Blog Hunt Results

Dear readership!
I am afraid to say that the Draconian Blog Hunt has already been solved! Cursifications, I thought it would taker longer...
Anyway! The winner of the first ever Draconian Blog Hunt is the Follower known to some...shrouded in mystery and spray cheese...SARAH!!!!!
Congratulations, Sarah! You definitely have a trigger finger for blog searching, and I am happy to show you the prize..which is.............
A DRACONIAN "KISS THE CARNIVORE" APRON!!!..Oops, sorry, wrong patent.
Your real prize, sarah, is; you are entitled to name a Draconian Criminal to be mentioned in the next letter to be posted! Which will be pretty soon, providing we concentrate our combined laptops to thresh out a good letter!
Beware the ricocheting calamari.....They stick in your teeth...
-Baner .1

Draconian Blog Hunt

Hello Readers all! Hearken to the Wyvern's Den!

My apologies for not posting in so long, but we have had a few malfunctions with the Draconian Letters; including a nefarious zebra, a narcoleptic insomniac, and a pound of cherry preserve, but some on that later.
I have created this post as a fun offshoot of a scavenger hunt, which will span the entire data pages of Iron Wyvern, where you will be given the name of  Dragon, and must link it with his/her title. When the 'scavenger hunt' is finished, the reward will be...I'll tell you after..
The name you must link with it's title IIIIS!.....Swamptongue the....!....... A capricious all-time employee of Laziness, and permanent resident of Yovi, the Dragon may be hard to find, but that's just the point!
Enjoy!
-Baner

Book Two Letter Thirty Three

My Dearest Nephew,

 I think I may be dying. As I lie here on my deathbed, I ponder over the things I have done over the course of my life and I begin to question certain choices I made both as a younger Dragon and as I grew older and became slightly more responsible and wise and all tha

Ignore the sentence above. I made more than one attempt at writing this letter is all and after a while the nurses here at the house of healing I am currently bunking in refused to give me more sheets of parchment after I crumpled up and burned my 36th attempt. The nerve!

            Anyway, I am in a hospital at the moment, thanks to your uncle Scaligar’s ungrateful behavior, but I am getting ahead of myself.

            It started when I came to rescue him and that Drakess from their icy demise on the frozen tundra, wait, no, it really started when your father Rorfang married your mother and we met for the first time. I shall never forget that day, what fireworks there were and there weren’t even supposed to be fireworks at your parents’ wedding! But anyway, telling the story of my injuries at your uncle’s hands from there would take a very long time.

            I set out from the refueling station where I had questioned the Drakes about the location where they had marooned your uncle Scaligar and the Drakess, intending to do my best to rescue them. Seeing as I would be all but blind and totally unable to locate your uncle in the blizzard by sight, I decided to put the ol’ elemental Pearl to use and turn to forces of nature to help me along my rescue quest.

            I influenced the blizzard around me to locate your uncle Scaligar and concentrate itself around his position. A brilliant plan, eh? If your uncle and the Drakess sheltering with him from the storm did not die of cold and exposure too soon, I would be sure to find them and rescue them.

            When I found your uncle after a few hours of searching through the blizzard, I descended in magnificent Draconian glory (don’t believe a word of this crashing headfirst into the snow thing your uncle Scaligar fabricated)

            At first your uncle and the Drakess seemed quite happy to see me and Scaligar ran to me and fell upon my neck and wept and told me he was sorry for all of the terrible things he had done to me over the years and that he would clean my cave and do my laundry for the rest of his days in penitence.

            I accepted his apology gracefully and said to him “Let us kill the fatted turkey and roast it, for my brother has apologized for all of the heinous crimes he has committed and has said that he shall do my laundry…”

            Very well, none of that actually happened although your uncle did seem glad to see me right up until I told him how I had made the storm stronger around him to find him at which point he began to inflict upon me the injuries that put me into this house of healing.

            After he had sent me flying into the snow after a triple spin punch and a wackerdoodle tail kick and I had spent my last reserves of breath quipping “You’re welcome” YOUR UNCLE SCALIGAR PROCEEDED TO USE MY ELEMENTAL PEARL TO MANIPULATE THE STORMS AND SEND THEM AWAY!!!!!!!!!!! MY ELEMENTAL PEARL!!!!!!!!!!!!

HJGDDKGHGDGYYWYDYGYWDJDDFFFUFGFFUFGFDHDHDHSIEIEIKDFIW8F503FDFVNEKTI4NHDDFIJAHJei38fTAYAeufegiw4w8iHAKSFREI5HPEOJGIHPIW;J;OP9Y

M.IU

.,KNETHO[HJKJ-U0YOHJ[PJ5JP36T9U0G3G’OJEWOGJ]P4PO5JYKH[4MIHKG[OGOK!!!!!!W?”?’////V’;F,RBRE;’WE//1//1/3/G.W/32/1///!??!?!?!F,F,,O3POGPGM3MG3GOUGWEWEKFPRLF[PGO-JP4OPGMT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

            [Note: this letter was sent without a signature as it had to be taken from the possession of the patient by the name of Semithino in ward 7 as he appeared to have deteriorated into a state of frothing fury and had to be led away to quiet room for a series of deep breathing and yoga sessions lest he hurt somebody.

            Sincerely, Hurkek the Extremely Notorious for Cutting off Limbs, head of the Northern branch of the Draconian hall for the Full Recovery of Health and Peace of Mind]

Exclusive Fantasy Interview

Interviewer: J.T.Z. Baner

Interviewee: Secret Agent Spink

Z. Baner: Welcome back to another interesting, intriguing, intricate and ind—

Agent Spink: Get to my part, you narcissist!

