assume they were referring to me.
I fear that, however skilled Xelle turns out to be, Xunt would be the more conservative, less risky option. I do not like the taste of drake, so I’ve been concocting a scheme to run them all off, instead of my alternate plan of gulping them down.
-Your serpentine uncle,
SCALIGAR


P.S. I realize that Trubodox has taken a quiet and secret vacation away for quite a while now, but has recently returned, supplanted his stupidiotic stunt double, and begun writing to you once more. I must admit that although I was suspicious of a different tone I found in Geekadox’s letters, I did only think that perhaps the Terminal Bligardazash was returning to his head. Very well, then. Could you do me the favor of passing on my condolences to him for the destruction of most of his major belongings?

Book Two Letter Thirty-Four!

My dearest, most eloquent and mastering nephew,
It has come to my attention AAAAAHhdh no no no heeeelp rghthefhrgrhi saaaaaaaaack...... The previous debacle of illegible scribbling was due to my excitement after the first line’s writing, as five Draconian lawyers appeared in a truly demonic and sinister fashion with explosions of sulfurous perfume and gaseous concoctions and began pelting me with innumerable objects, including hydrogen cyanide (apparently available from ages three to a thousand at Drakemart), several styrofoam sombreros, and a beached whale, whose origination point I am still contemplating, all the while yelling and cavorting on about some ‘wording copyright’.
 However after a short span of time I made to clear to them that I would never again, on my oath as a wood pigeon, write down whatever they were attacking me for. They promptly stopped beating me about the body with their various arsenals and disappeared once more out of the cave in a sibilant explosion of beauty accessories.
 Anyway, on to the continuation of my missive.
It has become apparent to my notice that my living space, namely my cave and its surrounding range, has gone slightly to a small cast iron or lead container mainly used to cook various soups and stews, that is to say; to pot.
I have salubriously contracted several work-Dragons to renovate, enervate, and innovate Trubodox's my estates.
I have come upon the realization that his my living space is sadly lacking in modern inter-decorating. Taking it firmly in claw, I began disposing of several objects both uncouth and overrated.
The priceless wind chimes were to first to go (so 70s), next I defenestrated a choice selection of furniture, jewelry, weapons, and several pieces of ceiling, in fact as I am writing the postage, I am sitting down after a particularly rigorous and most tiresome episode of renovating.
I think my decisions have been made perfectly, such particular use of logic, such excellent wielding of my cerebrums greater faculties, etc,, the fact of the distant wails of despair that my ears documented so often, is beside the point, I also believe that hgerivjklf45jvnfgkndvko89jjgAGERGtjjhgnhnmjhhAAAgyutgnkpoiuytrewqasdghhhrv
I'm back suckers….
I've tossed out that mangy excuse for a throw rug, and reinstated myself into my own AAAAAAAAAAAAGHGHGGGGG what did he do to my wind chimes?! My chandelier!
As this is a G rated letter, I shall not go into the episode of intense displeasure I momentarily sank into. Let my just say that the fire carriage was unnecessary, mayonnaise is a legal projectile, and that the square dance of hate gives you leg cramps.
And anyway, nothing even happened, did it. Of course just a little stray ink.
Your innocent uncle,
Trubodox the Scarlet
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The letters have begun anew…..three days down, four to go.