Z. Baner: Ah, yes. Let us, without further ado, welcome our guest to the proverbial chair for our next interview.......SECRET AGENT SPINK!!

Agent Spink: why is the chair proverbial?

Z. Baner: Performance tax, expenses are up and intakes are down. Let’s just say we’ll welcome you to the visceral stool of enlightenment. See how it glows!

Agent Spink: is that white paint and glitter glue?

Z. Baner: Mind your own business!

Agent Spink: You wanna piece o’ me! Comm’on! BINKAWADOOOOOO!!!!!!!<(ancient Bulgarian food fight rouser)

J Baner: Anyway!*(give the man back his toupee, Z)*Lets get back onto this show. So; Mr. Spink, what is your exact line of work?

Agent Spink: Well, I run an agency incorporating several Secret Agent Spink artisans, including my own TV show, Secret Agent Spink fitness equipment, Secret Agent Spink action figures, and even I even run the Secret Agent Spink Super Hair Toupee shop—

Z. Baner: Dang right, that hairpiece looked like horsehair.

Agent Spink: I do not wear a toupee, my fine example of an equestrian posterior.

Z. Baner: Keep it up baldy, and you’ll be opening a Spink Skin Graft shop soon…

J. Baner: Lets change the subject shall we?

Agent Spink: Gladly.

J. Baner: So, Mr. Spink, what exactly is your TV show about?

Agent Spink: Well, its ‘bout my adventures with several sidekicks who die at the end of each episode.

J. Baner: How, er, sadistic.

Agent Spink: I’ve had Bobin, Tonkto, Super-Duper Boy, and the Kid Bash, all dying tragically at the end of the last scenes. Usually they get dunked in lava or get dared to have a staring contest with Chuck Norris.

J. Baner: Ooooh, incinerated the ole irises, eh?

Agent Spink: Yes, and the soundtrack is the best. Here, I’ve got a tape of it….

DAA-DA-DA-DAAA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DAA-DA-DA-DAAAA—

Z. Baner: Dude, that’s the ‘Lone Ranger’ soundtrack.

Agent Spink: It is not!

Z. Baner: Is too, you track thief.

Agent Spink: Is not.

Z. Baner: Is too!

Agent Spink: Is not!

Z. Baner: IS TOO!

Agent Spink: IS NOT!

Z. Baner: IS TOO!!

J. Baner: QUIET!!! Ladies, you’re both pretty, now can we get on with the interview; or will I have to use force?

Agent Spink: I show you force!!

J. Baner: *Choke! Gasp! Cough!*

Z. Baner: Spink, call off Darth Vader and stop stealing the whistling mangoes, you’ll make us look childish. I think we’ll cut off this interview for now, as the property tax will probably be sending a foreclosure on this warehouse soon.

Agent Spink: We’re in a warehouse? I thought it was a penthouse!

Z. Baner: Thought wrong, didn’t ya, horsehair.

Agent Spink: YOU GO TOO FAR! THIS HAIR IS ETHIOPIAN GOAT FUR! YYAAAAAAAAA****

[possibly the most violent interview since the leprechaun incursion, we ask you not to sue for mental scarring, and to please enjoy the blog.]

Cap. Shun, officer of the Royal Blogospheric Censoring Association

Z. Baner

Oops! Sorry...

Dear readers,

Bear with us. Book Two Letter Thirty-Three was not the correct letter to have been posted. We accidentally gave you Book Two Letter Thirty-Six instead. The post has been deleted and we're working on finding the real Letter Thirty-Three to replace it. Bear with us, as said above!

-JTZ Baner's Blog Maintenance Hamster (who is NOT secretly scheming to overthrow the authors and replace them with diabolical cyborg unicorns)

P.S. Here's an unexpected riddle for you all to solve:

What has a face and two hands but no arms or legs?

Weekend Disaster Post - The Conundrum Involving Two Griffins, a Baseball Bat, Etc.

Welcome, readers of the Post! This week's edition of the Post involves a rather perplexing story involving two griffins, a baseball bat, and three fire-breathing dwarves from the kingdom of Quetzackortipakifarkle.

This past weekend a raging fire swept through several counties, devastating miles upon miles of precious property. Luckily, no one was hurt, except for little Tommy "Get-a-life" Whiner, who purportedly received a papercut during the evacuation. The fire devastated the land, however, leaving behind the question of whether this disaster occurred naturally or more unnaturally.

Says Fire Marshall Nick Colossus, "WE HAD SOME SUSPICIONS ABOUT SOME PEOPLE [in those counties] WHO HAD REPORTEDLY BEEN PLAYING WITH MATCHES AND WHATNOT, BUT THAT WASN'T REALLY MY GLASS OF EGGNOG, SO I GAVE THE INVESTIGATION TO FIREMAN SAM, MY DEPUTY."

Announcement: Camp NaNoWriMo Completed!

Welcome, dear readers of the insane hamster domination sagas we spew out every now and then. If you're an insane hamster with a plan for world domination, pardon the joke, please.

We three, the legendary JTZ (haha I rhymed; did you see that? I bet you didn't!), came together in the great month of July with a quest for words, and we prevailed with outstanding superbness! If that's not a word, it should be. We all signed up for Camp NaNoWriMo (look it up if you don't know what it is) and we all succeeded in macho fashion after a deathly battle with such foes as Writer's Block, Distraction (that was definitely my biggest foe), Annoyance, the Inner Editor, and all other forces of Chaos! Hurray!

If any of ye readers also participated in NaNoWriMo, even if you didn't succeed, leave a comment notifying us of your achievement and we will congratulate you in our next post.

Meanwhile, to unveil the first additions to our 2013 Writing Hall of Flame Fame: